The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The more I read about everyone's experiences the less I see my life will ever go back on track. My ex abf is in a treatment center, my life has been turned upside down over the past two years with him and now he is finally getting the help I pleaded with him to get (after our relationship ended.) I don't know if I really want a future with him, but I miss him and the last time i saw him (he's been sober for a couple months now because he's been incarcerated) things went very well and he's the wonderful man I loved again. I want everything to work out between us but I don't have the hope I once had that we can have a "normal" life or if he will ever actually get better. We have a baby together and I have that ideal picture of a happy family mom, dad and child in my head. Am I just that naive? I know it will always be a struggle but am I just in for a heartbreak?
There are people on this board whose spouse has been clean and sober and who have a family life. The issue is that they also went into recovery. I don't think the whole issue is about hoping that they will get better. We get better. Then we are there if they want to get better too. I stopped giving all my power over to the A. I doubt I would take him back now. At the same time if he made amends to me I would be open to communicating with him on some level.
We all have different stories. That is why it is so crucial to listen to all the stories sooner or later you hear your own story back. I hear in back in everyone here.
I also hear that I have to stop looking to the A to recover. When I focus on me and my recovery my life gets better regardless of whether he does. That worked for me.
I think if you have a set idea of what life "should" look like, then, yeah, you probably will never get that.
Even an alcoholic seriously into recovery is not a 'normal' person - they have a fatal disease, and their recovery needs to be a major part of their lives, for life. My husband was sober for four years, for a lot of that time really working his program. Even so, he was never an easy person to live with. Both of us had scars from the years of drinking, his craziness, and my craziness. He was, I am, deeply wounded, no denying it. So, normal? No. It was pretty good, though.
Even the years he was active, after I started using some of the tools you can be taught here, were pretty good a lot of the time. For me, that came from accepting that he was what he was, and not expecting him to become something different just because I wanted him to. I protected myself from his bad parts, enjoyed his good ones, and stopped living on wishful thinking. Mostly it came down to me changing some of MY behaviour. When there is only one crazy person in the house, things are calmer.
That's how it worked for me. It might or might not work that way for you. This program can save your life, and your sanity. It does not promise to save your marriage. You'll have to do what's best for you, and alanon can help you get the clarity to see what that is.
I find that sometimes my expectations of other people are not realistic - and my expectations of outcomes aren't either. (Not just with the A, but with everyone.) I wanted the storybook dream relationship - and I always felt like it was JUST within my reach.....IF ONLY he would get sober. What I'm slowly learning - through the people on this board and in this program, is that my happiness shouldn't (and can't) depend on another person. Ya know what? The alcoholic may be sober......or he may not. And he's only a sip away from everything changing in HIS life. We, as those who love A's, have to learn that we can have serenity and happiness regardless of what they do. Easier said than done, no doubt. But if you read the many, many posts on this board, you will find that - even though there is pain - there is also HOPE whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
I encourage you to attend a face to face Al-Anon meeting, and pick up some literature about the program. It is a lifesaver.
Glad you're here. ~Round3 ps.....wish i knew what "normal" was!!! :)
Kari, I heard once at a meeting that "Expectations are premeditated resentments" The expectations are mine, not anyone else's. And just because I think I know what is best for someone doesn't mine I am right. So I am working on having realistic expecations with people including myself.
I once thought that I wanted the pitcutre perfect family with the white picket fence, but really if I wanted that then I would have never been attracted to my "A". I wanted someone to fix, someone who was just as broken as I was, and I sure got that.
I will never have a "normal" family and I am just fine with that. I like what I have and I made the choice to keep it. And staying with my "A" hub means I have to accept that life will not be what I see in my head, but that doesn't mean it isn't just as happy, fulfilling, full of love, full of laughter, and whatever else I choose to allow.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Well, I am struggling with my view of the happy family and we all get together on holidays, etc. I knew better than to throw in the white picket fence. My AHsober left. He spent 24 hours with my sons and I at Christmas. His view of life is way different from my view. I have to let go of that. I really think that our normal IS living with an alcoholic and with alcoholism. I am learning to not be resentful of people with have a spouse and an apparent happy normal life. I am learning that I must appreciate what my normal has turned into (in part because of the A). My kids are grown. I go home to an empty house. I make life plans by myself not. And try to be happy with what I have. Hope this helps.
Kari, I have found that I am a more balanced person when I am not in a relationship. You see, I have a disease, just like the alcoholic has a disease. In order for me to take good care of myself, I need to not be my AH right now. Sometime in the future we may choose to reunite. Or we may choose to divorce. Right now, I am happy not being in touch with him. I am attending grad school and I am focusing completely on myself and loving every minute of it although there are many many challenges, also. I am grateful I got a break away from the living nightmare of that marriage. Right now, that marriage is sitting in a jar on a shelf. I have accepted this and its totally Ok for me right now. Others wonder but I care less and less of what others think. Those who sense my increasing serenity and peace, appreciate me more and more and THOSE are the people I am willing to invest in spending time with. I have been very clear with myself and others around me that I am married and in a monogamous agreement with one particular person who is not a part of my life at the moment. Because my focus is on me, I am not out looking for sex or emotional companionship from the opposite sex.
I am approaching a time when I will need to choose whether or not I want to remain in this marriage. I do not need to decide today or tomorrow or even next month. When the time comes, I will know it and proceed with what HP tells me is best.
I like my life in this moment. I do not see my life as being "on" or "off" track. I am exactly where I am supposed to be according to HP. Hugs, J.
