The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's me again. Trying to work on a self preservation recipe.
Why?
Well further to my inventory of myself, as required when one reaches Step 4 - "Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of self." - it all seems to be too late for me. I needed to do this twenty years ago.
However, my rational self says it is never too late and here I am therefore sharing with you, for when it stays in my head and I have no one to speak to it all becomes too much.
I have more negative points on my list than I do positive, however when I look closely at the lists it seems to me that the positive points should be able to overcome the negative defects of my character.
And I notice that I am far more forgiving of others than myself. So why is that? Why cannot I forgive myself my mistakes as easily as I can forgive others?
Does anyone else have this problem?
Half of me says it is because I am a 'scarredy cat'!
Half of me says it is because I have done so much damage by being the way I am that I do not deserve to forgive myself the way I can forgive others.
Well, now I have screwed my head up AGAIN, I have had to take a breather and consoldidate; this is what I came up with.
Self Preservation Recipe
A easy does it B one step at a time C just for today
It's as easy as A B C, and you got to go through this process EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, EVERY MOMENT.
IT'S WHAT THE PROGRAMME KEEPS SAYING AND IT IS AS THOUGH the light has been turned on, and I HAVE ONLY JUST GOT MY HEAD AROUND IT.
Hearbroken
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I can only speak for me HB... when step 4 got me to the source of my poor qualities - it was kind of an umbrella that covered most of them.
It was my ego. I had been spending my adult life trying to feed this insatiable monster. My focus was entirely myself & how other people effected it. I found it was not all about me, through recovery. People have their own problems too. They're out there suffering & being defensive too. I had gifts that were hidden, overgrown by the vines of ego & the resulting depression I suffered with from living an unfulfilled life. I recognized that the hole I was trying to fill in my heart could only be filled by God's love. Nothing earthly could do it... When I got away from myself... & Step 4 made me focus on myself... I got to see the big picture. I can help the people I love only when I got out of the downward spiral of my depression. I feel that people who are depressed cannot love in the right way.
Step 4 is the most incredible process. I found that my poor habits had a source. I eliminated the source & most of them went away. That allowed the best of me to bloom in the sunlight of good mental health. The sunlight, for me, was the love of my Higher Power whom I choose to call God
I felt this way durring my 4th step. It wasn't until I looked at those negative qualities and noticed that some of them were not all that negative until I took them to the ninth degree. It was then they became negative. I am an excellent caregiver...However when I quit taking care of myself and put my whole focus on minding someone else's business it became negative.
I took a break from it one day when I noticed I was writting all negative and took out a piece of paper and would only allow myself to write down positive points about myself. NO NEGATIVE TODAY!
There is no time limit for completion of your 4th step. Maybe slow it down a bit and be a bit more gentle on yourself. I know when I saw how I too played a part in the whole mess my family was in, I was heartbroken.
My sponsor also reminded me I had the tools of steps 1, 2 and 3. I was powerless to change the past, I could turn all of that over to my higher power and move forward into a gentler future full of forgiveness. Forgiveness not just for others but for myself too.
Step 4 was difficult, but the results for me were priceless. Take it slow heartbroken and stay in touch with your sponsor.
I am in the middle of step 4 - using the alanon book , Blueprint for progress. Actually I started it way back in June and every chance I get I put it off ~ especially now that I am up to "Relationship"... I - for some reason - just don't want to look at that.
Like yourself, I am finding way more bad things than good things about myself. Geesh. And I didn't like myself much BEFORE this process. My sponsor always has to remind me to take care of myself and to be gentle in this process.
I love music and there is a song by Alanis Morissette ... called "I am sorry to myself" -- I am pasting it below because I like to read this before I start work on my step 4 ... so that it puts me in the right frame of mind.
I hope it helps!
"Sorry To Myself"
For hearing all my doubts so selectively and For continuing my numbing love endlessly. For helping you and myself: not even considering For beating myself up and over functioning.
To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been cruler than I've been to me.
For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable For myself love being so embarrassingly conditional. And for denying myself to somehow make us compatible And for trying to fit a rectangle into a ball.
And To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been crueller than I've been to me.
I'm sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else. I'm sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
For blaming myself for your unhappiness And for my impatience when I was perfect where I was. Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready, And expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be.
To whom do I owe the first apology? No one's been crueller than I've been to me.
And I'm sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else. I'm sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest ? Forgetting you or forgetting myself... Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter, I would've naturally loved the former.
For ignoring you: my highest voices. For smiling when my strife was all too obvious. For being so disassociated from my body, And for not letting go when it would've been the kindest thing.
To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been crueler than I've been to me.
And I'm sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else I'm sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else. I'm sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else I'm sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else
Thank you Heartbroken and Dee. I am working up the courage to really start my 4 th step, and I cried when I read those lyrics. I will read them again when I get started.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
