The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I keep wondering about lots of things and maybe you have too. Looking for esh as my head hurts from turning things over and over again.
One thing I wonder is how do you know when to quit trying to figure things out and letting go, letting HP. Maybe just stopping the wondering is good and give it all up to HP. That seems like I am not doing my share or my part for some reason.
I had the delight to hang out with 3 old friends for a 4 day holiday and though they know most of my flaws and errors, they were wonderful to be around with all the encouragement, acceptance, acknowledgement and loving kindnesses. Most of the time having my college kids home gives me positive vibes of acceptance, love etc even if I am irritating them. (:
So then I return with joy and renewal, the college kids return to school and I miss having all that positive energy around me. My at home kids like the older ones used to, drift off to there own things with little engagement as a family just like their dad. My AH seems to be doing better except there is so little acknowledgement, no encouragement or acceptance and the kindness, though appreciated seems so hollow when so much else is unsaid or lacking. I really wonder if it is fair or reasonable to carry on for either of us with such a limiting love. I can't love him in the ways he wants without the love I need and neither can he love me in the ways I want without the love he needs so it seems like a vicious circle. This colors the family unit in a negative, unstable and anxious way. So I wonder, will it be better to keep kids with lack of emotional support but financially secure (so far) environment. Or would kids thrive better without this even if the family is split up.
I am angry to be having to think these thoughts, to be in this situation and frustrated with the same old things over & over. My AH will only engage with me in the ways he wants to without consideration for what I might want. He will tell me flat out what he will not talk about.
I feel like I have tried before with marriage therapy etc and am working so hard to recover. I wish he would go to therapy himself and at least try to make something of what little is left between the two of us.
I am frustrated, which I know is a form of anger and anger is hiding fear of pain. I am tired of all the pain, I want to live with positive energy around me. So I wonder what is the path to positive energy for me & my kids......through recovery only or recovery & separation/divorce. I hate this disease and it is evident whether they drink or not which is another frustration. Just variations on the continuum from kinder & quieter to yelling and blame when you subtract or add the alcohol.
it's not just oh well................ this is a really big deal! sigh!! disillusioned ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
It is a mother's perogative to be irritating to their children! I am sorry you are going through this. What you are asking are certainly valid questions. You have to do what is best for you and your family.
Last year I found a really good meditation book by Melodie Beattie: More on the Language of Letting Go . I tend to do things backward because she wrote her other book: The Language of Letting Go. In either case, they are full of positive life afirming meditations and exercises. I found it very helpful. The other thing is, sometimes when the old brain goes into overtime, I have to walk away from it. I am reminded that answers come when we are most ready to receive them. Maybe you aren't quite ready for the answers or to move on. Timing can be everything. So take a deep breath, and realize that all will be revealed when it's right. In the meantime, keep working your program and never, never give up hope. That's what keeps us going. The sun always rises somewhere in the world. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Well I think for me frustration is a sign that I have to let go and detach and come at the situation different. I have to say for me these days it is a limit. I banged my head in frustration with the A for year. These days I do look at situaitons which frustrate me differently. Sometimes we do have to come up with a plan b. I know for me the plan bing was very very very hard. I wanted to do anything but make a plan b. These days now I am away from the A I try to come up with lots of alternative plans. I have my fair share of frustration. I see it as a red flag these days, regroup, readjust, resist banging your head.
Attitude is everything. I know for me negativity pervaded every aspect of dealing with the A. I felt totally unappreciated, misunderstood and neglected. I was. I put up with that for years. I stopped made a plan b and detached. In detachment I found the energy to move in other directions.
sigh!!
I am sorry you are going through this. What you are asking are certainly valid questions. You have to do what is best for you and your family. 
Love and blessings to you and your family.