OK gang, now I get to tell you about some of my unhealthy behavior. It happened last night. I really don't know what to do about this and it upsets me terribly when it happens. I came home from work and made a salad for my husband and I and even brought it upstairs because we were going to eat in bed. Just a fun thing we do sometimes. Well, he was eating and just got kind of sloppy, a guy kind of way and said he was sorry, then he did it again and I stomped off downstairs. I was stewing downstairs. I know that it sounds kind of controlling and here it gets worse. I went back upstairs and he just sat there so I took my huge book and slapped it on our new dresser. It made an awful noise, still no reaction so I slammed the door. Naturally, it ticked him off. When I went back into see him he was mocking me, like saying in a squeaky voice, "what else can I throw to get my way" and tossed magazines. By the time he was done stuff was all over the floor. I grabbed the remote and changed the station. Then he went downstairs. I finally went down and apologized and he laid into me about how I can be so destructive and there have been times I have been. Once I threw dishes on the kitchen floor. I also turned over the computer screen. He was so mad and said he would not accept my forgiveness because I was being defensive. He slept downstairs and he didn't say bye when he left.

Now I tell you this because it lasted about 15 minutes. We were fine before and then boom! We do not fight very often but when we do it is like that. He will ignore me and it drives me crazy. He won't talk to me for awhile. He said he tries and I get too upset. He says he is not ignoring me, that he is trying to sort things out but it just does something to me. I feel so bad because I do feel that people have a right to take time away to think about things or just for whatever reason. But I have also seen the way he does other people and he just turns off, he will have nothing to do with them. I feel it is his way of punishing them and making them apologize. When we get like this it makes me think all kinds of things. I want to just leave, divorce, but I really don't. I am a maniac at the times he is mad at me. I am ready to go rent an apt and spend all my money and God, the things I think about. He said he doesn't know if one day I will come after him with a butcher knife and I said well, I don't know if you will walk out on me one day so we are even. But that is not so even now that I write it down. He was being dramatic but I don't want him to be afraid. He said it upsets him because his dad was so violent when he was younger. Well, my dad abandoned the family so we are hitting serious buttons everytime we fight. I cry like a baby when we fight or I won't and then explode days later.

I just don't know what to do. I tried to apologize last night because I know how things can escatate and I know it is more my fault but he won't accept so it will take awhile for him to get over. I can appreciate that but not talking just isn't the way to be. I have that huge test on Friday and I didn't even study after that happened.

We also got into a big argument the day my mother came to see us a month ago. He decided that day was the day to get all upset because I don't answer my cellphone. He never does that, just blow up but he was mad. I have to put my cellphone on vibrate at work so I forget to turn it back on when I get out. So he calls and I don't get it. He wrote me an email telling me he was not going to call me again and that he was not going to take his cellphone with him anymore either. That he was always worried about me but since I am not about him he was going to quit. Then we got into it when my mom was here and it was just a mess. I couldn't help but cry. He does still call me and he keeps his cellphone with him now. I can't feel too bad about my mom, she and my dad used to get in knock down dragouts when we went to see my grandmother. I was always afraid we would have wrecks on the way and then they would fight the whole time we were there.

I am so confused. These are the times I feel my weakness, my past just slam me in the face. I know if I had grown up in a healthy famliy I would not react this way. I feel so scared and lonely when he is this way and it doesn't make sense. He is still there for me, I still live in this nice house. He is very committed to me. He has told me that just because we are in an argument doesn't mean that is the end. I am just terrified of being tossed out, left, alone. My husband is like the house is half mine, he can't kick me out but I can't help it.

Anyway, this is my confession. I knew I would act out soon enough and you would get to see my true colors. I hope you don't think I am too awful. I am going to try and just be calm today. I am not going to bother him at work, just give hime space. It is hard but I can't deal with it anyway. When we fought over the cellphone issue I had to leave work early and almost had a panic attack. When I say these things I have to also mention that most of the time I am very strong, very together. I am not a nutcase. I have come along way. My husband and I love each other very much, we are very committed to our lives together. to our future. Most of the time we get along really well. But these outbursts are devestating to both of us. I know he is as upset as I am. He won't even eat when we argue. He just goes into a shell. I just wish I knew what to do. We have tried talking it out and even try to come up with solutions but that is easier to do when you aren't angry and hard to put into practice when you are.

Anyway, I will stop now. I didn't mean to write a book. I am a writer in my heart and soul. For those of you who read all this I appreciate you so much. My heart is sad and lost right now. I know it will be ok but I just wish I could change. Any advise would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Bella