Breaks my heart! - Al-Anon Family Group

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

Breaks my heart!

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Now how can you make sane decisions on three hours of sleep in three nights? That's nuts! I think some sleep medication may be in order. I know this is so stressful right now and I know exactly what you mean about being painted as the one who is the bad guy. I tell my kids the truth no matter how nasty it is. My A had a girl he had been galavanting around with after I moved out and I didn't keep that a secret. They have also overheard me talking to other people about him and they usually find out what's going on that way. For example he's in jail now, and I was talking to someone about it on the phone and the 8 year old says he's in jail again? She knew I was talking about him. They all know he has a problem with alcohol/drugs, goes to jail, etc. My kids are probably not as naive as they should be or at least as I'd like them to be, but hopefully that will benefit them when they are older. Had it been me I would have marched right down with her and confronted him about stringing her along. Seems he's very good at that huh? That's not fair to her or you at all because it gives her false hope and it paints you in the light of the bad guy and I don't think that you have to accept that. He doesn't need to be painted as a saint, he's human and in all honesty he IS the bad guy in this.

I fully know what you mean about the lawyer but 450 an hour is highway robery! Here there are some for 175 an hour and I feel like saying how bout we just do a trade and I'll give you an hour for every hour you give me. I'll wash your dishes, watch your kids, etc. etc. Time exchange LOL. AS IF my time isn't worth as much as yours!!!!!

I like your boundaries that you've set. I think your idea of set times for visitation is great, I would make sure the kids know exactly when those times are and understand that it is up to him to be there those times. My guess is he will not like it and will test your resolve with that many times before falling into line. I bet he doesn't like to be "told" what to do. It really isn't fair to you to have to be the bad guy when he doesn't show up when he's supposed to. He is an adult and should know when they're bedtimes are and about school nights, etc. I wonder if this is just another manipulation to try to make you the meanie, that might actually be his agenda for showing up too late. I think I would add you don't come to my house past 8pm on a weeknight as a boundary to ensure that there will be no more disappointments since he is not the one who has to deal with the aftermath of the disappointments he causes.

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

AWSOME Lou!!!!!!! Now what else do you want/not want? Start making the list right now while you are angry. You don't have to give it to him, but keep it to remind yourself that what you are asking for today is reasonable (and then pull out the list of EVERYTHING you want and see that today's requests are VERY reasonable!) Look at you taking care of yourself and your kids!!!! None of this means you don't love him. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. None of this means that tomarrow everything just might be different. This just means that you are no longer willing to yanked around by his manipulations and your emotions! It is AWSOME!!!

Call legal aid. They might be able to refer you to a more reasonable atty. Or consider taking the first steps yourself. They will tell you how to file and you can do it yourself. Or there are lawyers who will just bill him. There are lawyers who will be willing to work with your situation. Pull no punches. This is hard and emotional and one of the messiest things I have ever been thru. But the peace, the growth, the knowledge that my children are no longer being emotionally abused by the whims of an A is worth everything.

At 10, I would say that your D is old enough to take daddy off the pedastal. For her own good. Talk to your threapist, but I know at 10, shoot, I was 8 telling my mother to sh** or get off the pot. It made NO sense to me that my parents were still married (long story). What he is doing is called parential alienation. It can be used against him in court. Google it.

I am so sorry that you are going thru this. I am just so very proud of you for finding your voice! For standing up for your children (I know you have all along, this is different). Keep using this anger, check your motives, remember that you no longer desire to be abused, you need something better. Better is right inside of you. Imagine never having to feel that bad ever again! Keep on Lou!!!

P.S. I agree with CG that a sleep aid might be helpful. I used melatonin for awhile...non-addictive. But Ambien is what works for me these days. It is amazing what a solid 7 hours does for my mental stability!

Leetle · Senior Member

(((((((((((Lou))))))))), sending you my support. I think the action you took is for the best interest of your children, really for everyone. Even if divorce is not decided at this point, the appointments for a separation alone will help the dialogue for everyone involved! Really, I applaud you, truly. This is a wonderful example to me of how working an alanon program can work.

I have been a daddy's girl all my life. I am told from infancy. My parents went through a divorce when I was a couple years older than your daughter, albeit under different circumstances. My mother was unfaithful. It took me a long time to get over my anger towards my mother (which I was extremely outspoken with for years). At a certain point, I got tired of being so angry. I was really good at taking her inventory, maybe if we had gone to family counseling, I would have been able to get over it faster, focus on the good and also figure out what I needed. I was offered counseling by my mother, but it was just for me, the loud mouth reactor-problem child, not for the family to help us all deal with what was happening to our family. I always rejected the offer, because at that age, it made me very defensive.

I think you are doing a wonderful job. You are living your life by example, not hollow words. I love that you didn't run down and confront him, but figured out what you needed and what was in the best interest of your family and then took appropriate action.

Sending you my good wishes and support,
Leetle

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Can you network with others about getting an attorney. There are attorneys sure who charge $450 an hour. They generally are those for the contested child custody cases. A regular divorce should be able to be less. Certain states have a bar association and they can refer you to a divorce attorney who can help you. I once divorced using one of them. She was pretty good. I paid her a retainer and we never went past that. I think its worth investigating. Even if he gets an attorney you may want to have one to protect you and your interests.

I have to work super hard not to be reactive around any one with an addiction. They are very very provocative.

Maresie.

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Lou)))))

I have to agree with CG and Seren. More sleep is probably your #1 issue to start with.

Also I agree with Seren that at 10, your dd is old enough to start understanding some hard truths. Her Dad is a full grown adult and does not need a protecter, esp a 10 yo child. She has no business in this position. Her Dad is manipulating her, and she is old enough to start learning how to identify the tactics. Manipulators seldom speak clearly, they usually talk around a subject. This seems to teach a child to make assumptions that they can get their hopes up for and sets them up to be hurt and disapointed. My 7 yo son and I have had many talks about manipulation and how it is dishonest and harmful. He now realizes that his Dad is sick and this is part of the symptoms of Aism, like coughing when you have a cold. It does not mean that Dad is bad or that he doesn't love him. It means he is sick.

Your marriage is not her business. It really sounds to me like she is way too involved with the details of your private relationship with your AH. Whether you divorce or not she needs to understand that she will be fine. Life will go on and it doesn't have to wait for him to decide.

I know this sounds harsh and I know how important the parental relationship is for kids. But in the real world most kids do not come from "perfect" families. That is a fantasy. Kids really do understand these things. I have been totally honest with my son and have been amazed at how he adjusts in a healthy and productive way. He has even recently identified a character defect that he decided to work at changing. He did this completely on his own just by seeing our example. I was shocked to say the least.

I don't feel like I would be doing my kids any favors by sheltering them from many of the realities of our situation. I don't want them to think these behaviors are normal or acceptable. I want them to understand that we are all responsible for our own lives, character qualities, actions, etc, and that we have the power to change what we don't like about ourselves. I don't want them to think their happiness depends on someone else like I did, or that they can control someone elses happiness. I wish someone would have set me down as a child and explained to me that I can be happy regardless of what anyone else in my life does.

I hope this doesn't come off too harsh. It is only my opinion. Take what you like. Hope it makes sense and it helps.

In recovery,

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jen your post should be put up in lights on billboards on highways all over the world or permanently imbedded into the brains of every living human being for the rest of eternity.

Great post.

I had this kind of relationship with my own father- protecting him, loving him when no else did, adoring him, sticking up for him and he completely manipulated me into it and the whole toxic family dynamic supported it- he was the adult and I was the child but to look at it on the outside we were equal "friends" even though I was like 8 years old. This is only a few steps away from a typical sexual abuse situation when you look exclusively at the power dynamics in play. It was sick, sick, sick. No child should have to be in the role of an adult to an adult. Children simply do not have the abilities to deal with that level of responsibility or complexity. Its got all the ingredients for so many problems later in life and in her relationship to men in the future. It really messed me up, let me tell you. I had both parents who were immature as hell. My sister and I were more adult-like than either one of them. We took care of them 95% of the time- especially emotionally. This is really unhealthy.

Your AH will never be able to understand his role in this unless he gets a ton of help. You are the only adult in this situation (sound familiar everyone??!! its pretty lonely, isn't it??!!). hugs, J.

maz · Newbie

my middle daughter is a daddys girl too. she is 9. i try not to bad mouth him when he is drinking but i let her vent cry etc. i constantly tell her that daddy is sick not bad even tho i want to kill him for his behaviour. half of what she is comes from him so i dont want her to think half of her is bad.
you sound as tho you are ready to make positive changes in your life. good luck with them you deserve a good life. hope all goes well for you. maz xxx

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