The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Made it through the night without him (AH) and was pretty productive today. Graded a ton of papers and did menial house cleaning that has been neglected. He called tonight and I answered. He wants to come home. He misses his family ( me and his 14 yo son). He feels abandoned again. That's the line that got to me. His mother "abandoned" him when he was a few months old to come to America and get settled as a nurse. His mother and father sent for him when he was 7 years old to a life he never knew existed and was ripped from his aunt who raised him and who he has a very maternal bond with. Now he says that I have left him feeling abandoned again.
I feel like an evil person for NOT saying to come home right now and I will work harder. Instead I told him that I need to be the person I used to be, a person that I love and respect. Do I give it one more go. . .insist on counseling? with a therapist that focuses on addictions?
My A did the same thing, he would say anything he thought might work. I just wanted to see him make it on his own. Eventually he had done so many stupid things I just couldn't see him the same anymore. The reality was so blaring that the denial just wouldn't work anymore and eventually I got to the point I'm at now where I think boy I'd have to be really messed up to want him back LOL.
He still tries I miss the kids and I miss my family but really if he really wanted them bach he's had over a year to get it right and if it was that important to him he would.
This is just another manipulation and even if he does feel this way it's not your job to fix it for him. It's ok to have bad feelings, nobody fixes mine for me LOL.
Given your AH's background, it is understandable why he interprets his current situation as "abandonment." Please remember that he is responsible for his feelings, not you.
You can take 10 different husbands whose wives have asked them to leave and you will find that each husband will process the situation differently. So, your husband feels abandon, while another husband might feel like his wife is a selfish B****. We can't control how others interpret their life events.
I do understand how you feel like an "EVIL" person. I felt the same. But I also knew that I wasn't evil or selfish, and my intention was not to hurt my AH, but to stop the insanity. So, I moved out and filed for a divorce. At first, I got calls from him, several times he was so choked up that he couldn't talk. He also would tell me that he needed to know if there was any chance that I would return home. I would fall silent when he asked that, for I didn't know the answer. I would tell him that I didn't know how I will feel in the future, but for now, I feel I need to stay away. That would tear him up. I would feel torn up too. I would get off the phone from talking with him and cry myself to sleep. But I would also pick up my books, one of them is Getting Them Sober and read all the underline parts that I had made in the book. Reading gave me strenghten to follow through with the separtion.
My husband finally got to the stage where he wasn't calling me, asking me when I would make up my mind about our relationship. He now doesn't get pushed out of shape if I have other plans for the weekend that don't include him. Moreover, he tells me repeatedly that he wants me back only if I am ready and have no doubts. So through out 6-month separation, he has grown considerably. He also went to a 30-day rehab facility (in patient care).
I hope my experiences help in some way. Only you know what is best for you. Trust yourself.
I just read 1/2 the book, Getting Them Sober, and that is one of the lines they use to suck you back into their disease. And our disease is feeling guilty about their accusations. Giving in to the guilt will escalate their disease without them getting help. Hope this helps. Pray for HP to carry you through this.
The therapist is a great idea. Full membership in the AA program is best. Staying with your Al-Anon meetings, literature, participation is sound for yourself. He feels abandoned...that's normal for the situation. Can he recite his part in it? Does his feelings of abandonment measure up with yours? Stash the guilt feelings. You're not a god or a saint either. The reality of alcoholism is concrete enough a justification to say "stop" or "get out" or maybe "Stop and get out and get help." You wouldn't be the first or last to have done that. He is not normal. He is acoholic. You all need to get help.
I can tell you that I used to "feel" for the A tremendously over issues with his mother and her many abandonments. The issue for me eventually became were my issues in there. With the a eventually all my issues went by the wayside. There were only "his" issues. I wa snot allowed to be ill. I was not allowed to have problems, I was not allowed to have feelings. HIs issues were the great elephant in the living room. In a relationship there should at least be "turns". There were no turns with him at the end. There was only him and his never ending sel perpetuating problems. He projected on me every single thing.
After being here I began to see I deserbed to take care of me. I am only 3 months out from that. 3 months out from saying no more to him. 3 months out from saying I am not going to pay for you anymore. For some of us we "try" for a long long time. There is no shame in that. There is no shame in wanting "it" to work. The issue for me was when the work was only on my part.
Yep, the abandonment card is a doozie. Mine used that all the time, too- his mom killed herself when he was 16/17, yada yada yada...I do not mean to be disrespectful but we all have our terrible stories from childhood by hook or by crook- the issue is: We are all adults now so what are you doing about it??!!. I am still a firm believer that you cannot weigh suffering- no ones suffering is more or less than anyone elses- we all got plenty to go around...and we simply cannot judge.
I think you got some awesome responses here. Jerry's questions are great re: looking at your own feelings of abandonment, too. Jerry also asks: can he recite his part in it? For me, this is a real deal breaker. See, up till VERY recently, mine could not and I gotta say: there is nothing more unattractive in the world to me! So, that made it easier because its so blatantly offensive when someone cannot even own a tiny bit of the all the horrendous toxic things that have occurred in our relationship over the years!!!
this sounds so familiar. My A says "if you aren't there for me, I have no one" I said "then don't s**t where you eat! if you want support from someone, you need to treat that person with respect. Which means not lying-- which you can't stop doing---because you're an alcoholic/addict" I don't even feel bad that I said it. It was honest and the truth that I have learned in this program. It might have been the most clearly detached thing I ever said to him.
everybody has issues /everybody has resentments /everybody has reasons to have bad habits It is not an excuse. It does not give anyone the" right" to do anything. Life is a challenge.
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
