The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes I have really strong "how did I get this serenity?" days. Those days are such gifts. Today is not one of them. I have been writing and writing and soul-searching and soul-searching, and reading so many posts on this board...... just trying to understand my "stuff".
I've loved my A forever. I know enough about myself to know pretty much WHY I love him like I did/do. I kinda understand it. I've also arrived at a place in my life where I am finally realizing that he's no good for my life. His behavior is no good for my life. He's a good human being - but the a-ism has changed his world, and his forseeable future.
I'm not a person who easily turns her back on a friend. And he was a friend to me when I needed him the most. My counselor picked right up on that and realized that I'm having trouble because he (the A) was there for me when I needed him, and I'm unable to help him when he needs help. Yes...so true. That's not ALL of the attachment, but there's the root of it.
My HP did me a WONDERFUL favor by having my A create a distance (both geographically and emotionally) between us. It was a distance that I couldn't have created - and wouldn't have created. And it was a distance that NEEDED to be created. My A told me that he couldn't be in a relationship because he needed to take care of himself and his program (following his last slip). I needed to take care of myself and my program, but was in too deep to see it. And if I would have seen it, I would have resisted it, because I know I would have felt guilty/sad for abandoning him.
Now logically I know that it's all silly, because he's OBVIOUSLY not wringing his hands with guilt over "abandoning" me. Right? He's not worrying about how I'm coping or if I'm okay now. Right?
I've known this man for years and have seen him change from nurturing, warm, loving man - to a man who is still warm, but who is unable to reach out and really empathize with another person. Very narcissistic. The alcohol has taken something away from him. Or the hard life he's had to lead has taken it from him. Regardless........it's gone.....and ultimately this disease is to blame.
So here I am.....wondering what to do with all of this "stuff". The question keeps coming to me........do I try to "overcome" the love that I feel for him; or do I simply accept that I'll probably always care about this person - but learn to let go of him.
I think the path of least resistance (at least for me) is to simply accept that these are my feelings, and work on letting him go (detaching). As hard as that is.....it seems to make more sense to me. I've been fighting and fighting and fighting these feelings - just trying to make them go away - and the reality is......I feel what I feel. And all of the logic in the world is not eroding those feelings.
I've read enough posts here to know that I'm not the first to deal with loving an A in this way. Just wondering which is better for me......trying to overcome the love - or simply accept that I'll always care about him and just work on detaching?
Sorry this was so long.....thanks for hanging in there with me.
I know exactly where you are. My AHsober left. He says he doesn't love me and maybe never did. I do love him very much and for a very long time. I try to "unlove" him because why would you love someone who has left and doesn't love you? I know that I am a co-addict in that was the in part the nature of the disease.
So I have struggled with this love of my AHsober. But I think I can love him from afar if that is what my HP has in the plan. I think detachment is a good strategy. You are right, our A's have changed because of the disease. And guaranteed my A isn't worried about leaving me. He is feeding his disease and the disease doesn't care about our life together.
Sweetie, the way I did it, was knowing that the man I love and loved is dead. He is no longer in that A ridden body.
I love him, I am thankful for the time I had with him. So I tuck that love away, and I am open to a new relationship now.
It took me awhile to get here.
Your share was so eloquent. I can see how you care for your A, however you know you want to let go.
I don't believe when we really love someone we can stop. For me it is like loving my kids or gpa or my animals. It is always there. Does not mean I have to act on it.
I know I can love another,and hold my A in his place in my heart.
I think detachment comes first. With detachment you can get a bit of serenity which leads to being able to make sound decisions. Next for me was acceptance. Of course we love them. Of course they cannot love us even if they do. Their partner is their disease until they get a strong enough program to be able to start sharing themselves with someone else. I think some may never.
But loving them is more than just loving them. It's loving all that that means to us. We have dreams and expectations about how our life should be/should have been with them. Our hopes and dreams for our lives are rapped up with our love for them. So accepting the loss of our loved one is very raw. It is a big gaping hole in our fantasy that we can no longer ignore or overlook. It means accepting what addiction is and what it means to our lives. And it means accepting them for who they are and us for who we are.
As for overcoming love. I don't think that's possible. Love is an emotion. It doesn't have to rule your life, but I don't think you can stop it any more than you can stop any other emotion. We just learn how to detach, and hopefully learn how to separate the pain from the love. I think that's what the acceptance/grief process does for us.
So for both of you, I hope that eventually the pain will disipate and allow the love to evolve into a warm twilight glow that you can use to remember the few good times.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
round3...OMG! {"The path of least resistance" } paragraph you wrote was sooooo moving for me emotionally! I mean...you are exactly right!!! You are not the only one feeling the way you do about the man you love and the disease that has done so much damage between two human beings!! I left my "AH" one year ago Jan. 3...and we are 3 hours and another state apart...but still fight and argue over the telephone over the issues of his drinking! He absolutley refuses to see HIS PART in this break-up of our marriage! I'm a "chicken"...I don't have any "stability" about me, he says...I'm a "runner"...I forgot the lines in our vows, "For better or worse"...when times get hard I "jump overboard"...I've heard it all about ME!!! I have yet to hear after one year from HIM>>>"I'm sorry, that I have this drinking problem...and I'd like to try and do something about it becuz I love you that much"! NOPE! NOT ONCE! And I drive myself crazy day in...and day out...as hard as I try NOT TO...dumb a** me...wonder...why in God's name do I STILL EVEN want to talk to this man? Period? Ever? I'm sick in my own way with the disease too, and that makes me soooooo mad at myself! How did, or how could, I ever let myself get into that predictament? Well...as far as I have come...I see I have a long way to get well myself! And so...I'm thinking I need to really work extra hard on filing for the divorce, and soon! And I'm praying for the "closure" that hopefully comes with it, so I can move on...once and for all!!! I appreciate you posting your feelings round3! God bless you bringing out mine! <LOL> Take care of yourself! Hugs, Korinne
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Today, I am grateful to be on the path of dealing with my life and continuing to grow truly stronger.
I think for me it is accepting, not overcoming. Although in the beginning, keeping hold of all those nasty things he had done over the years really helped me to detach they also led to serious resentments. One night I allowed him to come over and he stayed the night and something snapped inside me and that was it. All the anger and resentment was gone. I looked at him and saw a sad sick man and thought this may be the last time I see him alive. We have always been very open with eachother and he told me about sleeping with women for a place to stay and I just couldn't let that go. I couldn't see him the same anymore. All I could think was manwhore!! LOL like something from deuce biggelow. I genuinely felt sorry for him and pitied him. The anger was gone and I just thought what a sad little man. Well he's 6'2" and about 210 but all I could see was a shriveled up little shadow of a man. After that it was never the same for me again. I don't really have any resentment toward him now. I loved him with everything I had and then some and it was extremely hard for me to let go of the dream but it IS possible. I realized that I was the one who needed to change, I was the one who needed to step up and provide the extra money, I am the one who is fully responsible for three kids alone, I am the one who has to let go and forgive or the resentment will eat me alive like a piranha from the inside out. It took me a long time to change my thinking from this is all his fault to it's my fault for expecting him to be what I wanted to be and basing my life around those expectations. For me that is what helped move to acceptance. I can love him from a distance and eventually that distance will grow and the love will fade. It is inevitable. doesn't mean that I don't have feelings for him, it just means that I know I can't go there anymore.
wow this is such a relevant string of posts for me right now. thank you everyone- its never ceases to amaze me what a brilliant bunch we all are when we get our heads and hearts together. Its so nourishing and inspiring to me. J.
Many thanks to this wonderful bunch for giving me such comfort and hope. I'm slowly finding my way down this dark new path. Seems I sometimes wander way off and just need to "hear your voices" to guide me back to the path. Thanks for being there.
