Hi everyone, I just wanted you to know that I have found since I have been on this site that I have started thinking about you all, your words, your suffering and your comfort. It has made me want to come back and read up on how each of you are doing. You are becoming so interesting to me. I also feel part of you, that saying "you are not alone" really applies. I am not going to regular meetings now. My life is what you would consider "normal" looking in a glass ball at it. But in my mind I still have such thoughts, terrible thoughts that plague me. The coming holidays with family and a call from my dad after a year started the whole cycle again. I just get so upset on the holidays but since I have been coming here I don't feel that fear. I want to be part of my family or maybe it is more I feel I have to, that I am obligated. But to be honest I don't enjoy being with them. I end up just feeling so bad, so incredilby awful after spending time with them. They aren't awful, they have their own issues but they are good people, it's just there is so much baggage and some are in recovery and some are not. But I just feel awful and I just don't want to do it this year. I don't know how not to have this happen. The last fiasco was my brother's wedding. My sister cussed me out twice, told me I have always been the princess and that she just wants to say how she feels and she was so mad and mean about the whole thing. It was supposedly over my walking over to some shoes for she said "20 minutes" and she found that completely unacceptable. I just don't understand. I kept telling her she is my sister and I love her. I said I really didn't feel this was worth arguing about, I was just looking at some shoes but she was enraged. She is in recovery but since me and my brother got married she has pretty much acted like she can't stand me. She told me one time that she would be ok if something ever happened to me but would go to pieces if something happened to my brother. It is so strange. She was very supportive of me before I got in recovery. She would take care of me if I left my AH or whatever I needed. But now that I am in recovery and in a healthy relationship she doesn't want anything to do with me. She doesn't really talk to me about it except when she blows up like that. I have asked her, written her and told her whatever it is that I will love her and she can talk to me but nothing. Now like in everything there are two stories. I am sure I am not angel and I am sure she would have alot to say but my thought is that we are family and years are passing by with this anger that I just don't feel is healthy. I have cried and told her I love her and really want to know what is wrong but she told me nothing. She has always been alittle hard to get close to but we were always very close. I always needed her then. Now, it isn't like I need her to take care of me but I would love to have my sister. I have laid awake many a night so upset over this. I don't know what to do. I have weeped many tears over this. This is hands down the hardest part of being raised in an Alcoholic home. It is the worst baggage I have. I took care of her and my brother as a child. I have this mother/daughter feeling with her. Then she had to take care of me because of all my unhealthy relationships. Then I find someone in recovery and she turns on me. I can only think that might be it. I don't know. I am as confused as ever. I will probably write more about this later but I have to go to work. Darn, I hate to cut this short. Thank you thank you for being here.
Bella