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level.
My name is Becca and I am married (but currently separated from) an alcoholic husband. I have three wonderful little boys, all of whom live with me. H and I have been married for 11 years, together for 16 total. He has been a drinker since I met him. Heaviest in the beginning (college / just out of college years), but still a drinker in his mid-20s and 30s. He has been in AA since last year and is doing better (for himself).
As for me, I feel bad because I cannot make myself happy for him. I am bitter beyond belief. I begged and pleaded for years and years for him to stop drinking, to stop belittling me or the kids, to stop having such a negative attitude, to stop the constant need for ego stroking...and it all fell on deaf ears. Then, he decides its time, joins AA and now wants everything to go back to normal? How am I supposed to accept that? I can't! I know it's unhealthy, but my bitterness and resentment are intense and have not subsided at all.
Our children are very high maintenance. My 8 and 7 year-olds have special needs (epilepsy and autism, respectively) and H never had any tolerance for their "differences." He never hesitated to yell at them or make a very big deal out of things beyond their control. Now, since he's "found his path towards peace," he's claiming to be homesick and wants to come back to our family. I asked him to leave in September - after months of deliberation - when I heard him answer my 8-year-old's question of "Where's Mommy?" with "I don't care where she is." And this is when he was sober for 7 months. I just don't trust him.
Adding to that...he told me last week that he wouldn't be stopping by to see the kids because he was having dinner downtown with his AA sponsor. So, I took the kids out to a little sandwich shop in our neighborhood since we now had a night with no commitments. We walk into the restaurant, and there is H - not with his sponsor - but with a woman he met at his AA meeting. So not only did he lie about his dinner plans that night, but it's come to light that he's dating a newly sober woman. And his kids walked in on all of this in a public place. My son with autism was so confused, and my 8-year old wouldn't even look at him. Thank goodness the baby didn't understand. It was a nightmare.
I'm sorry to vent and ramble...I'm just torn. Yes, life is ridiculously hard without help with three boys - ages 8, 7, and 3 - running around. Throw in the autism and the seizures and it's nearly driving me to drink! But, I also feel like I was basically raising them by myself before he left anyway. We are living apart now, but we are remaining married for insurance purposes. I tried to get private insurance, but since I have had an invasive skin cancer, I cannot get coverage. Fortunately, he recognizes this and is willing to cover us until I can finish school and get a job that will let me coordinate and run my children's education, assistants, doctor appointments, therapy schedules, etc...and still manage to go to work!
If you've gotten this far, thanks for listening. I guess I'm just looking for a sign that I'm in the right place, etc. And while I wouldn't wish this life on anyone, a few "I've been there and managed to get through its" wouldn't hurt either.
You made a good choice coming here. MIP is very supportive and loving. I've been coming by for a couple of weeks now and it has been a great help to me. I'm sorry you are going through this and I will keep you in my prayers.
I'm sure glad you told us your name because I will never remember "mrcjschu" !! LOL
You've happened on the right place for sure. Alanon can help you work through your resentments, set boundaries for yourself and give you tools to work with. I'd love to ask you to attend a face to face meeting but with 3 little ones it might not be realistic for you. Still, you can learn a lot here but real alanon meetings are great.
I can certainly understand your reservations about hubby wanting to come back. You just do what you need to do for you. If you feel you need time to work through this stuff, take it. YOU are number one and don't need to do anything you don't want to or are not ready to. Alanon isn't an easy program because we have to do all the work. If you work this program you will definately find yourself a better, more grounded person that knows exactly what she wants.
Give our chatroom a visit too!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Welcome. You're in the right place and you are certainly qualified to be here. I gotta smile at your story about what the alcoholic did. That is soooo similar a thousand times over from what has been posted here over the last several years. My alcoholic was my wife and I got a similar story. It wasn't funny then but after a while I learned to look at that crazy abstract picture with humor rather than disbelief. Sometimes she even told the truth and then I got soooo confused because she would go out of character. Any how I got to Al-Anon, stuck around, listened, learned and practice the suggestions they gave me when I showed up and now not matter how crazy, confused, frustrating or whatever life gets like around me? I'm okay...not perfect okay. Some days are better than others and most days I feel are better than the days before them.
I hope you add this program to your life. You will benefit from it and so will your children. There are miracles here if you choose to stick and learn. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Becca ~ You are definitely in the right place. Your load does sound heavy, but you're taking a step in the right direction by finding this board. The Al-Anon program is a life and sanity-saving program. You'll find that all of us here have experienced some form of what you're dealing with.
Sounds like your intuition is on target about your AH. If the dishonesty is still going on, then you're probably not ready to accept that he's really working his program and thus ready to move back home. It's natural that you would still have lots of reservations about things - and have bitterness and resentment. I have found, through working this program, that the only one I can change is myself - and slowly I've been able to let go of those kinds of feelings.
He'll either drink or he won't, but you've got a life to live and children to raise. You've got to find a way to do that regardless of his actions. Al-Anon can definitely help you with that.
Please keep coming back. Our prayers are with you. Ellen
Been there, still getting thru that. I am so sorry for what you are going thru. I really am. I am currently raising 3 girls on my own, no support or contact from their father. You can do this Becca. There are many who have gone before us who have done it. You are in the right place. I found sobriety harder to handle than my ex's crack addiction, honestly. He also found sobriety and then found "love" with another AA. Thing is, when they find "love" in early recovery, it is just their way of replacing the drink. It is just another way of avoiding their own pain. Using someone else. Especially someone who "understands" them.
Despite it all, you sound very centered. You sound like you know that the resentments you are carrying are hurtful to YOU. We have a saying here that resentment is like taking poision and wishing the other person would die. This program has helped me stay sane thru this nightmare. It will help you also. If you haven't already, I would suggest getting to a face to face meeting. This place is awsome but there is nothing like getting a real life hug from someone who totally gets it. In the mean time here is a cyberhug ((((((Becca)))))). Keep comming back!
I can definitely relate to the whole issue of carrying the whole burden around the A. I can also relate to being separated from the A and finding him in lies.
i can also tell you this room and this program has helped me immeasurably. I eventually chose to let the A go. This room sat with me through the separationg, my ambivalence, my giving to him again, my giving him one more chance after one more chance. No one judged me, they sat with me through it. I had to go through that. I know that these decisions are not made over night.
I learned how to trust myself in this program. I learned that I can set the standards by which I live and raise my children. This is my life too. I will not just sweep the past under the rug and forget about it. I think that would be counterproductive. I want to see it, accept it, and learn how not to be party to repeating it. That is what I get from this program.
I hope you keep coming back here. Try contacting someone about f2f meetings. I have to take my kids to meetings and though they don't have special needs, you might find one with babysitting or some other way to work it out. You are not alone in that situation either.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
welcome Becca- You are in the right place and will learn much here! Life with alcoholism is very hard-- it is insane really. It changes the whole family, not just the A. Taking the alcohol out of the picture does not cure the whole problem. It sounds like you have a lot of frustration and resentment (I know because I've been there too!) we become as sick as the A because of all we have been through. If you are openminded and willing, this program can help you (and, in turn, your kids) Life will get better if you have courage to change the things you can (your self) take care- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
You are in the right place, there is so much love, and understanding and experience here. You will be supported and listened to. You will find much knowledge, a wealth of care and always find others that either share a similar situation as yours or have come through a similar situation.
I kinda got through my situation, made heaps of mistakes, took wrong direction from people who had no idea, but then that was 20+ years ago and I did not have this wonderful to support me. I am learning how to put some of the wrongs right, and how to take care of me and correct my wrong thinking and recover from the sickness I caught being in the A's environment of violence, deceit, and squalor, to put it politely.
Autism is not easy to live with and that shows that you have great strength. Epilepsy is equally challenging and still you cope. And you have a three year old too. What a super challenge you have. Take time out for you, and learn the tools to take care of you too.
There are so many others in this family who I feel have so much more expertise and knowledge that I will not say anything more, other than I will pray for you all. [My prayer list has grown to huge lengths in the last couple of months, but there we go. ]
I do believe in miracles and I do believe in the power of prayer. I am living proof of both.
Sending you cyber hugs ((((((()))))) Heartbroken
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
