The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My therapist has been recommending that I attend al anon meetings for sometime now, but with my one and a half year old and my full time university experience i find myself with little free time.
I have been with my partner for a little over two years and emotionally and mentally i find myself giving up. For so long I thought to myself he has a good heart he will change this will get better. I even believed him for years when he said he'd never do it again. He's a severe alcoholic and when he's not drinking he seems to fill that void with gambling, sex and now I'm sure there is another woman.
I know I'm not a therapist and I know I can't see inside his head, but sometimes his actions make me think that he thinks nothing of me. Just the other day he said he was going to work and I felt bad for him, drove to his work to surprise him at lunch and he wasn't even there. He was gambling at the local card room. I turned into a monster... went into a rage and raised a scene in the parking lot with all of my yelling.
I don't want to live this life and I don't want to be this angry and bitter person. I feel like I need help, like I'm going crazy like his issues are mine as well. To make a long story short he has been begging and crying and pleading me to stay this week saying he will make everything right. Well tonight he is not answering his phone and the last time i talked to him I could tell he had been drinking and he acted once again like he didn't give a crap about me.
I feel like I'm going crazy with all of the lies and deceit and drinking and gambling.
I don't know who I am or what to do anymore... but I do know I need to leave and start my own life without him.
I just don't want him to retaliate against me leaving by trying to take my baby.
I'm really sorry that you are going through so much. You came to the right place for good, honest advice though. I think that we've all reached that rage where we take a step back and say, "who is that person doing that? that's not me?!" and realize that it's time for a change.
Leaving your A is a huge decision but know that you have a lot of support here. (((((wahineal)))))
Welcome home. You are qualified to be here and feeling like you are going crazy and want to run and hide somewhere is normal for family, friends and relatives of alcoholics and addicts. So your normal for this disease. There are alot of "normal" people on this site and they all have experience, strength and hope to share with you if you hang around and read their posts.
Being a monster was normal for me also I found out. It was evidence that my life had become unmanagable and that I had slipped into insanity. I also went for emotional help.
I would suggest that you follow thru with your counselors suggestions. Find an Al-Anon meeting (or several) in your area. Find a baby sitter for your child and find your seat at the meeting. If you don't find peace of mind and serenity while the disease is raging in your life your university experience may just come to zero. Often times there are recovery meetings on campus. Check out to see if there is an Al-Anon meeting at your university.
I've done plenty of scenes. I was full of rage with the A. If you are a monster you have company. I have really really let my emotions get out of hand many a time. Our house (if you can cal it that) was a total screamathon for years.
I feared, worried, obsessed and then did it some more. Then I came here 3 years ago (like you I did not have that much time to go to face to face meetings) I started to let the program into my life and things changed. I am glad you are here. This group has been very very helpful to me.
wahi, I was a monster. I never thought I was but my A brought me to my knees in this regard. I was shocked at what I was capable of. That was when I knew I needed help and could not do it alone. That was in my first step. The word monster comes from the word monstrance which has its root in a latin word for "light". In a way, I can see now, my "monster" was my lantern- she showed me I needed help. J.
Welcome to the MIP family. Nobody wants to feel the way you do, and we've all felt that way. It comes with the disease. But the good news is, is that we can treat it. We can do something about it. The beauty of this program is that it gives us the tools so we can tame the beast. There are Alanon meetings which are children friendly, some even offer sitter services. Sometimes staying busy isn't enough. I can remember staying busy, but in the back of my mind I was still focuses on the A. Alanon takes the focus off the A and puts back on us where it belongs. After all, your recovery can only benefit you as well as your child. So what do you have to loose (except the monster)? Keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Oh Lord, wahineal, I was more insane than my crack addicted husband. I drove like a maniac, hunted him down in crack alley, chased a drug dealer and my AH out of the car screaming like a psyco, woke up people in the area who yelled at ME and told ME they were going to call the police on ME! I went NUTS! ANd that particular incident I was 9 months pregnant, in my pj's, in the middle of winter! Which one of us was on drugs? I hadn't even slept in 3 days at that point. Needless to say, that was before I came into this program. I have a million "lost my mind because he was on drugs/having an affair/stealing/lying" stories.
But the best story is how I came to this program and found sanity. It really does work if you work it. Just keep comming!
