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My husband is an alcoholic and I am a non-drinking non-alcoholic. Our experience of alcoholism seems to differ markedly in a couple of respects from all the stories we've come across (both online and in AA / Al-Anon meetings and literature).
After 5 years of married hell I put myself through a recovery programme using a mix of Dr Phil's relationship rescue diagnostics / treatment book, sessions with a trauma counsellor and attendances at Al-Anon meetings. As a result of the postive changes in my life, my husband began to respond and our marriage grew wings and flew. What had been a horror relationship transformed into a fuly loving one. And I do mean fully loving - the sex was and is great.
Anyway, earlier this year he finally accepted he was an alcoholic and started going to AA meetings. At that stage we worked together to make and execute a recovery plan. He has now just about completed 7 days of detox and is about to enter an 18 week residency at a 12 steps-based rehab centre. Meanwhile I continue with the counseling and Al-Anon meetings.
Now - here's the rub. The centre is a long way from where we live and we miss each other like crazy. It's made bearable by knowing how far we've come and what we want at the end of it. the rehab centre seems supportive of keeping me involved as his "significant other" in that they've told him that I can stay overnight in one of the rooms when I visit him. So that's all good. BUT they have a zero tolerance towards sex between us while he is in residence. That simply does not float either of our boats.
We've made an appointment to discuss this with the centre director. But we'd like to go in with more info and understanding than we currently have.
QUESTION: Are there sound clinical reasons why sex between married couples is inadvisable during rehab? Shoot! We think it would be nothing but helpful to us as individuals and as a couple both during and after rehab. But what do we know? Any ideas?
Hmm, I never knew that there were rehabs that let couples have overnights. All of the rehabs I have heard of are completley focused on the A getting the 12 steps and doing what is necessary to maintain sobriety. The SO usually is told to take a backset in a sense and work on themselves. Sounds like you found a rehab that isn't scared to focus on the Family Disease Of Alcoholism. I wounder if the sex issues is because of cameras in rooms or distraction or the ability A's have to switch addictions? I don't know but I am wishing you and your AH a long, sucessful marriage.
He's doing something extremely hard, and needs to focus his energies on that, not on you. Think of his time in rehab as being like a trip to the hospital - he will be performing surgery on himself, and recovering. A little space will help.
The dynamics of a sober relationship are different from those of an active one. Life after sobriety is not just like before, but without the drinking. You may find that your sexual relationship is altered by his recovery. With commitment and flexibility, the two of you should be able to work through this, but it *will* need to to be worked through - if he stops drinking, some things will change, and you may not like all of them.
It's worth it, though. Even if his drinking has not taken a toll on your relationship (good for you!), it has taken one on his physical health. He has a fatal disease, and is now working on getting better. That is his priority.
Sorry anahera to have to admit it..but I got a good chuckle out of your first post.
If he is going to be in the facility, he, AND YOU, need to obey the rules. I also got a laugh out of seren's response about cameras. This very well may be...Thanks seren, for the thought.
Oh but I digress. Make this time a time of celibacy, keeping in mind how good it will be when he gets home. You'll make it.
Come back often. You are most welcome here.
Still grinning,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
