The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been lurking. I have read about being detached and how a lot of the things I'm doing to/for my AH are wrong or at least not helpful to him. I try to be his friend and guide him towrds doing what he has told me he wants. He wants to stop. He actually said it, I couldn't breathe, and he did it. For one day. Still I was proud. And I tried so hard not to be disapinted when he started again. The reason he stopped was because the night before was not the worst on yet, but it was really bad. The words he says hurt worse than when he hits me. For the first time, I actually felt that I was in danger. Not in danger of being hit, whatever. I started looking around for knives in the litchen that he might grab or that I could defend myself with. I realized that I was terrified to turn my back on him. My question is this. What good does it do to say nothing likr it never happened? I am so lost..
I am sad to hear what you are going thru. A book that might help you to understand is,"Getting Them Sober." By Toby Rice Drews.
It helped me so much when I first came to MIP. Great book.
There is no use talking about something we cannot control. We cannot change what happened. What we can do is learn not to react to the stuff the A does. Don't allow the disease to pull you down too.
Hi Twnz... Welcome to MIP! This is a great place for support and knowledge. The book that Debilyn recommended is great... I second her recommendation! I also found it helpful to read this board.. .a lot. I still do a lot of reading here. It really helped me to see how others handled a similar situation to mine.
Most of all, Twnz... I'm concerned for your safety. Please be careful. We cannot give advice here, only our experience, strength, and hope (ESH). Please keep coming back here and above all, take care of you!
Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
(((((((((twnzmama))))))))) <---- these are hugsI'm so sorry you have to go through this. We are here for you.
Many of us have been where you are.To answer your question, I don't ever act like it never happened. I know what happened. I just don't want to be the cause of it escalating. In this program, we learn to keep our side of the street clean. That just means not being reactive. I do not have to jump and react every time he does or says something. I do not have to have an answer for every crisis he creates. (this was/still is sometimes, a big one for me) He is sick and we can not fix it for him, but we can fix ourselves because we have been affected by the disease too. Keep coming back here. Find a face2face meeting if you can. Alanon is a great resource. Your life can get better whether he does or not.
In recovery,
-- Edited by Jen at 22:48, 2008-01-15
-- Edited by Jen at 22:51, 2008-01-15
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I too recommend "Getting them sober" it is a very good read. I found in my own life, that when I stopped reacting to his outbursts that they became much less frequent.The drinking hasn't lessened any, he is still drinking, I just am not reacting to it the way I used to.
I am also very concerned for your safety. Be careful, and take care of yourself.
Keep coming back, we are here for you.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
If you are actually in fear for your life and/or being hit I strongly suggest you seek a safe place to go. Abuse is one instance where we do step up and say if you need to leave to be safe, for heavens sake do so! I'm sorry to disagree here with previous suggestions but no book will stop a raging drunk no matter how you react. If it is to the point that you are terrified and think he will harm you listen to your gut.
Christy
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-- Edited by Christy at 02:48, 2008-01-16
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
As Christy says, alanon suggests working a program for 6-12 months before making major changes EXCEPT when there is physical violence.
The idea is that our thinking often changes dramatically when we work a program - but nobody can think straight when they're getting hit.
Do please call a local domestic violence hotline or shelter - just to talk. Calling doesn't mean you're locking yourself into anything - just they have way more expertise in this than we do.
It sounds like you are making a real effort to focus on you and do what you can, and that is so great. Do please keep yourself safe.
Thanks everyone. I typed so fast last night and made so many mistakes because I was afraid he would see what I was doing.
I feel like I'm betraying him by telling strangers about our issues. The only people I know in this town are his parents. I know if I went to them, he would never forgive me. We moved here to get away from his cocaine habit. It has worked, so far, but I wonder if the drinking is now "more acceptable" because at least he's not doing coke anymore.
Our twins are 16 months old. They hear us fight at night after they go to bed. Most nights they sleep through it, though I can't imagine how. Sometimes they don't. I can't forgive myself for subjecting them to this, but I couldn't forgive myself for just giving up on him either. I swore that I would never let my kids grow up the way I did. Alcoholic father, mother who tolerated too much for the sake of trying to save him all the while pretending that the family would survive his drinking. I am utterly heartbroken. I thought we were better than that.
I don't know if anyone will even read this but it feels good to get it out, I guess. He told me that if I hadn't gotten pregnant that he wouldn't still be with me. I don't think he loves me anymore, if he ever did. He resents me for trying to help. I am so tired of the lies and apologies. All the nights at home alone with crying twins, wondering where he is, who he's with, what he's doing. He almost died on our couch early in the morning on his first father's day. Drinking and coke and pills. I came downstairs to find he had pissed all over the table, couch, and himself. I said nothing. I cleaned it up. Again.
It isn't pretty, when I see it written. It isn't easy to look at this reality laid out in front of me and believe that I am the one in this situation. Not my mother, not someone else...me. For all of my pride, and rightness, and clean conscience. He's a good man. He's a great father and he works hard for us. When he's sober, he's our hero, the best man I have ever known.
I adore him. I adore the sober him. He told me that he was a drunk when I met him, that I knew what he was. I did. But I thought, like so many before me, that I was enough for him. All of his relationships have been shattered by his drinking. Everything he has ever cared about has fallen apart because he couldn't control himself.
And now I'm a mother, which adds to my sense of urgency. Get him better, before the kids are old enough to ask questions. Before they know enough to be hurt by our behavior.
If you've read all of this, I thank you. I just need to clear my guts out. I wrote him a letter this morning explaining that I love him and want him to be happy, no matter what. I f he can't be happy with me, then we need to make arrangements. If he wants to work on it, I need him to start by being honest. I hope it goes ok.
I am glad I got up the nerve to write some things out. Now I just have to hold my breath and hope.
First of all you are in a community here. There are lots of people here who read and care about you. Many many many of us have been where you are. No one here is going to judge you. I don't think it is betrayal to talk about what is going on for you. After all there is "your" life there is "our" life your life as a couple and then there is a community life too. You exist outside of the relationship. You deserve to have some feedback, support and company.
I have definitely lived with a man who is abusive, hits me and who blames me for everything. Many of us here have. I do not live with one currently and I think one reason I was able to leave is the support, love and non judgementalism I received from this room. I have been here 3 years now. My life is infinitely better because I have worked a program that is outlined by Al anon. That is not the only thing I do but I definitely can relate that Al anon certainly helped me tremendously.
Detaching does not mean you don't acknowledge what is going on. In fact detaching is all about taking care of you in tremendously difficult circumstances. Detaching means I take the focus off him and take care of me. I stop making my entire life around him and his issues. I know that is a tall order. I f you read posts here you will see detaching in action. Sometimes is is tremendously difficult to do other times it comes effortlessly. I know the Alcoholic demands attention and their lifes are chaos but carving out serenity, nuturing and kindness for yourself in that is so essential. I know for me I was deeply deeply depressed and emotionally paralyzed when I came here. My posts were all about "him" and what he did to me. These days my posts are not about "him" they are about my life and my struggles and my obstacles and what I do daily to overcme them. I have many many many obstacles in leaving an A. I had many in living with him. I work on detaching from those obstacles so they don't overwhelm me and then daily I work on how I can go around, through, over whatever to resolve my issues and have a better life.
Some of us work on a plan b, that is what I need to get away from an A. That is an excellent way of detaching. It is a way of exploring your options. You do not have to act on that but you may feel empowered if you look at, itemize and think about what do you need to leave. When I began actively working on a plan b (which I did for many many months) I felt far less paralyzed with fear. I still dealt with an A who was acting out (he never stopped acting out) but I was much less invested in thinking about what he said to me, feeling hurt by what he said and over reacting to what he said. Over reacting is the norm for most of us. I have work pretty hard still on not over reacting to lots of things. I take EVERYTHING personally at times. There are other times when it washes over me. The issue I don't act on taking EVERYTHING personaly now, I know that is one of my charactor traits and I work on improving my charactor traits.
I know you will find a lot of solace, education, care, understanding, faith here. Please keep coming back and posting.
I have to agree with Christy on this -- if you really feel in danger, you've got to get some help quickly. Please - you're worth it! If you can't think about yourself just yet, think of your kids. Where would they be if something horrible happened to you?
I've got three muchkins -- 8-1/2, 7 (next Friday), and 5. I left their father a year ago and they've lived a much more stable life away from his drinking. Our lives are far from perfect, but we're doing better than we were.
Please, keep coming back. There are lots of people here who care about you already. You're not alone.
(((( twnzmama )))) I understand what you are sharing, the eggshells were a horrible feeling for me.
Here are some valuable numbers, they can answer questions while keeping things confidential and have resources beyond what you imagine. Please do not hesitate to call them. Battered Womens Justice Project 1-800-903-0111 National Organization for Victims Assistance 1-800-TRY-NOVA NationalResourceCenter for Domestic Violence at 1-800-537-2238 USDomestic Violence Hotline/ General Information 800-799-7233
From Courage to Change (p 273)
There is hope, there is help, and I have an inalienable right to human dignity. Please do keep coming back. If you would like any additional information please send me a private message by clicking on my nickname here. Much care, Tracey (tea2)
You have received some trendous suggestions from some very experienced, caring and loving women on this site. I am a man and I am holding my breath for you. I am an exbatterer. One of my victims was my alcoholic wife. Had it not been for Al-Anon I might just have taken that life from her or someone else because when I was fearful, confused, hurt, self centered and righteous and at times when I was drunk I would go into rage and the closest person is the closest victim. I have worked in an Alternatives to Violence program with men just like myself and shared my experience, strength and hope with them like I am with you. If you are already at the deep fear stage it is time to stop convincing him of what you want for him and from him and to start convincing yourself that you need to be in a safe place inspite of your feelings of resistence and fear. It is not the time to looks for ways to do more. It is time to do more for yourself and the children. You made a mistake getting into a relationship with an alcoholic/addict. I had to come to that realization myself and also to the realization that I need to do as much or more to take care of me as I also tried to take care of her.
When he looses control don't be in the area. If he has already told you that with the exception of your condition he would not be there for you understand that he feed that thought all the time. He has and is building some heavy resentments against life, his life and unless he gets help, which he says he doesn't want' from you, you and the kids are in danger.
Only your safety matters at this point. Do not ask him to participate in that, do not discuss it with him, do not expose any plans about it to him. If you are looking over your shoulder and are terrified...use that to move yourself out of harms way.
Just a timely story for me to share with you that came from my dinner table. My wife asked me if I had seen the news. I didn't. She related that an angry man chased down his wife bumping her car with his. She stopped and abandoned her car in a crowded shopping area on the windward side of Oahu, and started to run for her life. He caught her in front of many witnesses and beat her to death with the butt of a shotgun. The rest of the story is of no value to her. Maybe it is from you and may that it comes from a batterer is of much value also.
Stay alive!! If the rest of the mess gets cleared up you will only witness it alive.
You are cared for here and loved. The suggestions come from our real experiences. Try relying on that rather than your wishes and compulsions.
Keep coming back here. Don't be alone. Call the local Al-Anon hotline and ask for help there also. Get around and stay around those who have been in your shoes. So many have step up for you already.
We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day. Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn't believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry cause he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today, and it wasn't mother's day or any other special day. Last night, he beat me up again, it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I'm afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral! Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today.......
