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Not posted for a while, but feeling really mixed up at the moment I think its to do with resentments, ego and my pride and still some unhealthy thinking patterns. My aboyf now ex! decided to behave in an unbearable manner which caused a lot of upsets and rows almost as though he was trying to get me to kick him out. Eventually I did but not like he left me a lot of choice. However this was supposed to be because he needed to be on his own to stay sober understand the programm, little did I know he had a fellow alcoholic to go to who sounded as unhealthy as him. Funnily enough that interlude fell apart and it did not work out surprise surprise!! So what I am left with is us two getting on ok not back tog the odd conversation, the odd text being civil. I feel so angry at his warped misconception that he said "Maybe it had to get that bad for us to split, but I dont want to drink now so its for the best." Well for my part I was not trying to make it bad I was very puzzled at his mean nasty behaviour and it was because he was having an affair, he did not see the light and seperate in search of his soberitey he split because he thought there was a cushion for him to fall on!!!!! So ANGRY ARGGGHHH!!!! My life has been more peaceful apart from him as he cant now use me as his whipping post and for that I am grateful. What really gets me is how he mentally abused my mind in terms of sex and the way I look and when I get upset he says well its not my fault you have low self esteem.!! I could scream literally I never had esteem issues until I met him and he has sexualy dysfunctions that he wont even admitt to instead he blames me my body my hair whatever he can think of! Just for the book I love my long blonde hair it is trendy and other people like it too, it is him who is unhappy with his own self image, I'm still slim but in the course of 4 years I put on a stone and a half but I'm tall, but now I'm free of him its coming off again. I suppose I'm wishing he was on step 4 and did a whole lot of admitting things but yes I know that his stuff not mine but none the less I can wish!! I'm aware this is a good old rant but by god I need it I ended up off work with stress a while back and all this disrupted my studies and I wake up very low but I try defo. Its almost as though he lives in a false reality of all the shit things he has done, probably a defense mechanism, this rant talks mainly about him and I'm aware I need to keep the focus on me but I feel humilated, my pride hurts and I dont feel that sexy at all I'm very paranoid and upset. Thank for listening Lisa
Well I can definitely relate to much of what you say. The A I was with currently is staying with some relatives who grow pot for medical marjuana. They are heavy drinkers. I don't doubt he is being taken care of. At the same time I think they won't throw him to the wolves either. I am at the point where I've turned the A's recovery over to HP rather than try to think of what's best for him. When I was thinking of what's best for him I know where that got me. I also felt left out, driven off and not taken seriously by the A. Now I can understand A's behavior in the contect of his disease I do not take it personally. I did for years but I also saw the progression of his disease. He went from functional to completely non functional during the time I knew him. The sad thing is so did I by driving myself crazy with his behavior.
I've been physically apart from the A for 9 months now, I was still in contact with him for most f that. I have not had contact with him now for a few months that helps. I have grieved a lot of that time. I think this board is an excellent place to come and grieve. Everyone here can identify with what you are saying.
