The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For the entire year last year I lived with a gnawing feeling of wanting to be rescued. I really lived ate and slept this fantasy of meeting someone who would have a house, income, love, respect and recovery who would whisk me away from all my problems. I did not act on it as much as I wanted to and sat with it. I would dialogue with the craving about where that craving had got me in the past. I know the rescue issue was a huge part of why I ended up with the A. He seduced me with the idea that he was going to "help" me then when I was stuck there I could not get out without some notion that I had to be "rescued".
Over the Christmas holiday rather than sit and be a victim and feel sorry for myself I set out to make it an opportunity to have some kind of a holiday for myself whatever. That seemed to be the magic key to ending this craving. Lately I have been really focused on trying to make goals I can live with and attain rather than set myself up. I have noticed I am not sitting in the craving as much. Sure I'd still like to have the "rescue" but I know there would be "catch" to it. There was certainly a huge catch with the A. After he rescued me he started his demands which were never ending. Then I was caught in a "trap" with him of rescuing him and never being able to leave. I have cut my losses now but they are such huge incredible losses.
I am so glad to be out of the craving it was huge program for me not to act on it. I have acted on this all my life being in rescue or craving to be rescued and it has almost destroyed me. Focusing on myself and my goals has been so so key for me but it has also been incredibly difficult because I have never done this.
Every time we step into the unknown it is a difficult thing to do. Every time we find we do not sink it is a wonderful thing. Every time that we give it to our HP and not keep it to ourselves we are setting ourselves up for amazing things to be possible.
Leastways that is my experience.
Letting go and letting God, is a sure way of allowing right attitudes and right actions to be developed.
Maresie, I am so happy to hear for your progress here. Human rescue is not entirely without risk, and unless we are rescued by human beings who will do this unconditionally we are setting ourselves up for possible disappointment.
However, it is totally in keeping with our natures to want and even dream of a "knight in shining armour" to come to our rescue, though often we do not see that we can be our own "knight in shining armour" by simply changing our own mind sets and digging deep to seek the strengths within ourselves that have been given to us by our HP's.
I love to read your post Maresie, you have taught me so much and I see you growing in strength.
You may have a long way to go, but hey, each "mile" you travel on this journey of recovery is at least worth ten miles along that other journey that you were travelling before.
I am sending you courage to continue, just as I have when I was thousands and thousands of £'s in debt because of my A and forgery. I have cleared those debts, it took me years and was so difficult and so exhausting, but hey I did it by taking one step at a time, determined to clear them and leaning on my HP to up hold me when I felt too weak to do it in my own strength.
(((((hugs))))) Heartbroken
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Oh wow Maresie!!! You put words to it! That's exactly what I have done for so very long. I had that fantasy since I was a little girl! I just thought that is what life was about. My ex did a half-assed rescue fo me 13 years ago but he was better than the idiot I was with at the time.....better looking anyway. But, I have learned the very, very hard way that I have to rescue myself (with alot of help from my friends!) There is something very comforting about rescuing myself. Because I know I can and I will (with ALOT of help from my friends!!)
Maresie I have been pondering rescuing a lot lately. Its a good topic to really dig deeply into to see where its roots are, personally. Thanks for your post, its inspiring. J.
