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My AH and I have not spoken in 11 days, except a couple of sentences about my car which needed repair. All he does is drink. However, after not talking or eating meals together or ANYTHING he did fix steaks for supper Sunday night. We didn't talk, and I didn't know he was fixing supper, but he did. I miss my husband so much. We haven't been "close" in over a month. Used to be daily, but once every month or two is the norm now. And I hate it. I hate no hugs, no kisses. All I have gotten the past couple of years is a grandma kiss. I hate it. I am so lonely for physical contact. I get hugs from friends, co-workers, family, but I want a MAN! I want my husband back. I was so sick and tired of sitting here in silence, I went out dancing again Saturday night. He kept sending me mean text messages. Telling me that wherever I was, I should just stay there. Saying he hated me, etc. Same old same old. I just talked to my old friend (male) who was there. We sat with a few other people, and danced, and acted silly. He doesn't drink more than a couple of beers all night. I asked the band to play Keith Urban, and they did....they played "You'll Think of Me", and my friend had actually been asked to dance by a girl who was sitting with us, and I about knocked her over, grabbed his arm, and said "This dance is for US!" with a smile. We danced, he held me in his arms, and I listened to the words I have heard from that song so often. I used to play it and cry and cry and cry. It felt kinda good to be held tight and close, and feel safe while the band sang. I asked him for a New Year's kiss, as I had not had one yet from anyone. My AH did not come home all night New Year's Eve. We have not talked since the Sat. before New Year's. He gave me a good one, and I liked it! I came home around 2, and AH was in bed, thank God. He never asks where I have been. Guess he doesn't care. My friend, J., has been a lifesaver for me. We used to see each other years ago, and were way more than friends. Now, I just see him as my friend, but it still feels good to be hugged and kissed, and told I look nice, and dance. I have felt like an old dried up old lady for so long, and I AM NOT! I have a life to live. And I'm going to live it, with my AH, or without. Even if we live in the same house, we have separate lives now, I guess. Maybe he can live without hugs, kisses, and dancing. Feeling joy. Having fun, acting silly, joking around. Being told you look nice, and smell good. But I cannot live without it. There is no attachment with my friend. We don't even know where each other lives anymore. We don't exchange phone numbers. But if we meet each other out, we have fun. I feel like I can breathe again when I am away from my AH. I am reminded that I am a woman, that I am a good person, that I am fun, pretty, smart. That I have friends, male and female. That I have not forgotten how to dance. It just makes me sad, because I feel like I no longer love my AH, that I am just tired of dealing with the disease. Tired of his anger, the blank look in his eyes. I was afraid this would happen, that I could only hold out for so long, then my feelings would change. I have lived with hatred and being ignored for 3 years now. I don't know if I can do it anymore. I don't think I want to. I am trying to get myself financially organized, and trying to focus on maybe someday living without him. The loss of love for my husband makes me feel very sad, because I had thought I loved him enough to conquer anything. I have a tattoo that says "Love conquers all" in latin. I was wrong about the meaning. Maybe it means that if I love MYSELF enough, I can do anything. I always thought it meant if I loved HIM enough, I could bridge the divide between us. Wrong.
Hi Becky I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Your story sounds so similar to the last few years of my marriage. Almost like living with a stranger. I remember the anger and the blank look in his eyes all too well. It's so hard to see someone you love so much disappear right before your eyes.
Please take care of yourself Love, Artygirl
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
I understand your need for affection ..and maybe I'm old school.. but just "what if" your husband decided to track you down one night and found you in the arms of this guy in a lip lock?
You might say he doesn't care, he would never get curious. ...You know the saying: Never Say Never? You may even think he deserves it. There's always the chance that an aquaintance of his is there and will report to him.
Weigh the consequences. I'm just concerned for you Wives have been killed for much less.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Not telling you what to do, dear, but christy does have a point. Please be very careful. Your AH sounds like a very angry person and A's are very good at decieving.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thanks for the replies. My AH is too busy getting drunk to look for me. His acquaintences are all over across the street getting drunk with him at their buddie's house. He does not have any friends who go to bars.....it is too expensive. They would much rather drink at home, it is more cost-effective. He also will not drive when he's drinking anymore. I am just trying to not be home much anymore. If I only went out of the house on Saturday nights, he would be suspicious, I'm sure. But I am always going here and there, getting home at various times. I hate being at home anymore. If he is there, he is sulking. If he is across the street drinking, I dread him even coming home, because I know how he will be. I am trying to detach. My method of detaching may seem weird or stupid, but it provides me with the relief I need. And I don't do it every Saturday. Sometimes I just go hang out with a friend at their house, or go to a movie. I am just doing everything I can to keep breathing. I do not know how much longer I can live in a loveless marriage. I had so much tried to hold on to my feelings for him. I imagine one of these days he is going to ask me "Well, what are WE going to do?" Meaning are we going to stay together or split up. I will probably say "I don't care." Because I don't. It has taken me a long time, many tears, so many heartaches to get to this point.Gallons and gallons of tears. And, I imagine, once I say I don't care, he will start to care. That is how it usually works. But I don't think I even want him to care anymore. And, seeing as how he doesn't even want to touch me or kiss me, and hasn't for some time, why he would care if someone else did. I am not doing what I am doing to make him jealous. I miss going out and listening to a band play. And I can't do that with him. I would love to have been able to go out with him and have fun. Even once in a while. But his idea of "fun" is sitting on his rear getting smashed. B--o-o-or-r-i-in-ng-g!!! We even have $55 in Applebee's gift cards from Christmas that we could use, but he doesn't even want to go out to eat. He works at a water treatment plant, and comes home in work clothes, stays in them all evening, with a stupid ball cap on his head. I am sick even of the way he looks. I am around men in work uniforms almost like his, all day. I would like to go home and see a guy in regular jeans and t-shirt. He never used to wear a ball cap, now he does all the time. I hate it. Sorry for the rant. It has been a long couple of weeks. Love in Recovery, Becky1
It seems to me that if you are going after something, may as well make it something you actually want.
You know some things - you know that the physical side of life is important to you. You also know that you are not getting it, and will not get it, in the marriage you are in. These are realities, and won't go away just for the wishing.
You might want to ask yourself if you can be happy with what you have right now - a marriage with whatever it gives you, and a certain amount of physical comfort outside the marriage. How does it make you feel? How does it make your friend feel - how aware is he of your circumstances? How fair is this to all the other people involved? If things stayed just as they are, right now, could you feel that you are now getting your needs met? Tehanswers to these questions, and others I am sure you can think of if you let yourself, tell you if this is a path you want to take.
When it comes to getting our needs met outside an alcoholic marriage, it can get complicated. I feel a need for companionship, and start having a regular lunch with a friend - that is a healthy way to deal with the reality. Instead of going to the hardware store for bread, I am accepting my A's limitations, and finding other ways to be happy. In theory, getting physical needs met should work the same way. And, if you are a certain type of person, it maybe could. However, if you are not, then you set yourself up for guilt, bitterness, unrealistic expectations of your friend - all kinds of messes.
As in every other dilemma that comes up - check your motiviations, don't lie to yourself, and keep your own side of the street clean.
((lin)))))))) Yes, my friend knows the situation. I am not the only woman he dances with at the club. I am not jealous, we are all just having a good time. I have known him for close to 30 years now, and he is NOT the kind of guy to have expectations of. He is fun, someone to talk to. And, yeah, maybe we are living in a fantasy land when we hug and smooch. But that is as far as I am willing to take it. It feels good, but that "spark" isn't there, you know. I guess I am afraid to get divorced, because I have been married before, and I don't want to ever do it again. And I am afraid if I really DO go out on my own, I will get way too lonely, and start looking for someone else. That is something I do NOT want to do. I know I have a long, long way to go. And a lot to learn. And, I guess I feel justified in being around my friend and having fun like we do with not concern for my AH, because I don't feel he has had any concern for my feelings for a long time. And his "mistress" (beer) has lived in our home and taken him away from me. I've often wished he had his lips on me as much as he has had them on that beer can or bottle! I feel like I have been cheated on. And I know two wrongs don't make a right. I just need some healing in my heart, some laughter, some attention, and my friend gives it to me. And I give it to him. As far as anything else, I don't think either one of us wants to take it to that level again. We've already been there, years ago. I'm done for now.
i can give you my ESH. I did not want to leave my ex boyfreind either. I met someone online. In the beginning he was a friend in recovery. Over time my feelings escalated. I could justify it all of course. I could also minimize it. He showed an interest in me the A didn't. I would talk to him daily and have a lot of feelings about him. In the end it ended. I have to say I felt even more devastated as result of this. I also felt guilt.The A was angry, jealos and resentful. He always was. I wanted a fantasy. I wanted out but I didn't know how to get out. I was lonely, so lonely iI ached. For a very short time I could buy into that I was "meeting" my needs. In fact I wasn't. I was off in some fantasy about them. I was wanting to be in denial. Oh I am in huge problems btu I am doing this to feel better. I could justify wanting to feel better. I even felt better for a short amount of time but then I felt even worse.
Gallons and gallons of tears.
That is how it usually works. But I don't think I even want him to care anymore. And, seeing as how he doesn't even want to touch me or kiss me, and hasn't for some time, why he would care if someone else did.