The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First I was going to start a new topic related to Carolina's post about thinking and our kids. Like when one of mine told me not to blame it all on my AH when I answered questions from the younger siblings because I was sick first. I said what?!? Sort of a chicken and egg story - yes I was undiagnosed for depression but did this get worse & unmanageable with the chaos of living with AH? So I can't cause it, cure it, control it but I haven't helped because of my own weaknesses.
Second,I had planned to write the above as if I had it all figgured out and I have for the most part so that I am not focusing on my past errors but trying to not make some of the same mistakes again. But I realise I really don't have it all figgured out because I keep learning new things from Al Anon, this wonderful MIP board, aware I have thinking errors and new life experiences.
BUT, this is where I see I am "doing it again". Writing as if I am doing ok which I think is being optimistic but I am pretending to myself and minimizing things to others. why? old habit? too proud? beats me?
Third, I read an entry in the Courage to Change book that hit me hard - about someone who makes jokes, makes others laugh, and ultimately doesn't really share what they are really feeling. I feel like I do my own share of whining, for sure, but just realizing when it gets too close to my soul or sensitive spot of what will others think of me or something, I make a quip to deflect the attention (that I need & want?) or afraid of being honest with myself - why? or honest with others - they may brush me off as unimportant, ........ starting to hear some old labels (as a child) in my head: over emotional, immature, she won't mind.... hmmmmmm??
So I am trying to be real and open right now...... this is very uncomfortable and I am pushing myself to write......
My AH was gone on business trip for 9 days and I was on my own and managed famously by pacing myself so I could do what 4 kids need done. He is a functioning A who has cut back dramatically but cycles as he binges for coping with stress. Transitions of single parent to two parents is rough to begin with. Easier when AH is gone because when present I can't depend on AH for sure anyway, invisible to AH, lonelier when not alone...... So once he returned I was still too busy, too overtired parenting and invisable for 4 days when I got whiney and wacky complainer, forgot most al anon tools, sleep deprived - his typical response - no acknowledgement. Later learned he is proud he has learned to listen and not problem solve for me. Asked if anything else he wanted to say, yup- he had a business phone call in 5 minutes. I was in so much pain my body ached. Next morning, he reminded me that it was garbage day. Silent anger, resentment, and hopeless feeling that I can not really continue to live in such an unemotional void. I feel and know this is going to bring me to an earlier death because it is so toxic to who I am. But afraid & don't want to lose the family structure; external public view is of a successful, good provider; and then there is the financial concerns for myself alone. Not good choices and it hurts me so deeply emotionally that it brings me physical pain. I can say no more as I want to erase this and make light hearted quip and lie that I am ok when I am not..........
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Yet another one of the things I had not anticipated about Alanon was that it would be a place where it was safe to feel and speak my feelings. And that feeling my feelings, saying them out loud, hurt like h*** but was actually a healthy thing to do, because it got the feelings outside of me, where they were poisoning me.
I see your avatar, and I think - maybe this isn't just you with your kids. Maybe Hobbes can be your HP, and Calvin can be you. Climb on in.
I too masked my true feelings for most of my life. Safer that way, or so I thought. Big "nervous laugher" here too! Tried to diffuse tense, uncomfortable situations with laughter. That is one of the things I work on daily.
Being honest with myself seems to be harder even than honesty with others sometimes. But as I learn more about me through working the steps of this program it is getting a little easier one day at a time.
One other thing I try to do is not be too hard on myself. Be patient with me. And that slogan "fake it til you make it". There is much merit in that for me. In the beginning of my being in this program, that one sorta stuck with me, and I would try to immitate the positive, healthy attitude that I witnessed in those people that had more recovery and possessed true peace and happiness in their lives. "Practice makes progress" I read in one of our readers last nite. So true. The more I imitated that positive attitude, the more it started to sink in and become real.
