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Hi everyone! I am new here and need advice from those who have walked in my shoes. I realized about 15 years ago that my DH is an A. His drinking goes in cycles and is currently on the rise again. I want to better understand what it means to be an enabler. There are some obvious ones, like buyting their beer, lying to the their boss, covering missed bill payments. Those I understand and have never done. But I just want to be sure I am not enabling him in other ways. For example, if some friends (who like to drink) invite us over, I tend to make excuses to them and him - too busy, whatever. Is that enabling? Should I just say "as much as I would love to get together with you, I know he would not be able to control his drinking . . . " And should I say something similar to my A? I never do because he is an angry drunk. I tend to keep my mouth shut about everything when he is drinking. The other thing I struggle with is that I have to be sure that I am always available to drive my busy kids around. I can not count on him to be able to. I never discuss why i GO TO SUCH LENGTHS TO be available or why I decline his offers to pick them up (when he has been drinking) - it would just make him angry. But he has no business drinving them around. Is my "keeping the real reason to myself" considered enabling? I'm worried that keeping my mouth shut so that I don't anger him more is enabling his drinking.
I used to think that saying something that I knew would be upsetting to him would cause him to drink. Of course I know now that he'll either drink or he wont no matter what.
You can't cause someone to do something they really don't want to do. I guess this is really a personal opinion question and I'll give you my experience with this. I don't try to spare his feelings anymore.
You say DH in your post does that mean that you are divorced and not living together any more? I would definitely tell him I don't want you picking up the kids when you have been drinking that's a boundary for you and them, not him. He can get angry all he wants, I always liked the saying it's none of your business what they think of you... I wouldn't get into it if he started getting angry and yelling I'd walk away or hang up.
As for others I don't think you need to tell him he's an A they most likely already know so if they invite him they invite the results right? If you want to go then I'd go but I would in NO way be responsible for or deal with his behavior should it erupt.
You can only control you which means as long as you aren't being mean and hateful just honest, then that's reasonable in my mind. I know I used to think that saying something he didn't want to hear or got angry over WAS hateful but it's not it's just the truth.
Hi... I don't see any of those things as enabling behaviors whatsoever. Sounds to me like you have a good grasp of what is enabling, and what is not.... I think enabling is best described as "doing something for the A that they could do for themselves, to the detriment of you".
Driving the kids around yourself is coping, and we NEED to do such things when living with an A.
Avoiding controversy with the A, when he is drunk, is also coping....
Now enabling might be if you DO go out with those friends, and your A acts like a drunk, and then you make excuses for it afterwards..... A's need to feel and own the consequences of their behaviors.
Take care tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I wouldn't call it enabling, in that it does not contribute to his drinking. But it does take the burden (reason) away from him, and put it on you. Keeping it to yourself may or may not have an impact on his behavior - but what is it doing to you? It sounds like a lot of work.. and it is!! That's the question you need to ask yourself - is this benefitting you, and your children, in any way? If the "secret" were let out, it might be unpleasant. But just that one time... keeping it in is something you have to keep doing, again and again.
CarolinaGirl, no we are not divorced/seperated. Although the more he drinks, the more I entertain the idea!
It gets so frustrating as I've read different posts/articles over the years. It seems like "it" never goes away. It just goes into remission. I often ask myself why I am wasting my time with him. He has also struggled in his career and is currently unemployed (again). It will be a year in January. I've always made more than him, so I often wonder if he is sabatoging his career so that the financial burden is completely on me. Sometimes they are such idiots! LOL!
During his angry drunk time, I have often told him that I will not engage in conversation at the moment because he is drinking. It is completely unproductive. I've also told him in the past (when it was really bad) that I would not live like this - that he needs to stop. I'm at the point now that I need to decide how "bad" I will allow it to get this time before I threaten to throw him out.
Barisax, so if I understand you correctly - me not saying something puts the burden on me and not on him as it rightfully should be? In other words, I am not making him accountable for his actions?
One other question for you readers: For those of you with children - how much do you talk to them about your A's drinking? I have a 12, 15 and 18 year old. A few years ago I decided it was time to coach them all on how important it is for them to NOT get in the car with my A when he has been drinking. I asked my oldest to be prepared to jump in and offer to drive the other two if he detects a problem. Unfortunately he is now off to college, so I have no backup. Anyway. Just wondering how much others have said to their kids. Seems to be a balance between keeping them safe and not giving them something to "worry" about . . . . This stinks.
I do not spare my AH's feelings anymore either. If he creates a situation that his feelings get hurt, and I do anything to cover it from him then, yes, I feel that is enabling. I believe he is more than capable of dealing with his own feelings and the problems he creates.
I agree with Tom that driving the kids around is coping, however, hiding the fact that you have something to cope with (ie: he's drunk and you can't count on him) is lieing and hiding the consequences of his behavior. The consequence being that he doesn't get to be involved with his kids activities because he is out of control. Taking the burden of knowing this away from him, I feel, is enabling. You can't be responsible for his feelings. Just my opinion.
I agree with Barisax as well that keeping this "secret" for you is a huge burden. I see it as a form of lying and lies chip away at our sense of what is normal and right and are a bad example for the kids too.
Of course one must be tactful, you can't bring it up when he is drunk, esp if he is an angry drunk. As Tom says, avoiding confrontation with an angry drunk IS coping. If you want to discuss something with him he needs to be sober. A couple of days, if possible, is better than the next morning or a few hours later.
Hope this helps.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I just read your response and question about the kids. I believe the best defense our children have aganst this disease is honesty and all your kids are old enough to know the unvarnished truth and learn detachment. That doesn't mean you drag them into your marital problems, but that they understand that this is a disease and that he is very sick and the only way to get better is for him to love himself enough to save himself. I explained to my son one time that if he had a disease and his Dad could do something to help him get better, he would go to the end of the earth and give his life to help him get better, but Dad does not love himself like that. He has to learn to care about himself to get better.
They need to know that, because they already know something is wrong (kids are much more observant than we give them credit for) and they need to know they can't do anything about him, but can keep themselves safe and healthy. It is also dangerous to their future relationships to normalise his behavior.
Alateen would be a good resourse here if it is available. My sons are 7yrs and 21 mos. I have been very honest with the 7 yo on a level that he can grasp.
This is just my humble opinion. Take what you like an leave the rest. I'm glad you found us.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I do not spare my AH's feelings anymore either. If he creates a situation that his feelings get hurt, and I do anything to cover it from him then, yes, I feel that is enabling. I believe he is more than capable of dealing with his own feelings and the problems he creates.
Jen,
Wow! You have a gift for explaining this so plainly! I have been so worried about being upfront with him about this, but your explanation gives me the courage to calmly and respectfully express my feelings! It is completely logical for me to do that!
You did mention that I should avoid this when he is drinking. Although I don't think that will be easy. There have been times when he has offered to pick the kids up (while he was drunk) so I wouldn't have to leave early from choir practice . . . he started to get angry when I kept insisting that it was OK, I could just leave early. I have to wonder how he would respond if I just told him the simply truth: that I didn't think it was a good idea for him to be driving since he had been drinking . . .
It is sad that he is supposed to be the "protector" of the family . . . and we find we have to protect ourselves from him.
My daughter and I have had some great conversations on all this. In fact tonight I was telling her that I want her to understand that this is not normal! That I do not want to see her get in a relationship with someone who is angry and verbally abusive. I've told her about Alanon and Alateen. She is encouraging me to go to a F2F meeting. I'm just not sure how my A would react to it . . .
hi Steadfast - welcome. i have come to give no less and no more than I get. I won't insulate him from my feelings if i have to hear about his reactions or opinions. it has been liberating for me. i'm going to an al anon meeting. bye. then he can work it out. really, it's more than i get if i'm expecting him home and he's decided to check into a bottle that night. i also think the less i play along with his illusion of control over us in the home, the less enabling I am. this is a man i still love, so it's done with truth with love. well i love myself, too. with love for both of us. welcome again. i hope you can find your way to a f2f meeting - lifesavers for me! Jill
It is very sad that we cannot trust them to take care of the family. I struggled with accepting this for a long time. My image of the family was a strong provider. I guess that is a bit naive.
Now I realize and accept that there are some things I will never be able to trust him with ever. I will never trust him to have a joint checking acct, credit card, etc. He could be sober for 20 years and have a slip and go through our entire savings in a matter of days or weeks, before I even knew it. I do not ever want to go through that again. All accts will be protected from him for our protection and his.
I know this sounds kind of harsh, but he and I have talked about it. Its just our reality. I have accepted it and he is working on it.
I also still don't really let the kids go anywhere with him. He is very good at hiding his drug use and so I can never be sure if he is using. Although I'm getting better at knowing the signs. I have gotten to where I will occasionally leave them at home with him now, but only for a couple of hours or so at a time. My oldest has seen some pretty crazy behavior from him that I was completely unaware of until recently as my AH has started coming clean about his behavior. I just don't want them exposed to it anymore.
Well this short response kind of turned into a book. Sorry.
Hope you will find that f2f meeting soon. And its not really your problem how he wants to feel about it. They are his emotions to deal with.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Yeah, it sucks that you need to fear his reaction - an angry drunk is a scary thing, and avoiding that is reasonable, I think. Eventually, though, you have to face what this avoidance is costing you, and if it is worth the price. That is something that I think every person has to come to for herself.
I remember once, years and years ago, we were in family therapy for a while. I was telling the therapist something, in one of our private sessions, and he said "you need to tell your husband this". I said "I can't, he'd be mad". The therapist answered "So what?" I just sat there, staring at him. The gulf between me and someone who was not scared of my husband's anger was so great, it was impossible to even imagine how to answer him.
Looking back I would have to say that fear of my husband's drunken anger was in many ways the guidling principle of my life, for many years. I never really did get a good handle on it - before I had got there, he sobered up, and it became possible to risk his anger. All those years cost me a lot, though, in self respect, and confidence.
