The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
And I know you guys will understand, thanks for that!!
AH was gone for 2.5 weeks.....away on business. Life at home was good, tough being a single parent, but ok. When he returned this weekend, tension filled the air, he was not nice to me and it was difficult for me to be nice back.
He intended to go to an AA meeting while gone but said he was too busy, he resumed meetings saturday am. He has been sober for about 4 months. He just seems to be in denial, and blaming me for it all. I remaied calm and repeated 'I did not cause this" he just went on and on about how horrible l am. All I could think about was how ill this disease has made him and if he were really healthy he would not be saying these things.
He brought up separating/divorcing and is convinice I've been thinking the same thing. Actually I told him no I have not been thinking that, that I still have faith and hope that he will recover enough to make our marriage work, and the fact that I still have on my wedding ring should cofirm that for him. He has not worn his ring for 6 or 7 weeks, and always had in the past.
I have felt sick all day, and now am not looking forward to going home. how sad is that???
Please tell me that this is all part of it....that I'm not foolish for continuing to hope for the best. Thanks for your support!!
hi cst, sounds like a dry drunk 2 me. they say it takes two years of complete sobriety and then another three after that (all that time sticking with the program, having a sponsor, etc.) for them to get their heads screwed on correctly and even then, its no promise. keep you expectations very low and find some great ways to make yourself happy and positive. Attend F2F meetings several times a week, if you can. Get a sponsor if you do not have one. Work the steps- focus on YOU and not him. He need to focus on this program and himself. You are so correct to know that its the disease talking, it is. He may chose divorce in the process of this- again in really weird way his anger, mean-spirited ness has nothing to do with you (I know that is hard to believe, it is for me, anyway). It is a projection of how much he hates himself and is angry at himself. But no one can tell him that. he needs to figure it out. Its between him and his HP. Its got nothing to do with you. Some of us can handle this really rough ride, some of us cannot. I ride it all the time. I am learning to focus on things that make me happy and doing what I need to do to feel good: I went back to school to get a couple masters degrees. I go to the beach. I exercise, take a pilates class, etc. I get a pedicure once in awhile. I go do things with my girlfriends and sister and niece- we go to the movies, whatever. I attend at least 2-4 al-anon meetings a week which have totally saved me and which I am totally grateful for. Get and read the literature, get into service, attend assemblies, Attend open AA meetings (not the ones he goes to). Invest in yourself at this time. learn as much as you can about the family disease of alcoholism. Focus on yourself and let him be with his program and his HP. Good luck- if I can manage to deal with it, you can too!
Wendy Your husb is Stark Raving Sober , don't get caught up in his none drinking . Sober is not easy for either of us so much change , and as for being blamed for everything that has gone wrong , ignore it .four months is not along time in sobriety . I hope u are attending al anon f2f meetings for yourself u need support , he is not the only one who has to change . Don't take on his anger leave it with him where it belongs , your not responsible for his drinking nor are u responsible for keeping him sober , it's simply not your job. Until he is ready to take responsibility for his own well being not much will change for him . Nothing u say or do will cause him to drink again that will be a choice he makes , unexceptable behaivor drunk or sober is unexceptable period . Set boundaries for yorself and find the courage to stand by them . Louise
Thanks for your relpies, the words of encouragement are welcomed! So, if I am understanding this all I just need to remain calm, strong and non judgemental while he directs his rage at me?? Just let him vent at me so to say??
When I came home from work yesterday he had set up a bed in our lower level, he is now sleeping there. I am more and more confused today, I feel like this is where I say....This too shall pass......
Thanks for all your insight.....you are all amazinly strong people!
If I were you and I know I'm not, I would just go on about my life as if he wasn't there. Be kind but distant and live my own life. If he got nasty I would walk right out the door and not tolerate it. It may end up that he files for divorce because he is so unhappy with himself. It's a lot easier to blame you than himself but if you aren't standing there taking his rage and just walk away then all that's left is him. Seems like a good boundary. Sounds like you were happier when he was away on business - just my observation.
Hi cst, NO you don't have to 'take it' when he unleashes on you. Drunk or sober, that kind of behavior is unacceptable.
Can you make him stop it? No. But you still don't have to put up with it, ever. Judge him all you want, it is denying YOUR reality to refuse to acknowlege he is being nasty or abusive verbally.
What I used to do was leave the room, or the house if need be. I set a boundary for what I felt was inappropriate behavior. I could do nothing to stop him from behaving a certain way, but I could remove myself from his tirades and nonsense and hurtful comments. I told him 'if you speak to me that way, I'm going upstairs.' I abandoned making dinner a couple of times! Or movies we were watching, or some task we were doing together. I just couldn't take it anymore.
