The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am having a difficult day today. My AH has been asleep for close to 14 hours. He took off work last night. Needless to say, today has been difficult with the baby. She woke up earlier than normal and has been extra cranky b/c she is off schedule. Minimal writing done today. I am angry b/c I have such low expectations of this man whom I have chosen as my "partner." I use that word loosely. My current expectations are to keep a job and come home when he is out with friends. I am so angry that they are so low. He does just enough to get me thinking that maybe I can raise them just a little bit....but then he sleeps. I am just angry today not just at him but at me for the choice that I made, for running out of patience. It is so much easier when he is not here. We are halfway through our 6 mos. I just need to post this to reaffirm my feelings. Deep breath and I am officially making the decision to change my attitude. Once the kids are in bed I am taking my laptop to Starbucks and I am going to write. I don't expect to write anymore before then. Otherwise, it will fuel my anger. I am going to enjoy my kids for the rest of the day knowing that I am devoting 2 full hours away from the house to write. Surely, the slug will be out of bed by then. (Please don't say that I am raising too high for that!)
Figuring out that my expectations only fueled my anger and resentment was a key thing for me. I now realise that expecting anything from an active A is silly (In hindsight. Sure wasn't when I was in it.). My expectations were just my way of trying to control him. Of course I was angry when he wouldn't do things my way, you know, get to work on time and bring money home to pay bills. Now I really see how even the tinyest expectations, the ones most people take for granted were totally unrealistic. I lived with an active A. That was my reality.
We are now separated and he has 4 months of quality sobriety, working hard at his program and learning how to take care of himself and his family with consistency. BUT, I still have to remind myself that 4 months is only 4 months. A huge accomplishment for him to be proud of, and would be a good excuse for me to just start up my old expecting/manipulating behavior again. My reality is that it took 10+ years to batter my trust. It will take many months or years to regain it, and it will never be blind trust again. It will be well informed trust with my eyes wide open to not what he says, but what his actions tell me.
It was a hard lesson to learn, but well worth it. I can be confident that I will never be that naive again. I can take care of myself. Consistancy is important for change. If he isn't working hard at being consistant, he hasn't really changed. He's just snowing you and himself.
BTW, there is no such thing as partnership with an active A. Their partnership is with their addiction, period. That was a REALLY hard one for me to accept. It had been my dream my whole life to have a true partner in life. I had to completely let go of that dream and it died hard. The thing is, now I realise that there is a bit of hope for a modified version of it, taking into account the everpresent possibility of relapse. That has been a recent discovery (with sobriety) and a welcome one.
Just remember one day at a time. Get through today. Enjoy those precious children and breathe deep once in a while. Find a f2f if you haven't already. It really helps me.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Wow, I could have written that myself Jen! I can't deal with the constant spectre of relapse over my head though, I had to get away. Of course that's easy to say when my A is constantly messing up. When he looks like he's doing good it's not so easy huh?
I told him he isn't going to keep yo-yoing in and out of the house. I had already made him leave twice before. This time he won't get back in so easy. I finally realised that getting sober is not enough. He has to SHOW me that he is making real changes. I realised I will no longer accept him being a liability to my familys security. I have made some changes to help safeguard us financially, and our separation will be long term this time, probably a year or more. I think he realised this time that I am serious about it being the last time. I want to be very careful about letting him back in this time because I really feel that if it doesn't work this time it will be the last reconciliation. Yo-yoing is not good for the kids or for me. I'm getting stronger by the day and I just won't stand for it any longer.
I understand that relapse can happen to anyone regardless of how long they have been sober, but that spectre needs to be a quiet ghost that I have to remind myself is there, not in my face every day. Does that make sense?
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Well said, Jen. And it's really helps to hear others say that the A's partnership is his addiction. That was SO tough for me to come to grips with. Unbelievably tough. My counselor brought it to my attention last week, too. His "relationship" is with the bottle. That's his love. Wow......I can't even comprehend something so awful. But I know it to be true.
And remembering how they are in their sober times is especially heartbreaking. (Mine had up to a year sobriety at a time while we were together). What a wonderful person he is when he's sober. Just got to remind myself that he is an alcoholic - so some days you get "Mr. Wonderful" and other days you get "Mr. Irresponsible". But you don't get to pick between the two. You get whatever he serves up. I'm too old to play that. It's too much drama for me.
I'm in a very similar boat as you. My children are grown and I left our home, however. I plan for this separation to be our first and last. I'm being very cautious and observing his behaviors. I don't want to yo-yo. Even though he is doing everything by the AA book, I'm not ready to jump back in. I experienced years of his drunkeness (we've been married 34 years).
I had constant unremitting resentment from the a. I found it very very very hard to manage. I found to have any expectation of him absolutely useless. He always disappointed, betrayed and upset me towards the end. That was not always the case during the time we were together but it became that. Oddly enough now I have no expectation of him even though my life is tremendously hard I find myself so much happier. That unremitting resentment was so toxic. None of us can tell you what to do. Having a child with someone is such a huge commitment. I made huge commitments with the A, a home, pets, cars, furniture, finances. I had to let all those commitments go and it was tremendously difficult and painful. I took more than 3 years here to do it.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and pain with me. I have not been back because I have found the going just a little bit too much to handle. I am new at this sharing game, hence the long prattles. I am not cold like some people are, I am still human.
Anyways Optimistundone, what you have had to say makes total sense to me. What you are saying is like a reflection. You run off to starbucks, I run off to my studio.
This morning he is not here. Sigh, tranquillity.
I thought hard about coming in here this morning, and the first two letters I open deal exactly with what I am dealing with. This is just so spookie. I come in here when it is hard, and each time I come in, this spookie thing happens, issued I am dealing with someone else is dealing with. Your courageous. I just do not know how to start a thread.
I and doing what maybe you are doing inside. Screaming.
I detached from my husband yesterday in a psychological way.
I have been told dont do this and dont do that. To hell with dont do this and dont do that.
God I love my husband, I would never have married him if I had not have. (weep, cry, pain, overload, anger, self pity, frustration, protect myself, detach, salvation) This is my day mare, and this is my nightmare.
Yesterday I let him have it. Bloody stupid drunk I called him, laughed at him, said Mummy gets Baby his bottle. Made me feel better, could care less if he walked in front of a freight train.
Then got over the anger inside, made me feel better for the first time in 10 years. Of course he has a hysterical, but (laugh, giggle, smirk) I felt good. I still feel good, but slightly ashamed. But its about me as well in this partnership of ours and my needs being fulfilled.
Heavens, talking about needs being fulfilled. Ladies that just doesnt happen anymore. The drop brought that to an end years ago. But I not hear to talk about that sort of stuff.
Hes at his councillor right now, me I am sitting here sharing and reading like a nutter, learn learn, learn, and what ever.
Oh heavens, I just sat back and read this, sounds like I have had a mental. But I feel better. o~{:o) hehe
He will be home soon, will be interesting sitting back and watching him and see what he does.
Detachment from within to things around me.
Its a nightmare to watch someone you love so much destroy themselves and everything you do for them, well you just watch your life (30 years) go down the toilet.
That was what my first experience of detachment show me really and truly what he has become.
He is a hopeless A.
I gods name, I ask you come and save us.
Thank you for helping me to share, I shall think of you and pray for your inner search for peace.
I have to go away and think and come back to this thread later. I am exhausted.
Possible future
__________________
Difficulty is but a challenge to overcome. Get on with it, Build a Bridge and get over it. Better still tell someone that cares. Now that is deep but that is the state of mind I am in right now.
