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My A has had some kind of awakening. He is so remorseful ..... about everything. Only he wants to forget everything that has happened over the last three yrs since he's left us.
I'm about to lose my mind. He's here constantly, pushing, wanting me to say that everything is going to be okay, that he can come home, that we will work on "us" -- only I can't. I don't feel like I can do this. I try to tell him he can't wipe away 3+ yrs in just a few weeks. And it's more than just these last three years....and it's more than just me that this has affected....the kids are having the hardest time with him being here. But yet my daughter wants to lecture me on how he's "trying".
That is my biggest problem....the more he tries the more unglued I become. It's like trying to explain to him what he has done only makes me relive all the crap that I thought I was over. Then I want to just ream him. It's like a rage that flies all over me and I can't get a grip. The more sincere he is, the more truth he tells, the nicer he is ....the angrier I get. What the hell is that? It's like I want him to go away. Like I wish he wasn't being nice....so I could just accept that he was a lacking human being with a wicked drinking problem. I had become okay with that.
Now he wants to make it right, he wants me to trust and I just can't. I can't do this...and I feel like I am drowning when I'm around him.
For years I prayed that God would open up his eyes....that was my prayer. The other night when I just pushed him away he asked me "Tell me, haven't you ever prayed that God would open my eyes?" It stopped me cold. I said yes and he asked then why can't you believe this.--- because I'm human that's why.
So he's still drinking but determined to stop -- or as he put it only drink on occasion -- "whatever it will take" -- to work on us. Today he stopped by with a stand for me (which I love -- and is just like him to do something else nice) and when I hugged him he had the shakes. augh.
Part of me wants him to just go away. Then there is this other part that has wanted this for so long that I believed it was never going to happen. Now maybe he'll get sober? Just a maybe ...so why am I even letting this get to me.
Just when I got to a place where I had accepted life on life's terms.....the A changes everything yet again.... I want to yell, no no no...you can't do this now...I was just to the point that I was okay......God help me. I'm going to go nuts.
Seems to me if he is claiming to see the light, he would not still be drinking while trying to persuade you in to believing a miracle has taken place.
I can certainly understand why this irks you. It would be totally different if he had several months of sobriety under his belt which is much different then "trying".
There is no demanding trust after it has been destroyed. It has to be gained in babysteps. Just as all your wishing that he would stop drinking didn't ever force him to sobriety, neither will his wishing that all can be forgotten force you to trust..
I'd regroup with some new boundaries and make it clear that his pressuring you to trust him is NOT the way to build trust. It's funny how they don't want to speak of the past. That's just avoiding their demons, running from it instead of facing it and working through it. You aren't responsible for any of that Luna. That's HIS work to do. He seems to think if you forget it, it will all go away. But it won't. You don't have to change a thing unless you choose to. You can still have boundaries and leave his demons with him where they belong.
(I'm from the "Show Me" state) love ya Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I'd say he has NOT changed, if pressuring you to the point of harassment is his way of "demonstrating" his change. Seems like it is still all about HIM and what he needs from you.
I think your gut is seeing this all clearly, which is why you feel such an emotional uproar. Listen to your gut. On my domestic violence forum his behavior is called a "hoover", after the vacuum cleaner. It means all the nicey nice things done and said to SUCK YOU BACK IN.
It's not your fault you can't trust him.
All his "tries" don't feel right to you b/c he's still trying to regain control of what he feels belongs to him (read: YOU). Your body is telling you this loud and clear.
Detatchment to a greater degree seems in order hon! For your sake, and your peace.
Deep inside us all I believe there is a place that knows the truth. When we try to deny it by believing lies, that is where the craziness comes from. At least this has been my experience so far. Listen to that inner voice and try to trust yourself. I realized that just because he had changed tactics doesn't mean he had changed.
Take care of yourself.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I know that situation so well... and it is heart wrenching to say the least to hear what you want to hear. What tore me up more than anything was the conflict of it all. My heart wanted to take the words at face value... to trust that this was really it.
My gut and my brain just kept saying "whoa ... back the truck up!" Has she quit drinking... has she gone to any meetings... has she stopped being manipulative and self centered, or is this just a different way to do it.
I know my wife loves her old life... where she drinks and everyone walks on eggshells and taxi's her to entertainment... and pays for everything she could spend, heck who wouldn't. This new life comes with responsabilities, and it terrifies her.
She declares her undying love for me... then curses me as the man who did this to her in the same breath. She doesn't understand when I say I can't go to her place and hold her in the middle of a drunken hysterical fit... just because she says she loves me.
It is sad... and maddening for me at times. Meetings help, coming here helps. But I think a couple of things you all have given me help get me through... "Watch the actions not the words...", and "love without a certain justice is just not enough", and of course saying the serenity prayer about 1000 times a day.
I hope and pray that one day she does "see the light" as you say, but I can't plan my day to day activities on it, and certainly not my life.
My wish for you is clarity and peace, and I pray for you both tonight. Whatever the right thing to do for you... we have your back. ;)
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
*just when I had accepted life on lifes terms * Luna I have always been amazed that when we have made a decission to let them go , they know that things are different , they just know . and change tactics . They know when what they used to do no longer gets a reaction so they stop doing it . I am sure u have noticed that in the past. I hope for your husb sake he is serious I have learned here to watch what people do not what they say . support his efforts keep the foucus on you . when my husb and I separated many yrs ago our youngest son responded like your daughter defended him and wanted to know why his dad couldn't come back home like he wanted . I ask him if he remembered the way it was when his dad left , he said yes , so I asked if he wanted to live like that again ?as his dad was still drinking . Of couse he said NO . and he kinda sorta understood. This crap is so hard on our kids and it hurts when they do the guilt thing but because of my sponsoring alateen meetings I understand that kids just want thier parents together . its not about blame they just want thier family back . and they really do not understand the diff in the relationship u have with your husb and thiers as a father. and if your like me they probably don't know half of whats been done or said. * for me that was a good thing I believe its the only thing i did right back then * I never sharred what went on between thier dad and I . Not thier stuff The hardest boundry I ever set was Sober and AA or stay where you are . I cannot live with active alcoholism again . some see that as a control thing ,so be it but I knew I could't do it . I found out that I was going to be okay with out him and he found out that home was where he wanted to be and came to a place where he decided to do what he had to do to get here. Hsb was sober 20 yrs last month . Stay focused and regardless of what he does you will be okay .
