The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After reading carolinagirl's post about being shunned by her co-workers, it made me reflect on my life and how I perceived myself and my friends over the years.
I was a supreme loner as a teenager. I had no really true friends in high school. I talked to people plenty, about all kinds of stuff, but had no loyal friends I did stuff with outside of school. It always seemed to be about who you were, what you did. I came from a middle class family but now realize that we were dirt poor compared to the people I went to school with. Many of the kids hung out at country clubs, I hung out at the gas station... and got kicked out of there, LOL.
Anyway I always wanted to "be somebody". I thought if I did something significant, or could perform some job or function that made me valuable, that people would like me. And I found that niche around the time I turned 17. I went from being nobody to being the star overnight. I was the go-to guy. I had as many friends as I could help with their homework (or work-work). In my early working career I was the martyr - the underpaid, overworked guy who covered for everybody... blazed the trail... wrote the manual, etc.
It was an interesting ride, but I found when who you are is nothing but what you do, the day that you fail - the day you are overwhelmed by carrying the whole world on your shoulders - is the day you are left in the gutter and forgotten. You are a has-been. That's where you find your true friends (if you have any)... and where you find a higher power.
Today in my job I am considered important, but I am nowhere near the big dog I used to be. I'm responsible for my corner of the world, but not everything from fixing the economy on down. In other areas of my life I became "somebody" by getting involved in various organizations and activities and found that once again, I was getting overwhelmed and had to step back and disovered that many of the friends I had made remained good friends. Maybe it's because we've all been there by now, and because the friendships mean more than the grunt of ambition.
What's weird is that my existence as a regular person is a lot more comfortable - materially, emotionally, and physically - than it ever was when I was "somebody". It does take some getting used to. I still have to recalibrate when I walk into the rooms of Alanon, to just be me and not the do-er, the answer-man, go-to guy, etc. That recalibrating is just what I need at the time when I feel I have more important things to do.
I've never left a meeting thinking to myself, I wish I had worked another hour instead. Never. But there are many many times I've thought, I can't go to the meeting, I have to do this or this or that. Seems like if I go to the meeting anyway, this and that still get done and Barisax gets some serenity.
Anyway, the whole notion of being somebody has taken its course... I've been there, done that. I've never been rich or famous, but I've been close enough to it to see what it - or more properly - the pursuit of wealth and fame - does to people's spirit. I realize now that I'm already somebody, and I always have been. But I spent too much of my life in the wrong places waiting for people chasing the same dream to validate my own dream. Turns out, I had it all along. I used to sit as a child and dream of what I wanted to do, and to have in life - having done it, and had it, I realize now that that wide-awake child was the best I could be - and still can be.
I was never popular in school either. There was a time when I had quite a few friends in my early teens but those days and people are all off on their various individual journeys and I rarely talk to any of them anymore. The first alcoholic I was with was the downfall of most of those friendships. Then the more children I had the more isolation came with it. I can count my good friends on one hand. Most of them live in other states. Also my definitaion of a good friend has changed. Used to be someone I could go out and party all night and pick up guys with. Now it's someone I can call to pick up my kids from school in an emergency or feel comfortable crying in front of.
I'm not the best at following up with phone calls and setting things up. I'm really afraid of asking people to do things because it never works out - fear of rejection I guess. Also, it seems I can never find people who are interested in doing the things I do that have a schedule that works with mine. Working 6 days a week doesn't help that I guess. I know this is work I need to do. I feel like I am constantly asking for help from others and have nothing to offer in return. Perhaps I am too needy a friend working 2 jobs and having 3 kids. Sometimes it's overwhelming for me, I can only imagine how it is for people who don't have to deal with it.
Anyway, I'm hoping to someday get to the point of having dear old friends who have time to do things with me and vice versa, I tend to befriend unavailable people who never have a dime to their names.
This is part of my resolution, to make friends this year. People who I can call in an emergency AND go out and do fun things with!
Used to be, I worked with customers every day. It wasn't the general public as in a retail environment, but I did deal with a diverse bunch of people - on the phone and in person. Today my job is more ivory-tower and I see the same people every day. We have very little in common other than the job. The one person I used to chat with occasionally - we both had kids who had drug/alcohol problems at one time or another - got fired a long time ago. The people I work with are great co-workers in that we're all civil to each other and everybody does their job, and you don't get bugged as long as you're pulling your weight. It's the kind of thing I used to fantasize about, and now that I've got it, it's kinda boring... but isn't that how it is for we Alanons? I've mentioned my attraction to psycho women (alcoholic or otherwise) and now I'm in a relationship with a mature, stable, responsible, warm, loving woman and I'm still pinching myself every day to see if it's real!
There's something that you hear in AA and other places about trying to buy bread at Home Depot... well I no longer look for work from my friends, and no longer look for friends at work. Not to say it can't happen, but I have broadened my life enough that I no longer have all my eggs in one basket. There was a time when everything revolved around work - everything. I met my first wife at the office - no surprise there... LOL.
I think I have always felt left out. Some of my people pleasing comes from having to feel that I was meeting others needs. I have been popular but I never felt it.
I am dealing with the consequences of leaving the A. 7 years with someone is a long long time to be out of humanity. I am looking for work, a time consuming occupation. I am probably going to have to take a 2nd job.
I would like to have a relationship someday that didn't totally dominate my life.
