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After almost 3 months sober my AH announced to me last night that he was going to have "a couple of drinks" tonight and Saturday night. He told me that he had had a couple of drinks last weekend when he was out with the boys and he is confident that he can hold it at that level. He , ironically enough, is starting an intensive out patient alcohol program next week as a result of his recent DUI. He said he doesn't ever want to get drunk again and knows how much he has hurt me with his drinking, blah, blah, blah. I don't think he can drink socially and I feel it's only a matter of a very short time before he is back to drinking a bottle of Vodka a night. I am heartsick. I have decided that I am no longer going to argue with him about this, so I just went to bed. How do I handle this. I am again thinking of filing for divorce. I'm so tired of this. We had three wonderful months when he was sober, and now this...
If he actually does this, it will be very interesting to see how it plays out with the outpatient program. Interesting to WATCH - that's "his stuff".
For me, I learned to try to say, instead of "what a cockamamie idea!!!!", "What do the guys at your meetings say?", or "what does your sponsor say?". (This isn't an option for you yet, but next week it will be.) I made sure to say it calmly, without a tone that said how dumb I thought it was (as much as I could). Usually I got no response, but sometimes he would in fact then ASK his sponsor or the guys at the meeting what they thought, and - even more rarely, but sometimes - I would get to hear about some of those thoughts.
I am sorry for the pain that you are going through right now!! I am also sorry for your AH and for the choice he seems to have made--it will only lead to more pain for both of you.
Only you can decide what you can live with and what you cannot live with. I told my sober AH that if he ever starts drinking again that I cannot be with him because I do not trust that person and that person hurt me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I said what I meant, meant what I said and I didn't say it mean, and he knows that I mean it. I am not saying that it would be easy to stick by it, but I know that I must for my own sake.
Having set the boundary, it will be up to me to enforce it. One of the first things I learned in Al-Anon was not to make ultimatums, but rather, to set boundaries that I would be able to stick with...I didn't realize that everytime I gave him an ultimatum when he was drinking, and then didn't follow through with it, that he lost whatever respect he still had for me.
So, what can you live with?? What can you follow-through with?? Say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean. And continue to take care of yourself and your children.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I do agree in you need to decide what you can and can't live with, and stick to it.
I know too well the sick thinking of the alcoholic, both from my own thinking prior to recovery, and the thinking of my oldest daughter.
I relapsed after 4 years thinking I could be a 'social' drinker, and it wasn't long until I had once again spiraled out of control.
My daughter can go long periods without drinking, but the alcohol is replaced with meth or pot or pain pills. There is no true sobriety.
Personally, I have found it impossible to work my own recovery and have peace of mind while having a sick dysfunctional A in my home.
Today I chose to have a home free of alcohol and free of denial.
I never ever thought I would enjoy being alone, but I do now.
My alcoholic ex-husband passed away last year at the ripe age of 47. Although we had been divorced for many many years, it did have a profound impact on my life.
I had no doubt I had made the right decision when I left him.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
When my ah first came out of rehab almost a yr ago, he was determined that he was "different" than other alcoholics. His logic was that he had made the choice to get druunk where others were compelled. Also, he said that he really believed that some A's can drink in a controlled way. He wouldn't admit that it was his plan, but I knew.
We were separated and my d told me how proud she was of her dad that he would keep 1 beer in the fridge for his friends. Well, he is his own best friend, you know...
Well, after a few months I discovered he was hitting the drugs again and found out when he went fishing with his buddies he was drinking, but kept it completely under control. Never saw him physically impaired, but his mental state and spirit were screaming he was in trouble.
By the grace of God I was able to finagle getting him into a Diversion Program through his work. (I believe it is available to attorneys also). Since I am part owner of our business and we just built a new facility, I truly had everything to lose, so it was also about saving me. Now that he is 2.5 mos into recovery and attending mandated 90/90 he admits that it wasn't til he had a beer that he wanted the drugs again, and that although he was managing okay he can see how it could have got out of control. I have no doubt that is the case.
We are divorcing. He did the filing, but it should have been me a long time ago. I can only repeat what has been said to me over and over which is to give it up to your HP and take care of you. If you haven't made it to f2f meetings yet, I encourage you to do so. The change is gradual, but the fellowship changed my life.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
All part of their journey and struggle in recovery, I'm afraid.... My exA, who is now over five years sober and completely and utterly involved in AA - struggled with sobriety for many years, coming home with such statements like: "I tried AA, but those people are stuck..... I want to be with people who are moving forward" or "those people are real drunks.... I just have a few issues to sort out".
If it wasn't so serious and painful, it would be kinda funny - so many of the excuses on why they are different, or why they can do it differently, etc.... Unfortunately your hubby is still not convinced he really truly has a problem, and is still stuck in trying to "manage" his drinking.... It's his journey, to succeed or to fail....
"He's either gonna drink or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I'm sorry you are going through this. But as I've been told a thousand times: An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna, sober or not. There is nothing you can do about it. All we can do is to take care of ourselves, and do what is best for us. If he thinks he can socially drink, he'll soon find out that it's not true. Eventually the law will catch up to him if he does. Just turn him over to his HP and take care of you. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Not arguing is huge. I saved so much energy doing that. I think the decision to leave is huge too. I sat on that ofr a long long time. No one can tell you when and how you should do that. For me it was leaving then becoming aware I could not go back. I can tell you in my ESH that when I did leave the A had a lot of reaction to it. It did not go down well at all. He felt betrayed and angry and certainly did not understand it.
I have also been there, done that and got the t shirt on dealing with someone who drives recklessly. I feel that is so very hard to deal with. I wanted to give him a chance but he was absolutely compulsive about not adhering to any program or any method of living that was nutruing and kind and loving. He'd make excuses, lies, make more excuses, lie and keep on doing it. Eventually I was an absolute nervous wreck.
My AH did the same thing after 3 or 4 sober months being the AA poster child. He didn't think he was that bad and had learned his lesson. All he wanted to do was smoke a little pot. He never intended to do shots at 5am or buy alcohol at the pharmacy after dropping the kids off at school in the morning-- but guess what? he did. Some people forget that the fire is still hot. They need to keep touching the stove. Can I stay thru this drama again? We'll see... my HP is with me and will help me decide if and when I need to go.
My experience tells me to act in my (and my kids) best interest-- not react to punish my A or try to keep my ego intact. I really do want to punish him though-- but when I see what the alcohol and drugs are doing to him, I realize he is punishing himself way more than I would ever!!
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Chetch, I am sorry this is happening to you. I have no ESH but just wanted you to know that you are a good smart cookie and have a good head on your shoulders and heart in your body. I have watched you grow here at MIP and you are going to be Ok whether he drinks or not. You know that you need to keep the focus on you and you are working the program well. Hang in there. hugs, J.
