The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my AH decided to "discuss" with me some things. For the life of me I can't even remember what it was. It does not matter because it always ends up in an attempt to verbally abuse me. I get up and walk away and tell him I am not going there. I lay down to go to sleep and he follows me.
It's always my fault whether I feed into it or not. I am told how I have made him the way he is. He spends his life making excuses for his behavior and has noticed I don't listen as much to it anymore. He noticed that I am carrying on with my life in spite of him.
No longer will I sit up until all hours of the night talking when the ruse is just to wear me down and badger me to anger. No longer will I sit and babysit a grown man. No longer am I content to hope for the best and live through the worst.
I'm at this point getting my ducks in a row and hoping he sees the positive changes and follows. But if he doesn't it's okay. He has to do things himself. He says we seem like we are drifting apart. What he sees is my detachement. I am not going to remind him of bills, schedules, appointments, etc. He is a grown man. If he chooses to "forget", he will face the consequences.
He tells me I nag him about his drinking; the truth is that it's the big elephant in the room. It's the unspoken of shame which haunts the roost while I try and put my life together as best I can whilst living inside insanity. I avoid speaking of it entirely because it will not do any good.
My AH also has mental illness. Herein lies my dilemma: He blames all of his behavior on this social anxiety diagnosis. While I see that as partially valid, I see it mostly as a way to manipulate me into continuing to enable his bad behavior.
I love him. I try to be compassionate without being walked on. I want to support his recovery behavior, not his illnesses. He makes it damn near impossible.
In the meantime, I'm cleaning up my credit and saving money to for me to do leave when the time comes or help him when he decides to get some real help.
Either way, I am okay and I will be successful in spite of the insane situation I live in. It's it's gotta be, it's up to me.
What a great post and it's beaming of recovery! The social anxiety excuse may be a reserve crutch for when you won't take the blame. Like the alcoholism, it's up to him to get help for that too.
You are clearly "getting" Alanon really fast. That's so awesome! Congrats!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
souljoy, my AH is also BP (Bi-Polar) and ADHD. My experience sounds totally identical to yours. It is so good to know that someone else knows what this is like and that I am not alone. I have been in the program a year and a half- the exact amount of time I have been away from him. I left him. The "discussions" that are 7-hour monologues (which I was not allowed to walk away from so I would curl up on the floor and cover my ears with my arms). The verbal bullying and badgering, the sarcasm, the insults. Constant criticism. I wanted to kill him which is why I left, I thought I might if the opportunity arrived to do so. I got help. I am doing much much better now. Please take care and keep coming back.
(PS: I have found that the issue of getting the mentally ill to take their meds is similar as getting the alcoholic to stop drinking. We have no control over either of these but they seem to manifest in a similar way so I thought I would mention it- I apply it this way, anyway. Not that I am telling you to do this just that this worked for me- I didnt cause his BP, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it. I sure can contribute to it, though, by enabling him, arguing, begging him to get help, etc. See, he would not let me leave the room or get away from him, he would lock doors, take my keys and physically intimidate me and that is technically physical abuse even though its not punching me in the stomach or anything, fyi.)
I know the mental health issue very well. Years ago my therapist told me that people with bipolar were infamous for going off their meds. At the time, I had been diagnosed with bipolar. I took my medication as prescribed. I never really believed I was bipolar though because I never showed any symptoms of it until I was on medicine. I was sick at the time (back in the early 90's) but it was mostly due to my dysfunctional life, both growing up and my 20 year marriage was in shambles. I believe the environment has an enormous amount of impact on how you think. So I worked hard and took meds and did therapy and all the things I was supposed to do to get well. I read self help books and learned coping skills to deal with my emotions. I learned to deal with me. I took meds for 11 to 12 years. I have been off them now for 10 months and I feel good. I use the coping skills I learned to change my thinking when it gets out of whack. I read a lot of positive stuff to uplift myself.
So my experience has been it can be done. Getting well or stable is hard work. I know what I am talking about because I have been there. It is through a twelve step program I learned I was using my emotions just like an alcoholic uses booze. I did things to change my thinking and changed my life.
So to be with a man who is so intent on destroying himself is hard for me. Mainly because inasmuch as I am compassionate for those with illnesses and passionate about recovery, it irks my butt that he isn't. I have to let that part of me that gets angry about it go and just take care of me. It is the only way for me to survive.
I ask myself what is a way I can overcome this issue that ensures my health and is helpful? It does not matter what issue it is, as long as I am looking for a positive solution, and implement it, I keep that anxiety at bay.
It takes courage to change. It brings peace and clarity to life.
