The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After an incredibly difficult year full of lows, new lows, frustration, struggles and more, I find it hard to be at a place of acceptance. I konw this is for me the core of my program. When I was struggling with how to cope with the A acceptance was far from my grasp. I raged, grieved, raged, grieved and raged some more then I slipped into a terrible depression, then I raged and greived some more.
I find it very hard to accept being poor, being limited, having to claw my way back to financial security, having to start over on so many levels. I am clear that I gained some from the relatoinship with the A. For me it was a bottom in a whole long series of bottoms. I got to the point of being able to say No in my life. I also got to come here and that is such a blessing.
I sitll want to bargain, dream fantasize about being rescued (even though I know rescue is a two way street - to some extent the A rescued me in the begining and I know where that got me) go into denial, blamed, shame and agitate about where I am. Only when I am accepting of my present place am I able to negotiate some change. I know I am in for a lonely holiday season but I am already reating plan a's and b's which is not something I did before. I am wiling to get out of the cripplling isolation I've been in but know its a long job and one full of blid allies and more. I am willing but I'm not there yet.
When we look back over our shoulder briefly, we can see how far we have all come - some lots farther too. It can be empowering and strengthen us to face the future with plan a and plan b etc. Hopeful and yet realistic too. Aware of the dreams, fantasy, reality is a giant step from the past we all seem to relate to easily enough.
I am still feel so new that after some progress, then back to ranting and raging - I tend to beat myself up but your post has reminded me that it is not a straight path but one with lots of starts and restarts - thanks for your sharing, it has helped me today.
One great thing about holidays is starting new traditions and doing only those you love to do for you. Blessings~
Hugs from ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
