The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi this is my first post. I have been a member for a year. Alanon has helped me to see things more clearly and the fellowship and understanding is wonderful. I am praying for courage as I never thought that I was afraid. God showed me recently that I am very afraid. I have been hanging on to something for fear of what change will bring. I am very sad and deeply stressed at the moment as I try to bring into reality and action my thoughts and realisations. I have tolerated my husbands behaviour, dry and drunk for 13 years, trying to mould my self around him, saying he's just different, making excuses for his personality and weird behaviours. He started to drink daily 8 years ago and has continued to work and support me and our son. Since then, I have endured the lonely nights, sleepless nights, the moods, blaming everyone else. You all know the stuff right? I have become accustomed to eating meals with out him and so has our son who is 12. That's just the norm. No matter how much I have let him go and own his own behaviour there is still this gnawing in my heart that even God can't take away. God can't take it away because it's not right that I should feel happy in this circumstance. If it was godly suffering then God would help me suffer with joy and overflowing abundant peace. But it never fully comes. I need to move out. For me and our son. My AH does not realise how unhappy I really am. Though I love him in a strange kind of way I don't like who he is. (did I ever?) That is what I need courage for today. To take that step and bring into being an action, that I believe God wants me to take. Oh but it hurts. And my son will be hurt. My husband will be hurt but hopefully he will enter recovery in AA and we'll take it from there, one day at a time. I need to be strong and brave and not lean on the alcoholic but God. When my AH makes all sorts of promises to changes with all the tears and pleading, I need to encourage him to do it and not move back in on a promise but wait for action and results. Like a year or something. I guess thats what I want to tell him, I want to separate for a year, so that I can fully recover. Not end the marriage as such but try to save it through recovery. Thankyou and thank God for alanon.
Loving an "A" isn't easy for me at times and I do understand what you mean by not liking him. I have felt the same way about my hub to.
It never ceases to amaze me at what this disease costs both us, and the "A"s. I think my hub is just now realizing what he has lost do to his disease.
I have found that for me happiness is a choice, and today I choose to be happy. I deserve it and my children deserve a happy mom.
I myself struggled with asking him to leave for years, and when I finally did I was amazed at the peace I felt. We have since worked things out, and I am very grateful that HP allowed me that moment of strength to ask him to leave. I know that if I need to do that again, that the strength is there and I can do it again.
So gald you found us and keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Hello and welcome.... you will find all kinds of good people here, many of whom have either gone through, or are currently going through some of these very same difficult decisions....
One book I would recommend to you would be "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews.... it was a virtual lifesaver for me, and explained so much of the feelings and process, what to expect, etc.... In a nutshell, it kind of tells us that "if we REALLY love our A's, then get yourself healthy".
I wish you good luck on your journey...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome to MIP! This has been a life saver for me and going to face to face meetings. You learn tools and you learn that you are not alone and that your feelings are real. The disease takes a toll on us and our children. However there is always hope for a better life. I understand when you talk about eating alone and being lonely. My AHSober eventually left and said he was giving into his addiction (he is a dry drunk). I remember one time when the kids were and their dad was working out of town. They didn't even ask where he was because he was always gone and working. But he is a good dad and they seem to accept him the way he is more so then I have accepted it. We learn in Alanon to take care of ourselves and make the changes for ourselves.
for me the leaving got easier when I started making a plan b. That is all the things I needed to do to leave. I did not leave with speed. I was here a good 2 years before i even got to the plan b. I had opportunities to leave but I could not take them. I was totally immobilized in fear. I was absolutely stuck.
I also did not choose to end the relationship straight away. I had contact with the A, indeed I even "helped" him for months on end nearly bankrupting myself as a result. Eventually I began to see the disease and stop being so responsible for him.
I understand and empathise with absolutely everything you say. I've been "left" a long time now, or rather it feels a long time, since last April. I had contact with him through November. I took my dogs from him in September and that was such a blessing. There were many many many hooks for me.
This room saved my life, there is no question about it. I think the room and the people here continue to do that day in day out. I am so blessed to have found al anon.
One book I would recommend to you would be "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews.... it was a virtual lifesaver for me, and explained so much of the feelings and process, what to expect, etc.... In a nutshell, it kind of tells us that "if we REALLY love our A's, then get yourself healthy".
I wish you good luck on your journey...
Tom
I highly suggest that you get this book, too. I read it several times and it helped me wake up and start taking care of me. I underlined what I needed to re-read and read those parts whenever I felt self-doubt about leaving. For about a month, I must have read it three times a day.
