The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i was wondering, should i tell my A that I have found this site and begun reaching out for my own help? I feel a little guilty keeping a secret from him. I have even save it in my favorite places under a fake name so he won't find it. Should i share this info or do you guys think it would be better to keep this just for me?
What are you expecting, if you tell? It's one thing if you just hate to keep secrets from him, it's another if you are hoping, deep inside, that he would go "Oh, you've joined alanon? This means I must be an alcoholic, I'll get help immediately".
I found, when I was in the depths of his disease with him, that I did very little just for *me* -it was all about how it would influence or look to him. Even though I couldn't really admit that, even to myself.
So, I'd say (not just about this, but about most things) - if your motives are pure, and you can let go of the outcome, then whatever your instincts tell you to do is probably right. If you are unsure of your motives, and the outcome is vital to you, then it is usually best to wait.
Wow Lin - I really like what you posted - "If your motives are pure, and you can let go of the outcome, then whatever your instincts tell you to do is probably right. If you are unsure of your motives, and the outcome is vital to you, then it is usually best to wait." That is so rich with truth for me right now - for so many reasons. I needed to read that. That statement can be applied in SO many areas of life. Great advice. Thanks.
Hi concerned, I did the same thing-hid the bookmark under a secret name. But I did tell my AH that I was seeking help for myself through Alanon because I needed help in my own healing. I told him that I could no longer handle his addictions myself and if this continued, I was going to die from the hurt inside me. He never said that I couldn't go here and was angry at me. But sometimes I wonder if he remembers because he was messed up when I told him about my need to heal.
I would suggest not. Not until you have some recovery under your belt and you have learned about this nasty disease of alcoholism/addiction and what your part in it has been. There are others on this site/board that may rather have their posts and replies kept anonymous. Anonymity is a tradition of the 12step/12tradition spiritual recovery programs. You keep confidential what another relates to you confidentially. We might mention someones share with us. We don't mention who it came from or where. In the past I have had my anonymity broken by a fearful newcomer and as a result had my phone number foundout and was threated with violence on one occasion and death (terminal violence) on another.
Yes this is a public domain. No we don't lead the alcoholic further into the swamp with an invitation to react at you. Lost mentioned telling your alcoholic that you were seeking help. That's caring and engaging in honest conversation with someone you are in a relationship with. Actually it's your business and really not any of his. It's for your betterment and recovery where you didn't mention if he cared much about that issue. If your motive is that he gets the point in a round about way or so that you won't feel guilt or shame, I would pick up some Al-Anon CAL (conferenced approved literature) and read from the index all you can about fear. I did that myself because the truth was that I was affraid that I might hurt anyones' including the alcoholics feelings and would do anything to escape another person's displeasure with me...real or imagined.
I say, for now...No. Check out what the program and the people who come here really are first and give yourself some time to get a bit of knowledge about recovery before you just react.
Keep coming back for yourself. This is only for you; not the alcoholic.
to this day i keep this site to myself. i write alot of private stuff/feelings and i don't want AH to read it. This is my own time with other people that can realte and won't humilate me, call me stupid or tell me i am just crazy. I did tell him that I went to alanon for the first time yesterday and he didn't seem to care, eventhough he later made a comment about my "silly little group and what a loser i am that i have to talk to strangers about my problems." My response to him? Nothing, nada! I didn't say a word! He's the loser!
I remember your last post...please know that I do pray for you!
I have done the same, bookmarking it under a fake name, keeping it a secret, and feeling guilty. I felt like I was betraying him in some sort of way because I was confiding in people I did not know with our dirty laundry. I have learned that because I am living with an A and his thoughts are not rational, it is completely necessary for me to have contact with people who understand me and keep me grounded. That is what alanon teaches us, to take care of ourselves.
I think that the guilt is a normal part of our own disease--that feeling that we have to protect the A, to keep the A safe (even if they are actively hurting us), to isolate ourselves so that no one knows and might criticize the A.
The truth is, however, that there is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I am a grateful member of Al-Anon, in part, because I love my A. I participate in the board because it can help me in my recovery from the effects of living with and loving my A. Because of my recovery, I deal with my A in a more healthy way and I am able to change the "dance" that we have danced for years. If it results in the A changing as well, that is a wonderful by-product, but it is about ME.
The active A is suspicious of Al-Anon because he/she thinks that someone will tell us to leave. The A fears losing control over us and having to face his/her addiction. So, the A sometimes tries to guilt us into giving up our recovery so that we can stay in the addiction with the A. Sometimes, we buy into this and hopefully we find recovery again down the road (and hopefully before it is too late). Othertimes, with the support of other Al-Anons, we recognize that the A is trying to manipulate us out of fear and possibly his/her own shame and guilt and resist.
In my case, my sober AH strongly supports my Al-Anon recovery, probably because he is working a strong program himself. That being said, I would not share this site with him unless he asked and even if he asked, I would have to pray about it. This, like my F2F home group is a safe place for me to share my disease with others who are in the fight with me. Some of the things that I share might hurt the A, even though they are not intended to hurt him. I might not feel free to share some of the things that I need to so that I can continue to progress in my recovery. It is not that I am sharing anything that I wouldn't necessarily say to his face, but this place is about my recovery, not his.
It has taken me a long time to realize that it is ok to keep some things for myself, separate and apart from my AH, and that does not mean that I am being disloyal to him or to my relationship with him. That realization goes hand-in-hand with figuring out how to be an individual within a relationship, something that we Al-Anons seem to have trouble doing, don't we??
Keep taking care of you and keep coming back!!
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
My A who has been in recovery for almost 2 years (though he has only 130+ days now) often reads posts from this site with me, but he is the adult child of 2 practicing alcoholics. We both get a lot from this site and he has told me before that he knows he would not be where he is now without the influence and insight he has gotten from this site.
That being said, our agreement is that he can read anything he wants that I write unless I ask him not too, but he had better read it with an open mind and an accepting attitude. I am not going to take responsibility for him getting his feelings hurt if he reads something he doesn't like. So far it has not been a problem. He has read a few things that were uncomfortable, but has dealt with it without becoming a jerk. LOL
Anyway, it works for us. I would not however share it with him if I thought it would cause more chaos in my household or if he would pick at me constantly. Why give him more fuel for his insane fire?
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I felt guilty if I breathed around the Alcohlic for a long long time. I would suggest not saying anything for a long time. The A I was with told me a while ago that he heard that I was still in recovery rooms online. I did not respond. I know full well he is not interested enough in me and my life to bother looking.
At one time I really had a huge fantasy that he would want to get well he didn't. He consistently chose to go on lieing and using and more using.
Often we become "fused" in an alcoholic relationship its hard to separate out whats ours and what's yours. Right now this board is yours and there is no need for absolutely everything in your life to be "ours".
For me, I think it won't make any difference whether you do or you don't. It's part of the 3 C's in action. (I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.) It is internalizing I won't have any effect on whether my A decides to recover or continue his active phase that frees me to check my motivation for my own benefit. Do I want to tell him? Do I want this apart from him? I agree with the suggestions you take your time before acting. Welcome to AlAnon. It's wonderful to find people in your situation. Hope you keep posting. Jill
In the beginning I kept this site strictly a secret. I didn't want my AH to know anything about it. But as I became stronger I did find a time where I was able to tell him about this site. After I told him, I attended my first f2f meeting.
He had begun to notice a change in me even before I told him, but he said he wasn't surprised at why. There are times when he throws it up in my face that Al-anon hasn't helped me at all. Then I tell him that I am a work in progress, and am getting better one day at a time.
My AH is still drinking, and at times his behavior is very ugly and obnoxious, if it wasn't for Al-anon and this site I could never maintain my sanity.
As to whether you should tell your alcoholic, just trust in your HP, as I have in mine and you will know the answer to that in your own life.
I'll be praying for you.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
We don't give advice in AlAnon. We share what works for us. You make the choice.
Personally I never shared the sites I visited...especialy the recovery ones. That was my space. It was my way to heal. I could go to the message boards and read and post and he cold be ravig or passed out in the next room. I never let my online support be anything I felt guilty abotu not sharing with him. IF i wanted to post feelings and such and he found them, he might use it against me. (mine is slightly vindictive at times...)
The one thing i DID feel guilty about was attending f2f meetings. When I first started going, he was furious. He made it so hard on me to go. He'd tell me I was being brainwashed. They are a cult. It was not helping me. He'd tell me I was stupid to go sit and liisten to the same thing each week. So for a long while I just stopped going and only di d online meeitngs. It was my way of keeping the peace.
Then I found some I could attend during the day while he was at work. He'd come home and ask me what I did. I'd list stuff..maybe lunch with so and so, but OMIT the part about the meeting. I am Catholic. When I went to confesion I shared with the priest that I felt guilty for keeping my attendance to the alanon meetings to myself. I felt it was a sin of omission by not telling him the WHOLE truth of how I spent my day. The priest told me not to carry any guilt. He said you NEED those meeting for YOU. Your peace of mine depends on them. I was so relieved. I no longer carried the guilt.
And after a while I started openly telling him I was going. HE might say, did you ask me if you could go>? ANd I said, no, but I am telling you I am giong. I need these so I won't go crazy.
I keep this site to myself. A thinks AlAnon and AA are a lot of garbage...so why put myself in the path of criticism? Also, like others, I write things here I do not share with him; nor do I wish to.
It's a personal decision, but for me that decision is no.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
One of the very first things I learned in my program was that when I have to question whether or not to do anything the answer is "NO". If it were ok I would automatically do it. I have used this since day one and it has always worked out for the best whether dealing with the sick people in my life or dealing with another shopper at the grocery store.
My recovery is "mine" and mine alone. As long as I keep it that way I don't feel obligated to share anything unless I feel it is ok to do so. My higher power has always shown me when it was the right time to do anything.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
hi dear one, I had a friend who told her A. He started coming onto the MIP site and harassing people. She had to stop coming here.
I feel we have to remember,A's are very sick people. we never know what they will think or do. To allow them access to this site, they can use what you write as ammuntion for the disease to use against you.
You can lose this wonderful place where you feel safe to let it all out.
My A told me Alanon is the A's greatest enemy when they are using.
In my experienc it has never been good to open the A to this site.
Also we must remember, A's get sicker and sicker. Maybe now it would be ok, but as the disease gets worse, altering their thought processes, you may want to always know you are safe here.
hugs hon, love,debilyn who will tell you, if we really get into alanon, do the work and work the program, believe me they will know you are in alanon.
