The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH woke up after spending all night sleeping on the sofa. He woke up due to the cat wanting out. He got mad at the cat and booted her out of the house. Then he tried to go to bed and the dog had eaten the foam on his bed. So he put the dog in the kennel and is mad. He had been up an hour and a half saying he needs to go to walmart to get a new shaver for his beard and hair cutting thing for his hair. He is probably drunk or hung over, is worried about a job interview, but is angry at himself for allowing things to get so out of hand.
I think an intervention is in need but I don't know what to do. I want to call his brother who is a retired cop and could help me assess the situation better but that would cause me lots of heartache and he would say I betrayed him blah blah blah.
I don't know the details of your situation. You say an intervention is in need. All I can do is share my experience and perhaps it might give you some food for thought.
My recovering AH has 3 brothers and his mother who live nearby. Through the years, I'm talking at least 10 years or so, they were aware of my husband's drinking problem. I had mentioned to them at times the concern I had and the problems it causes in our relationship. I got various responses that implied that it was my job to stick by my man.
Towards the end, before I left our home, his brother and mother thought an intervention was needed. They came out to the house and talked with him; I don't know what was said because I was still at work that day. They were just departing when I arrived home that day. Whatever was discussed only made my husband mad. It did not help.
A few months passed, I read a lot on alcoholism and went to bimonthly counseling sessions. I read up on interventions. I decided that intervention would not help our situation, for I believed my husband would have to come to the realization on his own that he needed help, that he needed to change. So when I decided to move out, I did. A few days later, I called his mother, brother and their wives to arrange a meeting with them. I talked to them about the situation; I gave them printouts of articles that I had found on the Internet and also gave them each a copy of Under the Influence. I even noted on a sticky note the pages that I thought would be helpful for them to read. They seemed appricative and empathetic. The meeting went well. But will all departed with great sadness and a heavy heart.
As I said, I left after filing for divorce. I left the day my husband was served. It took my husband 3 weeks to admit that he was in deep trouble. He spent those 3 weeks drinking excessively and he said he couldn't even get drunk. He said he rarely slept, for he couldn't sleep no matter what he tried. When he decided he needed help, he discovered that he needed detox before rehab. His shakes, a consequence of trying to stop cold turkey, took him by surprise. It also shocked him to learn that he could drink so much at one time and not get drunk. But who knows? Perhaps he was drunk and he didn't even know it.
Each situation is different. Perhaps intervention will be the ticket for you. Does your brother-in-law know of your husband's drinking problem? Do you have other family members near by that you feel comfortable talking with? Hopefully, you do and they can help you.
Remember, one thing you can start to do if you haven't done so already is take care of you. I know that sounds selfish; but I learned that was the best decesion I made. For when I realized that he was too far gone and didn't want any advice from me, I began to ask myself what I could do to help me. That's when I admitted to myself that I was utterly miserable. I was tired of worry and tired of getting beat up verbally. I was terribly lonely. I tell ya, when I moved into my apartment, I didn't feel as lonely.
I feel I'm rambling here. I hope this helps in some way. Contemplate this question: what can I do to take care of myself? Truly, it's about the only thing you can do besides letting go and letting your HP take over.
Take Care, Stormie
P.S. When I read that your husband spent the night on the sofa, I could relate! My husband always drank and passed out on the sofa. He rarely slept in our bed. As a result, I HATE that sofa. I told him if I do decide to return home, that sofa goes before I enter It brings back horrible memories.
I only know anything about interventions from reading and watching TV. What I do know is that it isn't just family asking them to stop and get help. It is always "get help or you are out of our lives". Everyone has to be on the same page and willing to walk away. Unless the addict is willing to help himself , the support system must ensure that no help, no support, no money, no sanctuary, not even a shoulder to lean on, nothing is extended till he requests Alcoholism Treatment/Drug Treatment. It's an ultimatum of the most severe degree and there is no garauntee (A) that they will go to rehab or (B) they won't drink as soon as they walk out of the rehab.
I'm on the fence about interventions. I think they might only work if the addict is already very sick and tired. Very few families as a whole are strong enough to hold to the consequences of refusing help. Again, I only know what I've seen/read but it seems that if the A refuses, everyone is left with upholding the consequences (of basically shunning the A) on their own. There's always going to be someone that breaks away and wants to be the savior, especially without continued support and everyone staying together as a team for however long, maybe forever.
Just my .02, Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I was involved with an intervention for the father of my baby. He ended up coming drunk from the night before so his attitude towards everything was not good. We all gave him our thoughts and experiences with his drinking, gave him our bottom lines mine being that I wouldn't live with him and that he has no unsupervised visits with our child until he went to treatment. He told us all to **** off and stormed out the door. We had the counselor from the treatment facility there and it seemed like he didn't know how to handle him, he said things that I felt weren't helping but making the situation worse, but I guess I never know how to talk to the a either so maybe that's how they do it. Well, I didn't follow through on my bottom line, I moved in with him, had the baby, put up with all the drunken bs for a few months and finally thought enough is enough. I finally followed through and moved out (or got kicked out, I told him I was leaving so he told me to get out now), but it lost it's meaning after I already failed keeping the bottom line. After he threatened to kick the ____ out of me, I decided I didn't want my child left alone with him anymore. He didn't understand that I wanted to protect my child, or he was mad I wasn't under his control anymore he put me through so much emotional pain. After he was put in jail everyone ran to help him, take care of his house, his bills, everything. No one followed through on their bottom lines. So now he knows someone will always be there to rescue him. I didn't work for us, but I don't know if it would work if everyone would follow through.
We cannot do anything for them, if he had any other disease we could not either
It is up to professionals. I am sure he knows about AA, rehab,detox. It is totally up to him to decide.
As far as intervention, there are people, who put them together and moderate for the family/loved ones.
The sad thing is, it is rare that everyone follows thru. It just takes one to enable the A.
After all this they still have to be ready. Just becuz they go after intervention means zero. They need to completely decide for themselves it is time.
I think of it this way, people who are obese. I don't care how many people in the room tell them how much they love them,etc. Until that person is ready, they are not going to find out what may be the cause of their eating disorder.
Again it is up to us to take care of our physical,mental, emotional and spiritual self. If we do this and we learn to detach from the addicts disease, then they don't feel so guilty and angry at themselves.
It is bad enough they are sick, we don't have to be too.
I would not call anyone, not my job. Everyone is responsible for themselves.
It brings back horrible memories.