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I have been stuffing the drama of last week (EXDIL, grandchild issue, anger) down as deep as I can and doing small things. Dealing with spouse who is sick is enough for anyone to handle without the drama of the -ism, the son, etc. Anyway, here is the first update since EXDIL changed the rules on me:
Today was the first Wednesday to visit for four hours rather than our usual daily couple of hours. I was permitted to pick the child up from school. When I went into his classroom to get him, he looked up and immediately began to yelp NO NO. First time ever he had done that to me. He put his little head down with lip trembling. I was stunned, but continued to chat with him and eventually he came with me. He would not talk to me in the car. He kept saying "not do that", "no talk", "don't kiss me"....and I kept trying to figure out why this behavior. By the time we got home, he was doing better.
Daddy arrived and we tried to play, visit, and enjoy the time. I had prepared a big family-style meal. When I asked the little one if he was ready for grace, he said NO NO...first time for that. He has always loved "saying grapes"...as he says.
My son cleaned up the kitchen while I gave child a bath and got him jammied up. By the time his mother arrived (and I had offered to take him home but she refused??), he was normal and ready to go home.
It was just a terrible time together for me. I am stuffing that emotion down as I write. It is amazing how an almost 3 year old can make you realize that normal routines are good for them. He obviously wasn't ready for anything different today. Now I don't know when I will see him again. Nothing said. And I am holding out for the two parents to work out weekends. Once again tonight I realize how much my physical condition has deterioriated with cancer and how sick my husband is right now. His problem is an 9 week infection of urinary tract and kidneys. He has turned to an old man in front of my eyes. Nothing the doctors have done have helped him yet, including a high tech procedure, lots of antibiotics, catheters, you name it. Between the two of us we have had enough medical intervention!! It gets awfully old. I am hoping and praying for both of us to just feel better. Maybe we could then handle the other life issues we are experiencing with our children. Thanks for listening.
I read your posts and feel your pain I know it well. I have been right where your are, and where your dil is at. I have thought about your posts and prayed for your situation. I am not a great writer but I am going to post some thoughts here in hopes that they will help.
I went through a divorce after 25 years of marriage and when I read about your dil, at times I think geez! that must have been what I acted like. I sure didn't know what I was doing. I was so full of pain. I was so tired of alcoholism. Just seemed I couldn't get tired of over reacting to any situation. Most of my over reaction brought more problems for me, it surely brought more problems than it solved. I didn't really think anything out. I just reacted. I hurt alot of people, mostly people I dearly loved. After a few years in alanon I can see the pain I caused. It took time and alot of work with my sponsor, and face to face meetings but I see it now. I am working at mending fences. That will take time too.
I use to tell myself to buck it up! That meant to stuff my feelings and move on. I might have fooled myself that it helped but those feelings were swirling all over the place in my head and heart,,One day I heard a slogan..Feel, Deal, Heal until I felt the pain and dealt with the pain I couldn't even begin to heal.
I had a laundry list of the things that family members had done to me. I kept that list close and I wanted them to change to suit me. I wanted my ex to quit using. I wanted him to make amends for the pain he had caused. I don't know what I wanted, and I don't know if he moved the world if that would be enough. I learned another slogan...Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I could change and maybe no one else in the family would ever change, but those little baby steps, changed my focus so I wasn't swimming in the mess of pain. My life got so much easier.
I don't know all the facts of your situation. I do know though, when I lowered my expectations and raised my gratitude, not only did my life get better, but my health got better too. You are so powerless over your dil. You are so powerless over this divorce. When I was in the middle of the mess my thoughts were so "if only..." "what if..." Those thoughts never changed a thing
You do have a wonderful innocent grandson who is getting caught up in it though. Enjoy the time you have with him. If it is 5 minutes enjoy it. Don't let it get lost in what you dil is doing or not doing. Give that grandson a wonderful loving peaceful 5 minutes. If you see him one day a week cherish it. Love him. Don't worry about the quanity...Give him the quality.
I had two young children, and worked. I needed help. I think your dil needs your help. Give her time to over react. Don't get caught up in reacting to it. My guess is she needs you more than you realise. Be there when she calms down and take the boy. Raise above her nonsense. Divorce is difficult.
Above all, run don't walk to the nearest face to face meeting...Grab some literature and read, read, read. I promise it will help you to detach from this situation. It will help u to understand, why people react to these situations like they do. Above all you will meet people that understand your pain. People who have been there, and can share their experiences with you, share some of their strength with you and pass some good old alanon hope to you.
This too shall pass. Omajoy, I know your pain. I have been there, I have 2 children that use. Alanon saved my life. My health is so much better since I started going. I have some great friends I met through alanon. Things are better. Not exactly the way I want them, but I can accept them the way they are. There is also a chatroom here, at the top of this page is a link. I sure got alot of help and love there too. Give something new a try, you just never know. Just don't give up, you sound like such a wonderful woman, I know u are worth it!
what a difficult time. I try super hard each day not to take things personally. I am the queen of taking everything way way way personally. I have to take a back seat on that and let go.
I do understand about the medical issues. I have had a lifetime of them. I know it is very very hard to keep going when you do not feel well.
Just sending you some hugs ((((((((Oma))))))))). This too shall pass. Hope you feel better.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
So, instead of stuffing your feelings, why not drag them out and take a good look at them? Who are you mad at, and why?
We have choices in how we look at our lives. We can be unhappy about what we do not have, or happy about what we do.
One thing I would like to set your mind at rest about, if I can. Your grandson's reaction at seeing you means very very little. I work with kids this age - it is far more likely that he was enjoying what he was doing, and didn't want to stop, than that it had anything to do with you or the fact that your routine has been changed. If it means anything at all, it likely mean that he loves you and was unhappy at the break in seeing you. This could have been his way of letting you know he was mad. If once a week becomes his new routine, he'll get used to it - lots of kids only see people they care for once a week. My kids grew up with daddy being gone for two weeks, and home for one. Birthdays and holidays were celebrated on the days he was home, not the 'real' days. Big deal.
You have a chance to be part of the child's life. You have time in between, without drama and little children, to deal with the very important issues of your husband's health and your own. You have a program of recovery. You'll be fine.
I can accept that the little guy was just involved yesterday and didn't want to be disturbed. But it was a first...he has always come running, laughing, and hugging. So of course it set me back
Found out today that the reason EXDIL didn't want us to drop child back to her (just around the block) was that the new man was there last night. My son had only "guessed" about this altho my husband and I have known that she is seeing someone new and he is staying at the house weekends and some nights. We do not tell tales or discuss this with son. But now he knows. OK....she is divorced. She has the "right" to do as she pleases. But it does make me upset (and my son is livid) that she is introducing a new man at home. Why can't women who are starting new relationships keep these men out of the home and see them elsewhere until they are truly serious or something? All my son has asked was that she be truthful with him when she started seeing others, that she NOT bring them home, and that his son not be involved. The latter, of course, is impossible, but he feels that way. In addition, there is alcohol in the home once more....the reason she divorced my son and now another guy and she drink in the home. Not saying excessively, but neither did my son!! But half-truths are truths, too, so the marriage ended because of alcohol according to EXDIL. So I do not understand???? Anyway, now everything is topsy turvy once more and I am backing off. My son says he cannot come to this neighborhood and see that vehicle in the drive and have his son taken back to the home where bought and once lived with another man. I understand his hurt. I just don't know what to say if anything.But if he doesn't he won't see his child. His only recourse is to take it legal. It would be really ugly, he could lose everything. He is not so out of control that he deserves any of what he is getting right now. Anyway, I know it is out of my control. With this new issue and news not so good about my husband today, life sucks. Big time. Why are we given so much all at one time?
Well - marriages end. Even among people who've never had a drink. In fact, among the people I know, it's the alcoholic couples who are still together!
Your anger at this woman is obvious. And understandable - if anyone hurt MY son that deeply, I'd be angry too. But, really - no one can see into another person's marriage, and say what they should or should not put up with. Reality is, this marriage is over. She's moving on. Your son probably should move on, but has to come to that in his own time.
Your part is to decide what you want, and then take the steps that are likely to get you there. Continuing to hold a grudge against your EXDIL is not helping you get what you want - an easy and pleasant relationship with the child.
Why not look around at all the divorced people you know, (and parents of divorced people) and see who has what you want. Study their attitudes, their actions, and see if there is anything you can learn. It's difficult to untangle two families that once were one, but people do it.
My experience is that I am given massive loads of stuff from the Universe in order to WAKE UP & STEP BACK, get humble, stop acting like I know what is best for everyone around me, stop trying to control everyone and everything, stop pointing fingers and blaming everyone and start taking a long hard look at myself, my needs and my issues, bring it all back HOME to me and where I am. Its basically time to shut-up. I am given a load of stuff in order to TURN TO MY HP and lean more and more into him, I am being given an engraved invitation to deepen my connection with him and take ALL that messed up energy I have been spinning up out there and hurl it at HP in order to LET GO. When I am dumped on, its time for me to take step one, AGAIN, gosh darn it!! When it keeps coming fast and deep, I know I cannot deal with it all alone, I need support and I need to get to meetings and get with my al-anon family. Best to you, J.
The reason I am and stay so upset....there is NO way to have a pleasant relationship with her. You don't know and can never know the entire story of how this all unfolded. I have treated her with dignity and respect and NO, I do not hate her. I am angry that she has used me as she has. She treats me pleasantly if distantly most of the time unless she gets really mad. Then she attacks with vengeance. The child is THEN used as her ace in the hole and we cannot have a relationship with the child. Once more this evening her new guy is at the house. Can't even go to the grocery without passing the house, so it is hard to avoid. This is why I have said I must sell this house and move. No one should have to be hurt daily as we are. Notice I said we have to pass the house whenever we go anywhere!! We are NOT snooping. Impossible to heal. When she needs something (money for childcare tuition, child taken to the doctor, sympathy when something happens she considers unfair at work, sympathy when something happens in her family, emergencies of any kind) I am the one who gets called. I never call her...never. I quit dialing her when she went strictly cell phone and dropped the house phone. She answers ONLY if she is in the mood; you almost always have to leave a voice mail. Then sometimes she will return a call but will act as if she couldn't hear most of what was left. So no, I doubt I will heal up enough to not 'hold a grudge" for awhile. I think the only way it is going to happen is if I move away and do not see the grandchild at all. I am currently writing him letters several times a week to be placed with my will; he will receive them along with his inheirtance when he is a fully grown adult. They are nice, truthful, not vindictive at all and not critical of his parents. They are simply my feelings for him since his birth and all hours I spent caring for him until I got cancer. I just don't want him to think when he is grown up that his grandpa and I gave up or abandoned him. We are slowly being edged out of his life by his mother. She is winning. And if we fight back, it will only be harmful to the child and to our son. So we sit and seethe and hurt. I have seen no role models among divorced families I know who could even come close to solving this situation of ours. And I guess I have said enough about this. It ain't going away and it certainly isn't going to get better.
