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Alot of stuff has happened in the last two weeks with AH. It has gotten to the point that I just can handle it anymore. He gave excuse after excuse why he drinks. Finally i told him that he had to choose bewteen his family or the alcohol. I gave him time to think about this. I told him that he if chooses to be with his family and i see him drinking any alcohol, icluding beer, the kids and I were leaving. I left for a few hours and transfered enough money into a private account i have to retain an atty. He eventually told me that he was quitting. THat's it, just like that he's quitting. I offered to go to AA with him, but he says he doesn't need it. I told him that I am going to an al anon meeting on Friday b/c I can't do it on my own.
I wish I could be jumping up and down with sheer excitement b/c he said he's quitting. I have very high doubts. I assure you that if he starts drinking again, i am outta here!
The sad part is, and I hope you all don't think I am an awful person, I am hoping he does drink b/c deep down I am very unhappy. I don't want to worry day to day if he is going to start drinking again. I want him to screw up so I have an excuse to pack up and leave. Sad, itsn't it?
I am going to my first f2f on friday. I am nervous and anxious at the same time.
I can relate very well. When I left our home and filed for a divorce, my husband went into rehab about 3 weeks later. He has been sober and working a program ever since Aug. '07.
Now, initially I was 'secretly' upset that he was doing so well because I thought I didn't have an excuse to stay separated. But then I realized that if I don't want to return, I don't have to. He can become King of AA, go on Oprah and earn a presidential award for his sobriety, AND I can still stay separated and/or pursue the divorce if that is my choice.
It sounds as though you want to leave, but since he isn't drinking (or so he says) then you 'have to' stay. Did I understand that correctly? I'm not indirectly encouraging you to leave; truly, I'm not. I'm encouraging you to do what you need to do for yourself.
I'm so glad you are choosing to reach out for help. You are right that you can't do this alone. You need support. You have made a drastic decision and I understand your reservations. It is not a good sign that he says he doesn't need AA. This type of ultimatum may only cause him to make a bigger effort to hide his drinking, or switch to another type of drug.
Just know that we are here for you, and you are not alone. I know you are so unhappy right now, but you will find ways to change that whether he gets better or not.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Stormie makes a good point, too. My earlier reply to another post a few minutes ago has a bit of my story you may want to read about my current separation from my A.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
"It sounds as though you want to leave, but since he isn't drinking (or so he says) then you 'have to' stay. Did I understand that correctly?"
Yes, Stormie, that is correct. I mean I got what I fianlly wanted, right? I got him to quit. What kind of wife would I be if I left now? I have to be a good wife and support him.
I just wish I can wake up one morning and feel happy.
I do understand your position and current way of thinking. I do hope you never understand mine. For if you ever do, that will mean that your husband has begun to drink again.
I hope things work out for you and your family. Take Care, Stormie
desperate for help wrote:I mean I got what I fianlly wanted, right? I got him to quit. What kind of wife would I be if I left now?
Except you must be thinking that he's not going to succeed at this "cold-turkey, no help needed" approach. And you're just waiting for the hell to start up again, so it's hard to feel like you can return to your marriage and resume planning things together, etc. It's like being in a holding pattern. Maybe if you had some iron-clad "guarantee" that the addiction was over (like becoming "King of AA" or going on Oprah to accept the presidential award for sobriety.....lol - I LOVED that), then it would be easier to get your head right and get on with planning a future with this man. Or at least put forth the effort necessary to mend the damage that alcohol has already done to your marriage. But we all know there are no guarantees. ESPECIALLY when dealing with an A.
It's easy for them to talk the talk. But we know how difficult it is to walk the walk. Trust your gut on this one. You need to decide - independent of what he does or says he's going to do - what YOU want to do. This is YOUR life.
One day at a time, Hon. You have been the best wife you knew how to be at the expense of yourself, but sacrificing yourself on the altar of this disease is not a prerequisite for being a good wife. You cannot force him to get sober. If ultimatums are made in the spirit of manipulating they usually do not work anyway, but take heart in that most of us have tried. Keep coming back here and reaching out for help. Our attitudes are badly skewed by having lived with this chaos for so long. It got better for me as I really learned to immerse myself in this program and detach from him.
It has taken me a long time to find some semblence of happiness again. I was so shut down that I couldn't take pleasure in much of anything for a long time, I was usually either miserable or just numb. My happiness is not dependent on him anymore. I am learning how to enjoy life again regardless of what he says or does.
This is a process of recovery for all of us. It takes time, but it can get better if we learn to work on ourselves first.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I love coming here for this exact reason, every single one of you know exactly what i am going thru. And ROund 3 is right...I do feel like I am in a holding pattern. I am holding my breath every moment waiting to see what he's going to do. I know it's just a matter of time before he starts up again. He will let some time pass, he will think everything is just peachy, he will think that i forgot about everything and it will start up again. I don't deserve this life. I know God has a reason why I am going thru this. I can't wait to meet him someday and ask him why I was put thru this test.
Your story reminds me EXACTLY of one of the many "ah ha" moments of my recovery... I was at my wife's Treatment Center, and a counsellor asked me if there was anything else on my mind..... I responded "yes, a part of me almost WANTS her to drink again, so I can leave with the kids, and have a clear conscience in doing so".....
Now, I thought I was doing pretty well, and believed that I had moved beyond the self-pity stage, but I gotta tell you.... I was expecting some kind of "poor Tom, it must be tough" response from the counselor..... Instead, he replied:
"Of course you do... that way you can continue to blame her drinking for everything that is wrong with your life, and NOT take responsibility for anything!"
Well..... I was aghast.... how dare he be......... so 100% right!!! lol
It's a process, and no - you're not a mean person for thinking those things..... I think many/most of us have thought exactly the same things..... We've also planned/contemplated our A's demise, either in general terms, or sometimes in intricate detail, lol.
Take care of you.... you're doing well and moving forward.... that's all we can really ask....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
This is why we need alanon - imagine getting to a place in your life where whether of not he sobers up is not the determinor of your happiness...... It can be done, there is such a place.
I know it seems like you have done a wonderful thing but having him say that he is going to be sober because I have gone through that. I had him make promises, enter PC 1000 drug classes (well that was b/c he was arrested and found guilty of possession) and most recently gone to three weeks of a 45 day out patient rehab (he quit though). There has been begging on my behalf and ultimatums and PLENTY of tears. If my tears were raindrops, California would be no longer be worried about droughts. : ) AH was arrested for meth and he's been off that, no dirty urine tests with his PO. But then he was drinking up a storm. When I found out about his hidden liquor, those went away and the prescription medication came around. The real problem was not necessarily the substance he abuses but the fact that he is an addict. The disease is the problem.
I went to my first f2f and that really helped me and this message board and chat room has been an abundance of valuable information, experience, and support. Getting help and seeking people who really know the disease really helps. For me, for the longest time I felt like I could control what he was doing and get him to stop but I've come to realize that he is always going to be sick and he is the one that needs to get help if it is going to work. It's like cancer where if it goes ignored or untreated, it will grow and most likely kill the person. . . or if it is caught too late and it has really buried itself deep in and throughout the body, it is more difficult to eradicate.
Recently,my AH left. After the threats of leaving me and me leaving him. After I questioned what I did wrong and beat myself up about it. We've talked several times since Saturday and he desperately wants to come home but I've told him about how I need to heal. I don't feel like a bad wife or a failure but I had to try something new. He is staying with his cousin and we are talking about going to a therapist that specializes in addiction and seeing where our lives will go from there. It is a strange thing, not knowing where my life is going but I am determined to get better, be stronger, and be happy again. With or without him.
I hope you some of that rambling help and I will pray for you.
I remember thinking "next time he uses i am out of here." And then it would happen, he would use and I would leave but then he would get sober again and I would go back. I was so connected to what HE was doing, what it LOOKED like to others that I didn't even stop to consider what I wanted. I was so confused all the time. I let his life dictate what I was going to do with mine. Then I started comming to alanon and I heard that I had choices. So, I started thinking about my choices. What I wanted. I finally came to a point where he relapsed and I was done. I knew it was over. Up to that point, I wasn't positive what I would do if he relapsed AGAIN. I had given up the "if he goes out, I'm done" thinking because I couldn't stay gone. I didn't want to give myself any more ultimatums, because they don't work. I took it one day at a time. When it was over for me, it was over. Still hurts, I still miss the dream, and it is harder than I ever thought it would be but, I am doing it. And I am happier, more peaceful and a much better mom. There is a "Family" member who always says "They either going to drink or not. What are YOU going to do?"
Ultimatums rarley work , so I wish u luck u are going to a meeting and that is a good thing . the first thing u will hear is that u cannot control another person . The only person u have any control over is you and your attitude. Please try our program for a few m onths before u make any life altering decissions and see how u feel then , you may find as Idid that I could live with active alcoholism and be happy . I did not want to leave my marriage either. Get to as many meetings as u can in the next few weeks , read the literature do what it says to the best of your ability , ( you have nothing to loose ) and alot to gain . Are you being mean ?? no your desperate and looking for change . It only takes one person to create change and for now that has to be you .
You are where I was 4 months ago - exact same story except substitute prescription drugs for alcohol. I was ready to walk out then and there. i had enough. I gave AH an ultimatum, he quit the drugs - white knuckling it, no AA, no treatment program. i hit my own low when i was doling out his meds and hiding them only to have him find them anyway. I gave him 6 months. Meanwhile, I began counseling with a specialist in spouses of addicts. I joined this group about 2 months ago. the depression is gone. the anxiety about all the what ifs is at bay. he has always been a drinker, so naturally he's drinking again. He is also on amphetamines for his adhd. as someone pointed out earlier, without treating the addiction, addicts just keep substituting one for the other. This has been the worst year of my 31 year life, but mind you I have thanked God. He does talk to us, and when things spiral out of control it is time to listen and figure out what isn't working. I am glad I have given him the 6 months. If I left then, I really believe that he would have charmed me right back and our relationship would have been exactly as it was. I have been reaching out to friends. Most of them were shocked as we had a relationship to be envious of, but it wasn't real.I didn't realize that I was just as sick. All of this has forced me to focus on me and my kids. It has affected the entire family. Again, I didn't realize this. Sometimes God has to jump up and down and scream at us, because I know that in my case I had not been listening to my gut and those little voices telling me that things are not okay, that this is much bigger than i can control. and it is not my job to control it. i also figured if i didn't do the work to fix me i would be in the exact same situation if not with him, with someone else. take it one day at a time. what can you do for you today?
wow, so many good responses. I remember the ultimatum days. If you drink again, I'm leaving and taking the kids.... If you drink again you're leaving... And then it would happen and I'd stay or he wouldn't go. He was a binge drinker/user and functional, he could keep a job for a good long time and made good money. He could be a funny and fun guy a lot of times but even more he could be moody and mean to me and the kids. I remember even after that final straw when I DID move out having a really hard time not thinking in terms of "us" and "our" future. Now I don't see him as a part of my future at all. I have to agree with debilyn here that it is inevitable that he will do it again. Even if he doesn't the behaviors that we hate so much don't go away just because they stop drinking. I remember thinking it would all be better if he would just quit. I wonder sometimes how many times he drank/used that I didn't know about. I have plenty of bad memories, plenty of good but the looming thought of him using again was too unbearable. He was getting worse. I didn't trust him AT all and I thought what kind of marriage is it where you don't trust your partner? Even for the most basic support, showing up at home after work, not spending a bunch of money, being nice to the kids, etc. I know I deserve more than that and I can't live with someone who treats me and my children bad. So here I am. I don't think you need an excuse to leave if you want to leave. There are plenty of people who leave for a whole lot less than the load of crap we put up with!!! I certainly don't think you're mean. Good for you by moving the money, I took all the money when I left EVERY DIME! Does that make me mean? I took the kids too, seemed fair to me.
you are not mean. You are living a life that is unmanageable and you are doing what you think is right. When someone lies and manipulates you to keep the addiction going, it is more than any person can handle. please realize you cannot cause, control or cure his disease-- your threat may cause a temporary halt to intake, but without a program, eventually the disease will take over. No matter how much we love them- or even how much he says he loves you or the kids-- He is an addict and will use without help-- which he must be ready and willing to embrace. face to face will help you. learn what you need and want in your life. learn to act rather than react to life. (I am still learning all of this too- we are miracles in progress-not perfection!) Jeanne
-- Edited by gknee at 16:49, 2008-01-09
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Thank you all again. I get the warm fuzzies inside with all the support I get here. You are such an inspiration to me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
I can give you my ESH. For me the ultimatums were the on the way to realising it was unmanageable. I was deeply committed to him. These days I think it was from his utter conviction that his expectations be met. The other issue was his mercurial moods which were up and down and all over the plack. Talk about bonding. The whole focus has to be on him. Of course he projected it was all me that was the issue. He over reacted to my ultimatums of course. We fought and fought and fought. We never got to any sense of collaboration ever!
Well obviously there were times when it appeared to work but they were built on his lies and deceit and lets not foget my ultimate denial. I lived ate and slept denial and then when I was wasn't in denial I was in fear and trepidaiton and rage, total rage.
So for me the ultimatums were part of the process of getting there. People used to tell me not to bother but me for me they were part of the process of coming out of denial.They were also part of my being able to say no.
Giving an ultimatum as a way to comes to terms with the disease being out of control. I like that. Now that I think back, that is what did it for me. thank you for sharing your esh.
