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With the holidays upon us, I am already in a sweat of anxiety. Up until now my son, his ex, and the grandbaby have spent time together with us on all holidays. Recently their relationship has become increasingly nasty . Nothing has been planned for this year, but I am desperately trying to think of a way out of it already. The emotions between the two is fraught with nastiness. I walk on eggshells to try and get through each event. If I do say I prefer to NOT get together this year or make some other kind of plan (say just leave town for the day and eat at fast food!!), my son will be alone. The grandson will not have a family experience, and he is quickly becoming aware of the tension among us, I think. So how do we do this? Does anyone out there have a similar situation? Perhaps ex DIL will just say she is going to be with friends this year; if so, we will have problems with our son and his grief over not having his family together. If so, we will also be alone....I don't exactly relish that idea. So it is a anxiety filled time for me again. In this whole drama we have been living for the past two years, every day is anxiety filled. A huge emotional mess. If we do get together as we have before, I guess I can gut it out and make it through somehow. I have done that this year for mother/father's day, three birthday celebrations....the ex DIL refused to celebrate her birthday with us at the last minute because she got angry with my son. I had planned the meal, baked a cake and a pie (the kind she requested), and bought gifts. I just handed the baked items over to her along with her gifts. It was all very sad and very immature. So any words of wisdom for me? As I read through this, it makes me feel incredibly stupid!
Hi Oma, thank you for your post and it is not at all stupid!!! Its completely valid and so many of us struggle with similar issues at this time of year- its so hard. This family disease is so devastating. i do not have answers for you but I just wanted to say that your post was not stupid. I am on the verge of breaking out into a sweat, too! Thanks giving is only a few weeks away- yikes! actually i have made some good plans (for once) and am confident it will not be gruesome as it has been so often in the past. Would'nt it be nice to just have one nice simple enjoyable holiday for once? Is this too much to ask, I wonder?!
All I can offer is to keep the expectations low. This would NOT be the year to go for the Martha Stewart Christmas.
Simple meals, low key gifts without a lot of emotional baggage attached, plans for activities that can be easily expanded to include more people, or abandoned altogether without regret or financial hardship (everybody into the back yard for a snowball fight, as opposed to dinner for ten at the restaurant where you need to make reservations three months in advance...)
And remember - just because THEY are involved in a lot of drama does not mean that it has to be YOUR drama. Your holidays are not ruined because someone else had a fight, or if you have to see your grandchild on a different day than the 'big' day.
Wouldn't it be neat if everyone focused on giving the grandbaby a great joyful holiday? Any chance of doing something for kids like a party for his playmates? Hard for some of us to be mature and not have the focus on us and our issues. Good luck.
Thanks for the supportive remarks. I will continue to mull this all over. I think much of our problem is such a small family...my hub and me, our son, the ex, and the baby. We and she have family in other states far away. So it is a lonely kind of life for sure. I think Christmas will be easier than Thanksgiving as the grandbaby will be center stage and we can all handle that. Anyway, the best idea for me is to lower the expectations and keep it simple. I tend to dwell too hard on things, blow them up, enter the drama, etc. No matter how hard I try, it keeps happening. But I know what I need to do and now I just have to actualize it and tend to myself rather than trying to control it all.
I like the idea of focusing on the grandbaby just for the day. The other option you have is to donate your time to feeding the homeless, visiting the elderly, etc. In years past when the family situation hasn't been "ideal" that's what I've done. I found it took the focus off the negative situation and put back where it belongs, giving back. It made me feel very good. Just a thought.
Love and blessing to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I remember last year I SO dreaded the holidays! and my dread became reality for the most part. Thanksgiving was AWFUL, Christmas was fair but I didn't want to be around the A for either one. I'm not even giving it a thought this year. I have no intention of even talking to him about it other than NO if he asks. It's just me and the kids, I have no family here and I'm just winging it. I'll consider it a few days off to do whatever we want! 2 of the kids don't eat turkey so that's out so usually we just have a feast of goodies we all like and watch movies. Sounds good to me. I think your situation will get better as time goes on and people move on with their lives. It's hard to say though but it sounds like there's still a lot of anger and resentment. If I had the A's grandparents around I would either go there and be pleasant for the day, not go at all or split the days - most people get 2 days off for Thanksgiving. Is this girl completely incapable of having an adult conversation about the grandbaby?
I can completely understand what you mean. My kids are old enough now that they ask questions when people aren't in our lives that used to be. I finally had a good holiday season last year because I changed the way I was looking at things. This year will be completely different. I moved here to be with my A and now we aren't together. My kids will be out of state with their father for Christmas. So I will be here without any family...emotionally I am trying to prepare myself for it. I am trying to keep my expectations down and rely on the friends I have made to help me through this season. My A had promised to be with me for the holidays but I cannot count on that. His family that I have grown so close to will be with him. I am trying not to be bitter. It hurts a lot! Here I am venting my feelings and not helping you with yours. I guess my point was being the other half of a family, have you tried to have her simply bring your grandson? Even if it is for a few hours, they will be quiet hours spent with your son and grandson without the drama and high emotions associated with his ex. I know I didn't want to spend time with my exIL but I would never deny them their grandchildren. I hope she can see how she is hurting everyone, her child included and stop being so selfish.
