The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This past few months, I have seen so many people dealing with the death of a loved one. P. , lost his mother, age 67, she went into a coma in church and never regained consciousness. B. , her brother went fishing Thanksgiving Day, and was missing until a week ago, when his body was found. M. , her brother in law had a stroke and died at age 33, leaving 2 kids. T., his father died from pneumonia K., his mom died from heart-related illness G., her father in law died..... and that is just a few of them. I have been a regular at the local funeral homes recently. I have held the hand of so many grieving people, standing at the casket of someone they loved. I have been thinking lately how fleeting life is. How we obsess over trivial matters, while life is flying by. We grow up, grow older, our kids grow up, grandkids come along. They grow up...............it just goes too fast. I have tried to tell my husband (when we were speaking) that time is just flying. We need to enjoy life and each other, and live each day as if it were our last. He just shrugged his shoulders, and said "Well, everyone has to go sometime. Someday you'll be gone, and I will too." Oh, well, so much for sentimentality. I guess that is why I have been spending less and less time and home, and less time obsessing over my AH. My life is going by. I don't want to be on my deathbed, and think...gee....I wish I had gone out to coffee with Jane when she called. But, I was too busy worrying about my AH. I wish I had gone to dinner with Theresa...but....oops, I was thinking AH might not drink that night. But he did. Another night wasted. I wish I had gone dancing with Jenny and John, and that band I love was playing that night, but, oops, AH doesn't like me to go out without him, and he doesn't like to go because beer costs too much in a bar. I wish I had seen that movie, but AH didn't want to go, so I stayed home. Then he went across the street and got drunk. I am tired waiting. I am ready to live, I think. I am not ready to leave our home yet, but I am getting stronger. I am going to live my life, if I live in that house with him, or if one or the other of us moves on and we end up selling it. We got married at that house. I never thought I would want to leave it. The veil is being lifted from my eyes. Ever so slowly. My AH may NEVER stop drinking, and he may NEVER be the man I loved and married again. He may never even be nice to me again. Am I willing to sit by and watch him destroy himself AND me? I don't think so. Not anymore. I am tired of getting just the crumbs of his affection. I need more. I deserve more. I am important. I am a person with hopes, dreams, feelings, desires. I count. I am not what he says I am. I am a child of God. I am worth saving.
Becky, you make a lot of good points there. I married a man I thought was the best thing in the world for me (and I for him, etc.). I guess the truth is, we can never really be sure exactly who we are marrying even if we think we know them well. People change! All the time. I know I have, thanks to this program, for example.
Life is short. But it would be so easy for me to get involved with another man like the one I am married to, that is what my concern would be- take for example: there was this guy who I found attractive in a new al anon group I started going to. Sure enough: he opens his mouth and talks about how suicidal he is!!! Its like : OH FOR GODS SAKE JEAN, you just know how to intuit the most messed up man in the bunch, don't you??!! Its like radar...so I might as well deal with the one I have got right now. Or just accept that maybe I am better off alone for the rest of my life which is not that unappealing to me. I know I am a child of god but I also know I am pretty messed up myself and am not a total picnic to live with/be with.
Right now I am separated for almost 2 years and its been good to be so deeply single through that time. To really just focus on ME and through this program, really have an affair with my HP!! All the ancient teachings talk about god/HP as a lover and I am beginning to get this, relate to this devotional level of involvement with my HP. Its got to be my primary relationship anyway. Its my life force.
Happiness is an inside job. The only one who can get inside me, get in there with me, is HP. No mortal lover will ever come close. J.
Becky, although I am sorry that you came to write this post as a result of all those deaths that you have seen of late, I have to say you put into words what has been floating around my head for some time now and seeing it written down was really GOOD for ME as they made me stop and think more on them:
"I have been thinking lately how fleeting life is. How we obsess over trivial matters, while life is flying by."
You are so right we do obsess over trivial matters, while life is flying by and mine is going o so quickly now that it is quite scarey.
"I don't want to be on my deathbed, and think...gee....I wish I had gone out to coffee with Jane when she called. But, I was too busy worrying about..."
Yeah, what was I worrying about, I could have been living life and not letting it pass me by.
"I need more. I deserve more. I am important. I am a person with hopes, dreams, feelings, desires. I count. I am not what he says I am. I am a child of God. I am worth saving."
Yes and God only gives each and everyone of us one life here on Earth. What AM I GOING TO DO WITH mine, that is the question, waste it, or LIVE IT?
I think live it, to the best of my ability and by God's grace. Thank you Becky for this wonderful reminder.
HB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I was incredibly invested in the home the A and I had. I spent a lot of time working on the garden. I spent a lot of money (he spent nothing) on fixing the house up. I really super invesed in that if I made an effort I could make up for what he did not do. I really had my blinkers on. Leaving the house was wrenching for me. When I first came here 3 years ago I absolutely could not do it. I could not imagine giving up. In fact during that time I was giving up on myself. I was not investing in me and my needs. I was not taking care of me. I was so so so desperate.
One of my regrets and i really don't have many is not doing the things I wanted to do because my AHsober thought it was too expensive or too far or cheaper to watch it on Tv. He was so conservative when we made decisions but not when he wanted something like golf clubs.
Great points! We were meant to live for more. I really believe that about myself AND about all of you, too. We have gifts and qualities we should share with the world, if only we can take our eyes off the A-- and ask our HP what he wants from us and the power to carry it out. I used to think I was here to make my A be a better, happier person. That doesn't work. My AH has to do it himself. I can't "fix" anybody but me!! thank God for that!
jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
HB