The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH is going through a relapse after 3 years sober this time. This time around I am feeling just numb. I don't feel the drive to work through it. Does this mean I do not love him? The trust is gone. The last time this was all brought to light by an affair. I felt his sincerity in the desire to change. With the Lord's help, we had a marriage better than ever. Now, I do not have the desire to even work to get that back. Has anyone felt this numbness? Do I keep the faith that we will come out stronger even though I don't feel it this time? He says to me today, "I will stop (these behaviors) and make you happy." He said he doesn't like the person he has become. I told him he needed to work on himself and become the person he wants to be for himself.
Another thing I am unsure about is my 13 yo daughter. I don't feel like she is aware that her dad started drinking again because he hid it so well. Do we address this as a family? What is the healthiest way to approach this with her? Do we approach it at all with her?
As a mother, I want to do what is best for the children. How do you gauge when staying is harming the children?
The suggestions that worked for me were; Go to as many Al-Anon meetings as I could in 90 days starting from my first one; Keep coming back; etc. There might be Alateen in your area also and your daughter is old enough to start there. This program can put lives back together whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. It worked for me and it is the only suggestion that I have experience that works. Others will give you lots of their own ESH (Experience, Strength and Hope) and you can listen, learn and "..take what you like and leave the rest." (one of our Al-Anon philosophies.)
Keep coming back. I'm grateful that you found this sight and maybe the Al-Anon Program. It could save your life.
You may just be numb from too much pain - it works that way sometimes.
No matter what, getting yourself healthier is the best path. As time passes, and he does or does not sober up, the better you are, the better you will be able to know what to do.
I do not think anyone can tell you if you have fallen out of love with him.
I do think the question is a common one. I, too, felt no love for my husband for several years, right before I moved out (which was last July '07). I felt the numbness you speak of. I think that is a defense mechanism, at least that is what my numbness was all about. Perhaps the emotional pain we feel is far too intense for us to handle at times, so numbness sets in.
My recovering AH has been sober since August '07. So far he is doing great and back to being the person I fell in love with sooooooooo many years ago. The feelings of love for him have resurfaced. We see each other often; however, I have not returned home. We want to go to joint counseling first. Plus, he tells me repeatedly, that even though he wants me back home, he wants me to return without my doubts. Relapse is a big concern with me. I'm not certain I could go through a drinking binge again, nor what entails with moving out. So, whenever I think about my future, our future, I just close my eyes and do deep breathing and tell myself I will make the right choice when the time comes. Right now - my choice is to stay separated, even though it does tug on my heart when I leave him and our home.
Jerry suggested going to meetings - I seriously considered his suggestion. I think attending them will help you find your answers.
I felt that too after about the 10 millionth time. I think the only one who can answer that is you. You're either ready to quit with this or you're ready to keep hoping for change or living with it the way it is I guess.
I left and that has been good for me, it was hard at first but good now.
Welcome Alicia, I can tell you once a person really gets into alanon,they pretty much live the same with an using A or in recovery A. We work on us. Not them.
As far as your AH's behavior, he is controlled by a horrible disease. It is not a character flaw, most, when they say they want to change, are sincere. But it takes so many changes, not just quitting the drug.
What we can learn in Alanon is to detach. We love our A, however we hate the disease.
Myself I never stopped loving my AH. Still do, however he is so brain damaged from drugs and a surgery, I consider my aH to be dead.
LIving with an A we get sick too Alicia. The disease is so manipulative. You probably don't even realize how sick your family is.
It takes more than working on a marriage. It is like cancer, or any other disease, it takes a specific way of dealing with it. AA is wonderful. It helps the A to develop a program to deal with his or her own recovery, a very personal thing.
You involved in alanon gives your marriage a MUCH better chance of making it if he is in AA also. When we are sick, it is hard to figure out our emotions. I know from experience love is like a roller coaster, the work comes when it is the hardest. It is up to each person how much they want to put into it.
I would like to share my own story with you. My AH was sober from the time of our daughters birth until she was age 15 (she is now 20). When he first started drinking again I was so angry I screamed I yelled, I acted like a raving lunatic.
This went on for the past 5 years, as my attitude got progressively worse, his drinking got even more worse. The company he works for began to fail, and he moved into the basement like a hermit. He got worse by the day. He was finally forced into early retirement. Just more reason to stay in the basement and drink and drink and drink.
When I felt I had come to the end of my rope, I stumbled upon this website. I began to see that I could have hope even tho my AH has not stopped drinking. I got stonger every day and began to read Al-Anon literature. I attended my first f2f meeting, where I found others who were in the same situation as I was.
As I started reacting differently to his drinking, his attitude changed. He is still drinking, but no longer lives in the basement. We actually have some family time now, and can even spend time with friends.
But the best part is that I am getting better and stronger. My friends have remarked at how they can sense an inner peace and serenity about me. I highly recommend the book "Getting them sober", and also Courage to Change.
I stay with him because I love him and know the person he can be when he is not drinking. With help from my HP and ESH from my family in Al-Anon, I will continue to grow stonger and more healthy each and every day.
I would encourage you to keep coming back here to share and to vent when you need to. We are all here for you.
With love and Blessings,
Claudia
I would like to see my AH get into a program himself. He has gone to AA meeting a couple of times, but has not made any commitment for himself.
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Thank you and hugs to each of you. Your openess and willingness to share your personal experiences is so helpful. When I stumbled upon this site, it was like a good book I couldn't put down. I wanted to read and absorb everything. My AH and I had our first talk last night regarding this issue. I feel the guidance I found here helped to direct the conversation in a positive manner.
