The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have spent today pacing and asking my HP to stop me from any action. So far I haven't done a thing. No phone ringing, but I wasn't going to answer anyway. Final call today from son was "she (His EX) is threatening to call sherriff on me" and he hung up. I hope he isn't in a cell right now because she would definintely do it as she has told me. And because he calls her on phone. I say just don't answer; it isn't worth the time of law enforcement.
But my real reason for posting at the end of this awful Sunday is because I have no marriage left either. During this two years of drama with son's problems, my own marriage has been shredded. Not only his marriage but my cancer and now his illness. He sleeps in his recliner like an old, old man. I pace from room to room. He will not talk to me; when I try to discuss some or this stuff he clams up or gives me that look that says "will you just SHUT up??" I have had no hugs or kisses since I was first diagnosed with cancer almost a year ago. Did he think he would catch it from me? He took good care of me, but our behaviors to one another changed drastically. I was told in the hospital that we needed family counseling.....all cancer patients and families need that. We didn't get it; he won't do that kind of stuff. So here we are. At the time I need him most, he is in another world....and it includes sickness.... tomorrow we have a second opinion. It is quite possible that he has a malignancy as well. I am not sure I can bear up under more. If not, we will still undoubtedly face some weeks of more treatment and recovery.
What is my point? Your own marriage can be severely compromised by the problems of your children. I have many moments when I wish I had never had a child or a grandchild. The happiest people I know really??? those who were childless!! Seriously!! Most childless people are looked upon by society as selfish. I have had many friends in my lifetime who remained single or married with no kids....circumstances or by choice. They had pretty peaceful happy lives and still do. Even in their senior years they travel, have money, have no grief or stresses. Pretty nice life if you ask me. I had a child, loved him and raised him to the best of my abilities...he has left me down so bad. I had a pretty nice marriage for many years. We celebrated 46th anniversary last summer, but by then damages were growing and growing. What do I do now? It seems like nothing in my life can be repaired or restored tonight. Now I go to do my duitiful wifely duties: make dinner, place it on a nicely set table, eat in silence, clean up, watch TV. Keep my mouth shut just to keep the peace and allow my spouse to be suffering in his illness without additional burden from me. What a life. Isn't it amazing how alcoholism invades every facet of life? And I am trying to apply the principles of Al-Anon to the best of my ability, but without going to a meeting yet. I tried twice last week but couldn't as I had to drive spouse to doctor's appts and lab appts each five days of last week. More tomorrow.
Oma , please if your not already attending al anon f2f start now , you need support and a hug with real skin on it . Men don't well to wives being ill , and like u said when you were ill he was great nowwwwwww, my husb is exactly the same . I have come to accept that is simply the way he is , can't change him but I have also learned that if I want a hug - go get one . don't pull away if he shrinks from you , just keep doin it . u do it for you . He is not accustomed to you approaching him so he will probably react , it's not personal he just won't be used to this new behavior . one day he will suprise you and hug u back . You have to take care of you , if your husb is ill proffesionals will see that he gets the care he needs , support him be there for him as he was you but continue to look after yourself . Louise
I remember years ago when my mother lived in California and I in Idaho. I used to talk to her every week for a couple of hours by phone. She went through a period when she had my A brother and his girlfriend living with her for a long time. He was not helping with bills regularly and she on a fixed income was struggling. For a period of several months I almost dreaded calling her and would only call once or twice a month and often cut our call short because every time we talked I heard the same story over and over again. She was so negative and worried all the time. She refused to do anything to stand up for herself, but would complain over and over the whole two hours we talked if I would listen.
She allowed her entire life to be consumed by my brothers problems. He won't work. He won't help with the money. He won't get his gf to help with the house. They don't ake care of the kids. On and on and on until I couldn't stand it anymore and almost had to force myself to call. It was terrible. There was nothing that I could do and nothing that she WOULD do. She would not allow them to experience their own consequences. She was constantly bailing them out when they would not take responsibility for themselves. She was always in the middle of their lives and had none of her own.
My point is that it is gutwrenching to watch someone you love become consumed by someone elses problems that they can do nothing to change, and not take care of themselves.
I missed my mother terribly for months and months because of her attitude towards my brother that she had to be involved in every aspect of his life.
Just my experience. Hope it helps.
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
