The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My Husband got really drunk last night and was doing his normal yelling and name calling at my 16 year old son and myself.My son had enough of dads name calling and threw something at Dad.The object missed but dad felt that this was his ticket to hit back.He kicked and hit and pushed my son. Today my husband feels that he did nothing wrong.He hugged my son and all is well according to Dad.He doesnt think he needs help.I need help!!! What do I do?HELP any suggestions or words of wisdom out there. We have been married for 27 years.
Emotional, mental, and physical abuse are inexcusable in my books.
My almost 30 year old daughter, now an active addict/alcoholic, still bears the emotional scars from having a mother who didn't have the spine to stand up and leave the abusive alcoholic husband for 5 years.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
My suggestion would be to get to a face to face meeting. Start building yourself up. If you can use this crisis to get out of the way, then do so. Physical violence against a child is unacceptable. I won't tell you what to do, I do know how hard it is to just leave. But having been there and done that, I can tell you that the only reason I have made it thru is because of this program. Keep posting, gathering info, make a plan, use the resources that are out there (domestic violence hotlines have lots of info about what you can do next) and know you are right. Your A went too far and no amount of hugging or making nice erases what happened. It's a scar that will be there in your son's heart forever.
My ESH, take what you would like and leave the rest.
He may be 16, he may look and act like an adult but he is still a child. Take your child out of harms way, my friend and protect him to the best of your ability. My 18 year old niece looks and acts like such an adult but I must keep reminding myself DAILY that she is still only 18. I know this is incredibly hard but they are not adults yet at 16. They have got so few skills, they are really such children. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
Who is the adult? Who is NOT an adult? Your A is an adult. It does not matter what your son said or did. NO ADULT SHOULD EVER HIT A CHILD.
I'm sorry, I know this is hard. It is your job as a mother to protect your son, even from his father if necessary. Once that line has been crossed you can pretty much guarantee it will be crossed again. If I was standing watching my husband punch and kick my son I would have called 911 and let the chips fall where they may. My guess is he would land in jail for assaulting a minor and would be required to get an alcohol assessment and take some parenting classes which may benefit everyone. I always had a hard time with calling the police regarding my A although had he ever laid a hand on my kids other than a parental spanking I would have. I have gotten restraining orders against him based on his threatening words and in the state I came from originally they saw being an addict and leaving needles laying around the house as abuse. That kind of abuse should never be tolerated and I'm horrified that he doesn't think he has done anything wrong, does he even remember?
You need to protect your son and you and get out. He needs to be charged with child abuse and face the consequences of his actions. It will only get worse.
His father yells, your son reaches his limit and throws something.
At the end of the day, it is all down to the disease. The A has to take responsibility, but is too sick to do so and so thinks that his reaction is perfectly acceptable, just as he does not see the damage he is causing by his action in the first instance.
No amount of reasoning will make him see how unreasonable he is, and yet the damage is done.
Physical, mental and emotional abuse is not acceptable, but it all happens within this situation until someone steps outside of it.
This may be the first of a number of such incidents, and rarely if ever stops at one such incident. I made the mistake of allowing it to repeat itself because of my fear and so the damage increased. Eventurally I got to the stage that I could not go on with it and I had to get out because lives were at risk.
If only I had known then what I know now, I would have left the first time it happened, but I was convinced that I was causing it therefore the one that had change, meanwhile the situation worsened and more damage was done to everyone. Although there was not physical abuse shown to my children, the emotional abuse was there, and they were witness to the physical abuse that I endured. In all of this I missed the effect it was having on my children because I was focussed on the A and what I thought was my fault for causing this abuse. Now I see that it was not right to put up with any abuse, and any abuse is not acceptable for children to witness or endure.
Think long and hard about this and get the help that is available, I had no-one to turn to and no-one to ask, and there was not the resources of support and help that there is now. You are both being hurt and damaged, and that is not right.
Everyone deserves to be able to live in peace and harmony and not to be driven to the limit of their endurance, that means you AND YOUR SON. This is abusive behaviour, you as an adult must decide how much abuse you take, but you owe it to your son to protect him from any abuse, he is still a child and should not have to suffer abuse be it emotional or pyscological let alone physical abuse.
This is the thin end of the wedge. Stop it now, is what I feel is right before it gets any worse.
I will be praying for you tonight and hoping that wisdom is forthcoming so that you may take the right action for you and your son to enable your quality of life to improve.
((((Hugs to you and your son)))) HB
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I'm supposing that none of the above things were things you wanted to hear, but they are all correct. I think I would have also called 911 (as Carolinagirl said) and had your husband removed. Any time anyone is being abused by being hit and kicked you can bet the mental scars will remain for a very long time. A hug sure won't make it all better.
I have a 17 yr. old. I believe the abuser would have found a mad woman on his back pummeling the tar out of him. Then I'd call 911 :) (I was kiddingbut sure couldn't promise I wouldn't!)
The problem now is that your husband has gotten away with it with no consequences. It WILL happen again. The way I see it you pretty much have 3 choices and I do realize it's not always possible to just leave. I think it should be the abuser that leaves the home whenever possible anyway. 1. Get out 2. Wait until next time, call 911 and hope for the best. 3. Get to some meetings, make a back up plan that includes (a) an escape plan This includes having a bag packed and hidden, a spare set of keys and preplanned safe place to go.
Please do take action. Be safe Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
He is damn lucky your son dosen't charge him with assault. Parents don't have the right to abuse thier children . If you are not attending f2f meetings now please do for all of your sakes . U need support . Your son needs a program there is Alateen which is sponsored by Al-Anon . The kind of anger that your son showed in throwin something at his father should let u know he needs help . before someone really gets hurt. Our children deserve at least one sane parent . that is you and he looks to you for protection perhaps one day u will be strong enough to give him that . And I agree with the others it will happen again . good luck Louise
I agree with the others. I realize that leaving is not as simple as it sounds and may not even be the answer here, but something must be done. This will happen again. This is a progresive disease. Everything that is allowed to stand will escalate.
In your place I'm guessing I would be using Christy's 2nd and 3rd suggestions. I would be very careful about this and not let it slide. I would probably also find the A in a sober(?) moment and warn him that I do not accept that kind of behavior and if it EVER happens again the police will be called and he WILL be removed. And remind him that you may not be in control of charges being filed because a prosecutor can pursue it as it is child endangerment/abuse.
Anyway, I believe that is what I would do. Thankfully I never had to go there, though there was a time when I considered my options just in case.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
You got lots of feedback here, and it's all very well-meaning, but please remember that we aren't experts on here as to what you "should" do.... I think you can take from the responses that there are many here who care, and that the incident was significant.
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Very good, Tom. Sorry all, I definately don't mean to be "shoulding" on anybody. LOL We do need to be careful of loaded subjects like this, don't we?
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I can't really tell you what to do. I do know that I lost all my boundaries regularly with the A. He never felt sorry for what he did no matter how much I tried to guilt and confront him. I was in agony a lot of the time over what I should do. I do know that what I learned to do was not to argue with the A. That was incredibly sometimes impossible for me to do. One thing I have learned in Al anon is that when I feel least able to do something is actually when I need to do it. I know there are certain people today who I have to be super boundaried around because they provoke me. So I would suggest letting your emotions out elsewhere but not to the A. Fro whatever reason when they are in their disease they don't hear it. Getting all my rage, incomprehension, bewilderment, outrage out here helped me to contain it tremendously.
Living with an active A is tremendously difficult. Lots of boundaries get crossed. Lots of things happen all the time, its hard sometimes to have a vision of what a nuturing loving life can be. I can imagine your son may well need a place to go to with his own feelings. How about al ateen. That is a good program. Another option would be a counselor. I went to see a counselor for quite a few months last year. That helped. I really got a sense of wht my options were.
The main thing is not to beat yourself up, not be beset with shame and try to manage what comes up for you. This is a very very very difficult situation. Its not like tomorrow you will wake up and it will all be resolved. For some of us some things dont get resolved. The joy of al anon is that we do learn how to live even when the A is acting out all over the place.
