The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
... more than ever I am convinced it is just a setting on the dryer.
Last night some friends (two couples) invited me out to dinner. I was in the process of making dinner and they asked me if I could be spontaneous. They had no idea. I was at thier house within 20 minutes! LOL!
We have all been friends for quite a while. The men have attempted to reach out to my ah and have taken him golfing, but my ah has not contacted them or mentioned anything of his/our troubles since his disease all came down about a year ago. He has completly slipped out of all social situations.
Anyhow, last night at dinner I was really watching the interactions between the couples. What I saw was that they interacted with eachother no different than my ah and I had - they interrupted eachother at times, corrected one another, didn't sit staring lovingly into eachothers' eyes, you know, "normal" stuff. The reason I say this is because when the aism/addiction all came down and our marriage outwardly fell apart, my ah harped on the fact that he did not feel respected, that "he was always wrong", he didn't feel loved, wasn't supported, on and on... As a result, I took on all the blame for our marriage dysfunction, and continued to for a long time.
Thus, now I wonder, was our relationship really so dysfunctional or was it more about my ah's disease and associated feelings about himself and inability to cope and just handle life on life's terms?
I have read that an alcoholic is not emotionally available. Does that refer to when they are in active alcoholism or just by nature? Did my lack of physical attraction occur because he didn't really allow it or was it because I really wasn't or just couldn't?
My husband is the only man I have ever loved and it is hard for me to admit that I always felt something was missing, but couldn't identify it because I didn't know any different. Also, I came to our marriage with a lot of emotional issues resulting from unresolved grief (death of my parents as a young child), thus I wonder how much I contributed. Now I am thinking probably not as much as I thought as I thought and ah wants me to believe.
I am getting to the point where I need to give up hope for reconciliation, I know that. I hate the fact that I think I would still be willing to risk re-entering and accepting a potentially loveless marriage with the hope of change, than possibly be alonew while at he same time opening myself up to the possibility of a real loving relationship. Does that make sense?
I just wish I knew what my feelings are. I wish I knew why I am hanging on so dearly to something so sick. I want to believe I am smarter than that, but apparently I am not. Maybe I just don't want to admit defeat. I do know I am terribly afraid of the unknown and pissed at the present.
My question for you is, did you ever have a "normal" relationship with your a or was it always different? What does "emotionally unavailable" mean and how does "emotionally unavailable" and infidelity relate?
No, this is not a quiz, just a fearless attempt to try and figure out what my reality is. You all have so much experience, strength, hope and WISDOM to offer. I value your input.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I had normal bits and pieces with my ex. Just enough to keep me hanging on. The emotional unavailable and the affair, well yes, I do believe my ex used that as a justification. But, the reality is he had affairs because he chose to. After what he had done to me for years, I had every justification to have an affair and never feel guilty about it. I didn't because I am not a sick, immature, diseased person. He is. He always needs something. He got sober and became a workaholic, then a workaholic/straight a student/soccer coach dad. Then he became a running addict/health nut. He would drink 2-3 gallons of water a day and a head of lettuce (no dressing). Then he became a sex addict which being that he was married at the time, lead him right back to crack.I "normalized" and "minimized" everything. I took the blame for everything when he was working his program. I was so sick and screwed up from living my entire life with this disease. It is now, being NC for these few months, I am seeing things differently. I see that my behavior was completly normal when dealing with such an abnormal situation. I don't want that kind of toxic love anymore. I know I will find real love. With a real, whole person.I am not damned to spend the rest of my life with an drunk or an addict. I never was. I get a do over card. I didn't want to, I wanted it to be how I wanted it to be. A man who works, is a father and a husband whom I could trust and share and love and trust. The reality is I got a sick immature disease, mentally ill boy. I could have continued sacrificing myself, my mind, body and spirit to him, but what kind of example would that be to the women I am raising? It doesn't have to be that way. He is not my HP. I have taken him off the alter and put my HP back where HP belongs. My ex is nothing but an abusive addict out to get what he wants and will dump and strangle anyone who gets in his way. Sad but true so I am now officially out of his way. I feel sorry for his current victim....ok, no I don't but I will some day. I will pity her just like I pity him and his incurable sickness of soul.
You are trying soooo hard to get it...whatever it means for the moment. I did that...sometimes still do. Remember to rest it also so that you can have balance. Remember the suggestions of meetings and sponsor and slogans and literature etc.
I had a normal relationship with my addict and my alcoholic after my addict and my alcoholic after my addict and my alcoholic and my family of orgin. Normal was sick, dead, spiritually without benefit of compassion and love; Normal for me/us. My present relationship with my Al-Anon/AA family is loving, supportive, compassionate mutually beneficial...Normal. I prefer the second normal don't you.
Emotionally unavailable? I had to learn what feelings were in order to understand emotions/al and then I understood I was never emotionally available for anyone except to have others define my behaviors to determine my feelings and then make proper choices as to whether they wanted any part of me. I was available for anger and rage; frustration and impatience and self pity and neediness. The addict and alcoholics were not available for much because they were doing their addictions. I was second or less of importance in relationship to ghe drugs/alcohol. If emotionally available is supposed to mean being there with compassion for my feelings and needs...No...it didn't happen either direction and that became NORMAL. I don't get the connection twix emotional availability and infidelity. Seems like you are trying to deal with two separate issues. If he was being an infidel (infidelity get it lol) then he certainly was not being there for your emotional state or needs. He was available for someone else and probably not for her emotional state either but for something else with maybe a lie or two. It is almost impossible for an alcoholic to be emotionally available for anyone. You would have to have the last bottle of booze available in the state to get an emotional response to your understanding and then you would still know it wasn't to support you but because of the booze. It won't happen. Real spontaneous truthful emotions go out the door when the drinking becomes addiction or abusive and rarely are other than reactive displays. I recently saw on television the arraignment of a drunk that killed a mother and 4 children in a highway accident. He had a small owee on his chin and no outward emotional signals at all. Alcohol is a solvent it will take everything including the ability to feel with or for another person. This is a disease...sickness.
What is your reality? Re-read your post about where he is and where you are at. Read the part of how you can't stay away from the "she" issue and the part where he is "working HIS program, sticking with his infidelity, has the justifications for it that are centered about who you are and are not. He is in recovery and he is blaming...HIS program not THEE program. I sponsor a couple of guys that never get away with that kind of foolishness cause it isn't healthy for honest recovery.
Anyhow I think that you are being courageous for reaching out and asking for help. I hope you use it only because you need it for you and not because it may or may not help you make any sense of a fantasy regarding the alcoholic. Let him go. Let her go. Let yourself go to your HP.
I remember that feeling of limbo, I wanted to hang on and let go all at the same time. As far as I know my A never had an affair but who really knows for sure huh?
I think what helped me when I was where you are was to try to stop seeing things in black and white. To get rid of the all or nothing attitude. To give myself permission to change my mind if I said I would do something and then decided I didn't want to after all. Sticking to my word has always been very important to me and that held me back a lot because I was doing things I didn't really want to do because I said I would.
Try not to think of it as it's totally over but in terms of we'll see what happens and then really see. I think for me setting basic ideals for myself, I will not accept.... and fill in all the things that make you mad. I realized that I was tolerating a lot of things I shouldn't have and I began to get angrier and angrier about it! I gained strength and a knowing of myself, what is and isn't ok for me, etc. It's ok to say no without feeling guilty that he doesn't like what you're saying. It's ok to say I really don't know I'll have to think about that and walk away and take as long as you want to think. We don't have to make immediate decisions. That really helped me to see more clearly and to put the whole thing into perspective. It also have him time to either get right or get lost and in my case he didn't get right.
Now I feel like I know how I really feel but it has taken a very long time to get to that point.
I hope this helps, I know what you mean and it's hard to get through this part.
Also, my A always used to say that my kids were so awful, constantly berating them and me about their behavior when in reality they were just being kids. It took me a long time to see that they were just like all the others, actually better than most and he had me seriously brainwashed that mine weren't good enough! I think that's the case with your normal relationship thing. I think it's just another way to blame someone else for their issues.
I always say that "normal" is the term for people i don't know very well. Everyone has their pathology-- but not everyone drinks/uses over it. I hear the same drama at my house. I still live with my A but I have no idea why much of the time. Emotionally unavailable? Yeah. Selfish, self serving, inconsiderate? Hell yeah! When my A is sober, those long practiced character defects do not magically disappear. He needs to recognize them and work the 12 steps to make any lasting change. Just like I need to do more than just recognize that I am powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic-- I need to look at my self as well. I need to spend more time figuring out what God's will is for me and doing that, than obsessing about my A- who can only help himself with his HP's assistance. I don't care why he thinks he uses. At this point, I know he uses because he is an addict. first things first.
__________________
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
