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I recently ended my engagement b/c my SO is an alcoholic. In the past year the drinking has become completely out of control. He no longer bathes, changes his clothing or takes care of day to day living. The drinking starts at 9 AM and goes until he passes out. Generally after 10 PM. My problems in dealing with this are these:
Why wasn't I enough to make him quit (the end of our engagement came b/c of an ultimatum, me or beer)?
Did he love me at all? Or did the alcohol make me convienent?
I am having a hard time moving past this...after all I ended it but I want to know he's okay without letting him back into my life.
Are there any books you can suggest to help me understand things and heal without doubting my decision? I am also having a strange aversion to people that drink...is that normal?
hello shelly , your questions tell me your not thru yet ? Love has nothing to do with his drinking ,this is a disease and at the moment it is running his lfe . Ultimatums never work , tears don't work , threats don't work ,your trying to force him to choose at the moment he can't . What can u do > read ? please find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself ,learn all u can about this disease and how it affects your life , learn to set boundaries for your relationship , talk to people who understand where your at and will help u walk thru it . I believe the best way to help and support is to have our own program . Al-Anon prints several books that will help u recover . they can be purchased at meetings locally . Louise
Welcome Shelly! Al anon can help you sort through all of these feelings. I would suggest reading the AA Big Book, it describes the disease of alcoholism. Pay special attention to "Chapter to the Wives." Also, the book "How Al anon works for family and friends. And, the website "Getting them Sober."
Find some face to face meetings in your area. They don't call alcoholism a cunning and baffling disease for nothing. It sickens everyone around the addict. I applaud your strenght to take care of yourself and your future by coming to terms with the situation before you got married. I wasn't that brave and I am paying the price.
Keep coming back, this site is a wealth of healing. Babysteps
Nothing is enough to make them quit. Not even their own liver failing. I've already had two best friends die from it and they were strong, smart individuals. Not their children, not themselves, not even if you gave them a million dollars. Nothing. Eventually their body needs that alcohol for them to not feel like death. My friend tried so hard to quit only to have seizures. So it does come to a point where it is medically nessasary for them or they could die.
If he said he loved you then he probably really did. They love in their own way. I would believe he did but they can not balance a functioning, working, caring relationship with another human being while alcoholism is in the picture. This is why it tears families apart. I think it's normal for us to feel that the life we led was all a lie. I don't think it was a lie. That's just my opinion.
In my opinion I think you are very VERY smart and VERY strong to walk away. Don't doubt what you did. You are worth loving, I think everyone is. Sometimes we are given tasks in life that help us in the future. Take this as a lesson and know what you DON'T want in your next relatinship. You are lovable. ^i^
You are perfectly normal and I'm sorry that you had to go through this. Everyone here has been through similar things. I think it's great that you recognized that you couldn't save him and walked away rather than continuing to try to "fix" him. Try to get to a face to face meeting and share your pain.
I think we women have such a hard time b/c we are natural born caregivers. We want things to be o.k. and to help make them better if we can. Something that stuck out to me in your post is that "I want to make sure he's o.k. w/o letting him back in my life", while this is a natural tendency and desire--(I would want to do the same with my A!!!!) unfortunately we have to understand that we can't worry about them, we can't fix them, make it all o.k., and typically even what we think would be a big "AHA--I get it now" moment for them doesn't turn out that way. Wish the best for him, want the best for him, but try to understand that until he gets so bad off to him--not us-- then probably nothing will change. This could mean some horrific things happening to him in the future!!! None of which you could stop even if you did stick around!!!!!!!
read the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews or Toby Drews Rice (I always forget the order of the name). That is a wonderful book!
Take care of you!! Find a meeting in your area if you can--shoot go to open AA meetings. I think those are great too! It will never make perfect sense to us, let's face it, but there are ways in which we can deal with it better.
I know this is such a hard time for you and I too am sorry you have had to go through this!! Just take it a step at a time, a day at a time, a moment at a time, whatever helps you make it.
Welcome to the MIP family. Lots of good replies here. The more you learn about the disease (and it is a disease) the more you'll understand why love has nothing to do with it. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There is nothing you can do about it. Please keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Shelly, we are never enough to make them quit. If they quit it is because they are tired of being ill and miserable. It has nothing to do with how WE feel.
Did he love you? Difficult to answer without knowing more about the relationship, but probably so. They love in a different way. A more selfish way than we do. It is all so convoluted.
You are probably far better off for having broken this relationship. Starting out in a marriage knowing you are with an alcoholic makes no sense to me at all. You can take a look in his eyes and see your future, and with an active alcoholic that future is not a bright and shiny one.
So, time to pick up the pieces, chalk all of this up to experience, and move on... a sadder but wiser girl.
I wish you all the best,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hey Shelly, i know what your going through. I just posted on here a short time ago because the woman i was in love with is an A. I still love her very much but she has gone missing from me and her family and i pray every day i will find out she is alright. I want nothing more than to know she is alright..but i have found that every call i make that is unanswered takes a part of me away. I also have the choice to make about letting her back in my life if i ever hear from her. I have decided that i have given so much to her and she has done this so many times now that it is ok to want to make sure the person you loved is doing ok,but until they make the choice to chose loved ones and people they care about over their addiction there is nothing you can do..i'm sure there are better people to talk to you about this but i am right in the middle of what you feel now..and i want you to know you are not alone. I feel your pain and hope that you knowing it's not just you felling this will bring some sort of smile to your face. Hang in there..thats all you can do.
