The material presented
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level.
I was wondering if any of you have this same challenge to overcome: Mothering your A.
I'm separated from my recovering AH, although we see each other on weekends (usually). We have two grown children, both in their early 30s. I have no difficulty not giving them unsolicited advice. For example, one of our sons has this horrible cell phone service. Several family members ask me why he doesn't switch to a different one ( have wondered the same thing, too; but I never ask him). I tell family members that I do not know why, but perhaps when he gets enough of the poor service, he might consider changing providers. End of discussion for I know it's not my challenge to handle. In other words, I don't get into his personal life, be it big or small challenges. But I catch myself giving my husband 'tips' as I like to call them all the time! (I know I'm playing games with myself when I refer to the advice as tips.)
Call them 'tips' or unsolicited advice, it all boils down to trying to control him. Of course I tell myself that I'm doing it for his own good. But you know what thought came to me the other day and about stopped me in my tracks?
I don't give our children unsolicited advice because I trust that they will either make good choices to begin with or learn from them. However, I do not trust my husband to do the same.
So, I am being quite vigilant with myself and biting my tongue (figuratively speeking) when I feel the need to tell him how to navigate his life. Somehow, I have got to let go and begin to trust that he will find his own way.
Can anyone out there relate? I'm certain I'm not alone. I think they called what I just described "co-dependent." Right? Stormie
Good golly yes I CAN relate! You hit the nail on the head when you said it amounted to NOT trusting the decisions the AH made/makes.
I divorced my AH many many moons ago, but find this program invaluable in all areas of my life.
I have a 19 1/2 year old daughter still living with me, and with a a lot of maturing left to do.
My natural instinct is to give plenty of unsolicited advice because she often makes poor decisions, but then I have to remember she will never learn unless she is left to deal with the consequences of her choices.
I'm getting better at it, but I do often catch myself starting to open my mouth!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Stormie - I practically wrote the book on mothering the A. I always justified it by pointing out how unmanageable his life was. (btw, they LOVE when that's pointed out to them). Co-dependency. Hmmm. Yes. Oh yes. I pointed out to my counselor that I felt like if everyone around me was "ok" that I would be ok. I wouldn't have to worry about my world crumbling around me. So I've spent an inordinate amount of time making sure everyone's "OK". yep...codependency.
I think it's wonderful that you've noticed that in yourself and don't do it with your children. But, like you said, you TRUST that they will do the right thing. Trusting an A to follow through is ..... well in my experience..... not something to bet on. That's a hard one to get past. I'm still working on it. Wish I had some strength and hope on this subject, but alas, all I have is EXPERIENCE!!
Round3, you missed something. Stormie said she would trust the children to EITHER do the right thing the first time OR learn from their mistake. The thing we don't trust is for the A to learn from their mistakes. They spend so much energy running from consequences that it seems to take them making the same mistakes over and over for them to get it. But they repeat it less if we stop meddling and let them have the natural consequences of their actions. Unfortunately this is very hard as we are so invested in their success as husbands, wives, parents. Often we also suffer at least some of the consequences of their behavior.
In this program I am learning to roll with the punches so to speak. I will still suffer some of those consequences, but now I can limit my involvement and manage my end, with HP's help.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
When I stopped "mothering" my A, he left. He found a woman who would "mother" him willingly. I never, ever wanted to be his "mother" and told him so from the beginning. His way around this was to simply play stupid there by getting me to do it, tell him, fix it. I resented him for it. I wanted a partner, not another child. I finally stopped. No matter what he did or said I refused to do it for him. I refused to give him helpful hints or outright advice. I refused to enable him as a father. And when I stopped he stopped. He walked away and hasn't looked back. Now, I am having a hard time with that lately. The thing is, it's not my fault. I did a sane, rational thing. I gave up the illusion of control that he had forced on me. Are you ready to make your decisions and let go of the consequences? i knew that when I finally let him go that he would be gone. He had done that in his past relationships and even with me. That is one of the reasons I kept going back. Abandonment. Co-dependent. Denile.
Where do you want to go? How do you want your relationship to be? What are you willing to do? Nothing changes if nothing changes. I think it is awsome that you recognise any of this. And what a great job you must have done with your kids to feel secure enough to let them live their own lives. Our partners are our peers and I go to my peers for advice. In a sense I think it is natural to turn to our partners for advice, it becomes a problem when only one partner has the advice to give.
Oh yeah i can relate , my sober husb many yrs ago reminded me that he was a big boy now and would take care of himself . Okey dokey even today when he asks my advice I ask him are u sure u want to know my opinion ? not taking any chances here . I find that when i do give my opinion even when asked he takes the point of view that I have to be right , he dosen't understand that right doesen't matter to me anymore , but today I have an opinion and I have a right to say so . Next time u want to give advice to hubby ask yourself silently * did he ask ?* that does it for me . Louise
When my ah was in the throws of disease, this exact issue was one he threw around all the time. We definately had more of a parent-child relationship than husband-wife. He took any piece of advice or correction to mean that I had no respect for him, didn't trust him, thought he was stupid, on and on and on....
Looking back and now observing other relationships, I notice that my interactions weren't terribly different than how other wives treat their husbands; it was more about my ah's inability to deal with the communication. It was him who did not respect himself. Also, I think he felt so much guilt with so much anger at me, that he twisted everything. Unless I remained totally silent, nothing I could say would be interpreted correctly.
One incident that I clearly remember was a few years ago when we were getting ready to take a family bike ride. I had the sunscreen out and said to ah, "do you want some sunscreen?", to which he just rebelled and yelled at me. Later he said he heard me say, in a nasty voice, "put on some sunscreen". Didn't happen, that I am sure of, but even so, the response was totally inappropriate and over the top.
I know where you're coming from. Hang in there. It's great that you are aware and working on it.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Lou you are totally playing my tune! Me, too! Total silence is all I could do. Everything got twisted into something negative, bad, the slightest comment (even things like: "wow, what a beautiful day it is!") was wwIII to him. Not much to work with there, its an inside job- all you can do is walk away. I just wanted to say that I totally relate. J.
Thanks for all you wonderful replies. I enjoyed all of them.
Fortunately, my AH does not get nasty when I give him unsolicited advice; but I do realize that I'm trying to control him and doing my best to stop it, even with little things such as advising him to double rinsing his white clothes when he uses bleach.
I just got off the phone talking with him. I caught myself wanting to ask him if he is continuing to put oil on his heels (they are cracked to the point where they hurt him). But I didn't. I figured giving him the oil was enough. What he does with it is his business.
Thanks again everyone! I'll be checking the board infrequently after tonight. I have to return to work after winter break; I have had three weeks off. Now, I have to head back to my classroom. I hope to be too busy to mother him.
). Co-dependency. Hmmm. Yes. Oh yes. I pointed out to my counselor that I felt like if everyone around me was "ok" that I would be ok. I wouldn't have to worry about my world crumbling around me. So I've spent an inordinate amount of time making sure everyone's "OK". yep...codependency. 