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My a brother is sitting in jail tonight. I haven't posted about him because I have been so consumed with my own life, but suffice to say, it sucks! An engineer turned failed entrepreuner, he has a wonderful wife and 5 beautiful kids. A few years ago they were living such a nice life - a Christian home-schooling family on a 15yr mortgage plan and no debt. Now he sits in jail and the house will be going up for sale soon, if it doesn't foreclose first. Alcoholism got another one.
So, I call my ah. Crazy, I know. He has been talking to my brother, 12th stepping him, if you will. We had a good conversation and he talked about his sobriety. It was okay until, yes until, I end up asking him if he can understand how much his affair has hurt me and his answer was "no". Stupid, stupid, stupid! Honestly, with all his aa talk, I was hoping to hear it was over. Uh, not the case. Turns into me bashing her and him using all his aa psychobabble about me taking the inventory of others and not keeping my side of the street clean. Moves into this is why I can never have a life with you, blah, blah, blah. Tried to say I was tempting his sobriety, but I put an end to that one in a hurry saying only he was in charge of that. Ends up I am getting papers soon. Not really a surprise. He really is planning to have a life with this woman. Apparently he was going to talk to the kids about it on thier trip to the snow, but chickened out and didn't want to ruin their trip.
Don't you think I need to be with the kids when he tells them? I can't even cry right now I feel so numb. Good new, bad news that I have an al-anon meeting tomorrow morning. I never posted this, but it ended up "her" mom told her that I talked to her after an anl-anon meeting and the last time I saw her at a meeting she looked mad, to say the least. Being the co-dependent that I am I was afraid maybe she thought I was mad at her. I approached her after the mmeting to say Merry Christmas and she stuck her hand in my face and stormed out. Whatever. I don't really care, but I refused to tell my ah how the meeting happened without him telling me what he heard first. He just said her mom now doesn't feel safe to go to an al-anon meeting. I just said that was her problem. Boo hoo.
It is late and I am sending this off unedited. Sorry if it doesn't make any sense. I'm getting ready for a new chapter in my life and I am finally being forced to turn the page. That's probably a good thing.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Sounds like he just made your hang on let go decision very easy for you. Sounds like there's nothing to hang on to. I want to say take him for everything you can but I know that sounds really b***y so what I'll say instead is make sure that you and the kids get everything you deserve. Don't count on him to follow through on promises about what he'll provide for them, get it in writing. Remember, he is the one who brought this on, he is the cheater, you did everything you could and this is in no way your fault! If it was me that would be the end of any civility that was left in me. You don't have to sit and be nice and take it when someone treats you like crap, it's ok to be angry about that. It's hard to think in terms of you are your own individual and so is he and he may make decisions you don't like but on the other hand you may make decisions he doesn't like and that's tough for him. He's obviously not concerned about your feelings at all so why should you be worried about his? When you married you agreed to stand by him and you have gone ABOVE AND BEYOND in that aspect whereas he has run around, cheated, refused to step up to his responsibilities as a husband and father, etc.
I would say no you don't need to be with the kids when he tells them. He is the one who is doing this and he can feel the weight of the consequences alone. I doubt your kids will be very happy with him or her for that matter.
As for her mommy, you're right, that's her problem. If she had a problem with you she should have told you when you approached her that she would prefer not to talk about them. You can talk about how your husband's cheating is affecting you in the meeting, no need to single her out.
The best thing that ever happened to me was my A going off to prison for several months, the time without communicating at all is what made it easier for me to let go and close the door on that chapter of my life. If you can manage it, avoiding any contact at all would probably serve you very well. I know it doesn't seem that way at first but hindsight is 20 20 right? I just had to tell myself no every time I wanted to pick up the phone. Eventually your mind will start thinking about other things and thoughts of him will rarely cross it.
But on the plus side, your are most definately right! Your life is now starting a new chapter, and you can focus more on yourself and your children. New Year, new ending, and now...a new beginning.
I wish you peace. Remember to breathe.
--Just For Now
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Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I am so very sorry for the chaos and pain. Your post (yet again) brought me to tears. First of all, I am glad that the skank's mother won't be bothering you at meetings anymore. What the hell could she have an attitude about anyway? You have nothing to do with the fact that her daughter is a skank and your ex is a liar. Hello, you are the victim in this not her or her skanky daughter. Sounds like she missed the boat as far as even being in alanon (I know, sounds like I did too with what I just wrote but so what, we all need a little unadulterated support now and then.)
Your ex sounds like he is simply trying to control you. He obviously gets off on knowing that he has you emotionally wrapped around his finger. He gets off on your pain. That is how he can still get to you, punish you for not tolerating and covering for him any more. New skank will eventually get the same treatment. No doubt about that. She is not his HP either.
And as far as his spouting AA crap, that's all it is, crap. When it is comming out of his mouth. If you met some real AA people you would see a huge difference between being "around" the program and being "in" the program. Your ex is "around" the program. Whatever is comming out of his mouth about the program is dribble that he heard, remembered and is repeating. Taking HER inventory? Oh how clever!!! And what would he call what he was doing by telling you that? Maybe he was taking YOUR inventory insted of listening to what you said, how you felt and APOLOGIZING like a real, recovering person would?!?!?!
Lou, he is not sober. He is not to be pitied or congradulated. He is what he is, a sick human being who is making mistakes just like the rest of us. You are going to get thru this. It's ok not to look at your part right now. It's ok to only see his part and be mad as hell at him. He is the one who is choosing this path despite you and the kids. "Normal" gets married and understands that married means considering the one he married when making life decisions. "Alcoholic" doesn't ever get that. Part of the disease to be superhuman selfish.
I know this wasn't all alanon, it is what I would say if we were sitting in a meeting together, take what you like and leave the rest. I'm behind ya hon, 100%. I know this pain and blame and shame. I know you will get thru this with way more dignity intact than I have LOL!!!
