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I'm new here as al-anon person but am a recovering alcoholic - clean and sober since 1986.
I am one of five siblings - sister sober fifteenish years, and three brothers; my older brother is a real out there alcoholic, my twin brother just does work and my baby brother does depression, obesity, food and other alcoholics. My sister is a bit of a co-de person too.
So I come from a pretty normal family!
What hurts is my brother who is still drinking. He has three daughters who he doesn't see, two from a failed marriage and one from a failed live-in relationship. The first mum is bitter, angry, toxic and we have pretty much lost touch with our two nieces - n certainly doesn't contribute or have much to do with them.
His youngest daughter is eight and is a delight. Bright, loving, charming, funny: everything you'd dream of in a child. He is now living in Eastern Europe, teaching English and rings home drunk, inconsistent, lying: you know, the usual. He doesn't contribute to his daughter's upbringing in any way other than the erratic phonecalls. This has been going on since the girl was 5. Last year I decided that I would make an effort to see her, to keep her in contact with my parents and the rest of family and so I visit, take her out, have her to stay for a day or two each school holiday. Not much but all I can manage as they are thirty miles away and I work full time. So why am I writing this.
It is so painful to see this child, to know what my brother is missing, to feel shame for him when I am with his ex.
I know it's not "my stuff". But my husband and I have not been able to have children and I HATE, HATE, HATE my brother for having three and treating them so badly.
And yet I know the disease. I know he's sick. But he is so deep in denial, caught up in his clever, cheap vodka geographical and I know what he could be - he is such a clever man underneath all the crap.
Sorry, this is blather. But I wanted to let it out. Some of it is self-pity - why no babies for me when I at least bothered to get sober, go to work, pay bills, visit family, make phone calls: do all the stuff that makes me part of a family. He once had the cheek to say to me we weren't a close family! He just isn't close enough to know!
If anyone read this far, thanks. I needed to get it off my chest
Hi Mishka, I am new too and I can understand where you come from in some ways your pain I share. After many years of trying we can't have children. However over the years I must be greatful in some ways we do not have children, we have our lovely little doggies, they are the light of both of our eyes and in so many ways just as much fun.
They keep me balanced.
Unfortunately I come from a family that were all drunks. My mother a gin in the water bottle lady, god rest her sole. My natural father, a mean evil drunk and one that loved to see us in pain, his favoriate, good old beer and a leather strap, my youngest brother, turns 13 and instead of having a relationship with a girl, found a bottle of scotch was cheaper to take out and have more fun with. Then I have big brother a cross between father and younger brother, temper to match, and taste which could never be satisfied. I haven't seen him now for 36 years, we live in au and he lives in the usa.
It is lonely being the outsider in your family. They all drink, and they all have had children, and I have not. I do not know if I missed the so called drunks gene or I just could never really bear the taste of the stuff. Maybe I am blessed and I do not know it. Not being able to have children is maybe a good thing. since I have a AH Drunk of a husband and me coming from a family of AH Drunks maybe I am saving them from being hurt. Maybe my hurt is in fact a blessing. I do not know. I have given up now being angry, toxic. No I do get toxic at times (shame on me). I don't hate, but I do express an opinion from time to time, however mostly to myself.
Living with a AH Drunk who is a master of mind games has taught me to express my opinions in my own space or when I go for a walk I talk to my hp, always feel so much better after a walk. We have a beautiful walking area and it is peaceful and I find being their is where I am closet with my hp.
Mishka we all need to talk, and we all need to share and thank you for sharing your story with me and letting me share mine with you.
Its a new day and I have watered the garden, and gone for a short walk, my AH Drunk is still sleeping it off from last nights binge. I only havew 6 more sleeps to go and he will be back at work again and I will have all day to myself to do things that make me happy.
God bless and take care Mishka, say a pray to your hp for the 3 children and maybe in a way you can find a way to be part of their lives.
In life I am trying to see new possible futures both with my A husband who will god willing be a Dry 'A'. For me I will hold out a hand, but if he does not want to hold it, there is nothing I can do.
I think it is great to be able to chat to others here because we don't have to be frightened anymore. I have been here several times and read many stories and that is the one of the reasons I joined, it safe and we all come to share.
possible future
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Difficulty is but a challenge to overcome. Get on with it, Build a Bridge and get over it. Better still tell someone that cares. Now that is deep but that is the state of mind I am in right now.
Good analogy, and you know what they say about those turds - better out than in. Sometimes it helps just to get those thoughts out there, so you can let them go.
Looks like the girl is getting positive family interaction from you, and that's the part that really matters.
I understand the "self pity" part - but mine has more to do with my A exBF seeing the world (and not alone doing it!). Have no idea why - but sometimes it just gets all over me. Here I am, raised a wonderful son on my own, show up for work every day, pay my bills - all the things a good girl should. Yet here I am - very untravelled, and ultimately alone. There' s the A, drinking vodka until the brain is completely soaked, sporadically employed....found a woman on the other side of the globe......moved to be with her.......and together they travelled the world TWICE.
But when I slow down and take a breath and compare our lives, I wouldn't trade mine for anything. He's now alone on the other side of the globe, and he's living in rehab, or halfway houses, or off the kindness of strangers. Mine may be dull.......but I've gotten some rich rewards in my life.
I gotta remember my gratitude list when I start to feel those "poor me" pangs.
You know, someone reminded me in a meeting recently that its totally OK to do the self-pity thing as long as you just "do it" and then stop!! If you can do that, its OK. Consciously "go there" set a timer and then stop and change the channel when your time is up. Its worth a try. I did this recently and it worked really well for me. I got to get my yaya's out about it, go there and work it through and then it was time to stop and move on. J.
Thanks for the replies: it is nice to feel heard and comforting to know I am not alone:without feeling glad for others' pain if you know what I mean. I do feel better for getting rid of the feelings: I've had a better day today, gone to work - I may be childless but I have hundreds of children at school - and they all go away at the end of the day. Yeah round3 it is bitter isn't it, to see the irresponsible ones off playing while we do the normal stuff, but I do remember, as a drinking alcoholic feeling such a terrible sense of hopeless envy when I watched people doing what I do now: paying the bills, going to work, doing the shopping, cleaning house. I thought it was as far away as Mars and yet here I am. My ordinary life was once beyond my wildest dreams.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I did it. I got sober. My brother can if he wants to, if he chooses to. I have no control over what he does. My oldest niece turns 16 this week. I am going to send a present and a note saying something like, if you want to know us, we are here, these are the numbers. (When I tried to get contact two years ago I got a hateful angry letter from the mum, blaming the whole of our family for not supporting her after my bro left her for the mother of my youngest niece - She said her girls didn't even know which auntie I was and they didn't want to know cos she asked them.) So now, the oldest is old enough to make her own choices I can just give her the number. This all means I can do what I can do and no more.
I've had the self pity and yes Jean4444 it is healing sometimes to feel it and purge it. Now I can get on.
