The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its my wedding anniversary today and I need your prayers and good thoughts. Its just so sad. My wedding day really was one of the happiest days of my life. It really was.
But its like I bought a ticket to Paris, France and ended up in Paris, TX. somehow. Or worse.
I know this is about my expectations again, always getting me into TROUBLE!!
This is what I have done/am doing to take care of myself:
I bought a membership at the Y yesterday as an anniversary present to myself. I am working consistently on making a new girl friend and its working out well so far. She invited me over for dinner and I am having her over on the weekend for dinner. I tried to make some dinner plans for tonight but no one is available so I am going to go to the movies. I work all day today. I have been in touch with my sister (who I get along great with) and talked with her about it and have a couple of al anon friends I know I can call on if I need to. I attended a meeting last night that was really really powerful and sooo nourishing. I have another al anon meeting tomorrow at noon, its usually a really good one too. I sent him a text message saying happy anniversary, no response, not expecting one, but just had to do it- I mailed him a card a week ago. No response, not expecting one but had to do it to keep my side of the street clean (principles above personalities).
He and I have been separated for almost 2 years now. I do not know if we will get divorced or not. We are rarely in touch.
It just hurts so damn much. I love him a lot. Damn I hate this disease.
I know that when it hurts so much like it does now, I am resisting acceptance. I am refusing to accept something like stomping on the brakes in my car! It hurts, it hurts and all I can do is beg HP to help me accept this reality which is that he is off doing whatever and I am here trying to make it through this day. The holidays were a picnic compared to this. thanks for listening. J.
Congratulations--sounds like you are doing a great job making this day about you and taking care of yourself.
I am separated too (for a little over 2 years) and it looks like we are heading to reconciliation, but I have had to grieve that old marriage. I was surprised at how hard that was to do. I had to look at it for what it was, not what I had hoped it would be, and try to put it in perspective and let it go. The new Al-Anon book--Transforming Our Losses--really helped me with that.
Reality is, if we do reconcile, it will be a brand new relationship because whether or not he has changed, I know that I have. If I am really honest with myself, we never really were married except on paper. We lived under the same roof and slept in the same bed, but we did not have a real partnership--the kind of unconditional love and support that I associate with marriage. I have come to believe that you can't have that kind of a relationship with an active A. I am still trying to figure out if it is possible with a recovering A.
I am sorry for the pain that you are going through today. Remember that it is "just for today" and that you are strong enough to sit with the emotion, accept it for what it is, and start over tomorrow.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
It's okay that you're hurting. It's good. See if there's a class tonight at the Y that you can go to that'll help get some of those feelings out. Then go to a movie. No one will care that you stink. Don't forget to call your sponsor.
(((((Jean)))))) Right there with ya, girl. Right there. I know it's a particularly hard day for you - but wow sounds like you're really taking care of you. Your list reads like a checklist of what to do in order to take care of oneself. Thinking of printing it out and sticking it on the fridge!!! lol Enjoy your movie - and celebrate your recovery tonight!!!
Great plan Jean. I know exactly where you are. My 34th anniversary was Dec 24. And as long as I am still married legally I am going to celebrate. I bought him a gift. He bought me one because last year he didn't. He doesn't call and is out there doing his thing. It has been 2 1/2 years. I still love him.I loved my life and regret that we don't have our family together.
I don't know about acceptance. I don't understand the disease. I get lots and lots of good advice from Alanon. I will go wherever my HP leads me. Continue to do those wonderful things that you have planned. I went cross country skiing yesterday with a new woman friend. MAny of us women seem to be in the same situation. And we are making it.
I know how hard this must be on you. You did really well working your program. I guess the only thing we can do is to take care of ourselves. You are a very good example of how to work the program. Well done. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
boy I can understand! It sounds as though you are learning how important you are, and how to love your self. give yourself lots of hugs from god and all of us...you deserve them! I am reading melody beaty- codep no more, really good book Dale
What an inspiration for me. I am so glad that you are taking care of yourself. Please stop beating yourself up. I really super super wrestled with acceptance too. I know for me it did not come overnight. I was a long long time getting there. I did not marry the A but the task of unentangling our stuff took about 6 months or more. I believe it would have taken longer but he destroyed the truck I bought and could not get back from him. He turned over our dogs to me.
i really super struggle with making new friends. I made one on the internet and vamoosh. I really do not put enough effort into it because I do not want to get my hopes up. I have a roommate in my house who I am close to but I really work overtime on not being too involved and not counting on her for too much because I can get so decimated by disappointment. I am incredibly loney. I was absolutely heart wrecked by the A and try super hard to be independent and not that over reliant on anyone nevertheless your post reminds me that I need to set up a goal of making new support for myself.
I'm sorry this is such a sad time for you. My last two were kind of like that. I did not know if they would be the last. For that matter I seriously wondered if I might be a widow before another came around.
Keep working the program. You are doing a good job taking care of you.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thank you everyone for your ESH and prayers. It all turned out A-OK. I worked all day and then went to the Y and had a session with a personal trainer, for free because of my new membership (it was really great and informative!). I started a new house sit this week so now I have a really lovely quiet (temporary) home to go back to at the end of the day. I can use the large and lovely and well-appointed kitchen (I rent a room where I cannot) and there is a hot tub and a beautiful view and lots of peace and quiet. So I decided to stay home and cook (first time in like a year since I cooked anything) myself a lovely nutritious simple dinner, sat in the hot tub, went to bed with a great book and fell asleep! No sadness at all. I was wistful some of the time but upon further reflection, our anniversary was always pretty sucky because he does not like to give gifts or do anything nice for anyone, least of all me. He did like to eat out so we probably would have done that but its nothing really personal or meaningful or sentimental. Not that I am into romance in a big way but there are wonderful things a person can do for another person to show them they care. He did these things in the beginning but as things progressed it all stopped. Then its my turn to ask myself why on earth would I expect anything different from that?
I would not have married an A if I had wanted a husband capable of expressing appreciation for me and our marriage.
He did send me a text message saying good night from his time zone. I chose not to respond. I was too relaxed in the hot tub out under the beautiful starry night! I think that serenity might be more possible with a hot tub in your life...it could become al-anon's new logo!
Thanks family- you really have been there for me. Hugs and love all around,
