The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If Mr. A. is a social drinker and after a night of drinking he hits Mr. B's parked car, it would be right to blame Mr. A. for that wrong action (hitting the car) because it could very well result in Mr. A. changing his behavior (because Mr. A is a social drinker, he could stop drinking solely because of the consequences of his behavior while drinking). However, if Mr. C., who is an alcoholic, hit Mr Bs car while drunk, it would be wrong to blame Mr. C because blaming him could not result in changing his behavior. Thus, blaming the alcoholic is immoral in itself from a utilitarian point of view, particularly because blaming the alcoholic can have harmful consequences, namely causing increased anxiety in the alcoholic which causes an increase in drinking. The most frequent blamers of alcoholics are co-alcoholics. It appears co-alcoholics should not be held morally responsible for blaming alcoholics for their actions, because the co-alcoholics' act of blaming is a symptom of their issues related to being affected by the alcoholic's drinking. The co-alcoholic cannot not blame the alcoholic, until he or she understands the disease of alcoholism, and develops other skills beyond blaming for coping with the alcoholic. These skills can be developed through treatment and using the principles of Alanon.
I hope I am getting this quote right, I wish I could remember which one of our Men says it " They're either going to drink or not. What are you going to do?" So, I have never met a Mr.A in my life. I don't know if I believe in social drinkers. I think they are like unicorns. I think it would be fully right to hold Mr.C responsible for his actions, drunk or not. Blame is such a touchy subject for me. Nothing is my fault, everything is my responsibility. Still trying to wrap my mind around that one!
And no, understanding, to the best of my ability does nothing to erase the hurt and anger. Might lessen my confusion a bit but facts don't necessairly make sense to my emotions. Nothing but time and this program will take away my pain. Comming here and venting, going to a f2f and getting hugs, praying and living in the moment to the very best of my ability is what is helping.
My suggestion would be for Mr.B to not park his car near the bar! See, it's all the non-alcoholic's fault!!!LOL!!
Definately Mr B's fault. What's the matter with him parking it there anyway? What was he thinking? LOL ;)
Seriously though, blaming probably won't help, but it WILL NOT cause the A to drink more. The disease does that and if they were gonna need a reason to drink more they would find one.
Understanding does eventually take away some of the hurt, though.(I did say EVENTUALLY) When we really do start to understand this disease, we realise that its just not about us most of the time. The A just doesn't have the ability to take us into account. When we finally understand that the A is truely locked into a life or death struggle, then we can start to take ourselves out of the equation. That's when the drama stops affecting us so much. We eventually (there's that word again) learn that we don't have to allow ourselves to be hurt by most of what the A says or does.
I hope that makes sense cause its late and I'm pretty tired.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
