The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm not sure where to begin this so I'll start at the beginning of the end. Hope it all makes sense.......
My father is an alcoholic. The drinking worsened when I left for college, and by the time I had graduated from school and begun planning my wedding he was at the point where he was comatose for days on end. At the rehearsal dinner for my wedding he became so drunk he had to be carried out of the restaurant. I'm lucky my in laws are such understanding people.
A few months after the wedding my Mom called to say that he was in terrible shape and would most likely die if he would not agree to seek help. I flew cross country to be with him. While I was home he had a suicide attempt and the police had to be called to our home. I took him to the hospital where he tried to convince the nurses I was lying about his drinking and told me he would never forgive me. I told him if he did not stop drinking and seek help I would not be a part of his life. He said he would rather drink than have a relationship with me and asked me to leave. I hope this does not sound overly dramatic, but I think I lost something that day I will never get back.
Throughout my life he was sometimes emotionally abusive to myself as well as my mother. His behaviour became even more erratic and demeaning, so she finally began the divorce process.
It's strange as I write this he sounds terrible but most of the time he was a very loving, attentive father, especially when I was younger. However, the father he was is no longer the father he is.
After the divorce shock he began treatment and has been sober for about 40 days if he is telling the truth. I want to believe him but it is hard because he has lied so many times directly to my face.
He has never apologized for what he has put myself and my mother through. I recieved one condescending message after he was placed in rehab saying "I'm sorry (and he didn't sounding sorry at all might I add) but I am not going to be on my hands and knees begging for forgivenes forever." Listening to that message made me so angry!
So now a few months have passed and almost everyone has cut him out of their lives due to his anti social behavior. I call him every so often but he has become a shell of himself....almost feeble sounding. It makes me feel so guilty and depressed, like I am hurting him by not "fixing" everything for him the way my mother has done his entire life.
We speak every week and half or so but I do not go out of my way to be in touch and when he does leave me a message he guilts me that I have not called him. His family (grandparents, aunts, uncles) basically act like I don't exist since this has happened. It is painful to feel so cut off from everyone.
I know this is rather long and I thank you for reading....some days I am numb, some I am angry, and some I am depressed. There are good days too....but late at night these thoughts always seem to pop back up.
I look forward to posting more here and learning from you all how to move forward from this.
Aslan , please find meetings for yourself u need support , from people who have been where your at and can walk u thru this by sharring thier own experiences with you . You will learn to detach from your fathers behavior and just love him , it is possible to have a relationship with him with out loosing yourself in the process . Al-Anon will show u how to do that . Your fathers angry because u no longer are keeping the secret he will get over it or not , not your problem . It's not your job to fix what he has done , it's his problem leave it with him where it belongs . goodluck Louise
(((Aslan))) that's a hug. Welcome to MIP, you are in the right place. Pretty much everyone here can relate to what you are going through.
You have been profoundly affected by a close family member's addiction and it is only sensible that you feel everything you are feeling. The good news is that al anon is here for you. You can work through all of these feeling simply by working the program. I encourage you to read everything you can find about alcoholism. Find some face to face al anon meetings. If you are not sure it is for you please attend at least 6 meetings before deciding. Gather all of the literature available at the meetings. It is not an instant fix, but there is no way around these deep seeded feelings, only through. You can find serenity and peace of mind here.
Welcome from the bottom of my heart. You have found a wonderful place here. I am sorry that this disease has affected your father and thus, the whole family. Yes, I would read up on Alanon literature, try to go to a face to face meeting if you can. It is such a learning process, but you will feel better because you will talk to people that are going through the same thing.
I know that you said your dad is normally a loving, attentive father. That is what this disease does, it takes someone we love who is a wonderful person and changes them. It is the disease, remember, he doesn't want to be this way.
I hope you read posts here and stay close. You will learn a lot. I found that in loving an alcoholic (my mother and my husband, now husband is sober) I felt like I was the one with the problem. I felt angry, depressed, and just plain crazy sometimes. This program is so great, it takes time but you will learn to be better.
I so understand where you are coming from. My alcoholic is my dad too. God, the guilt I have felt over him and his sickness. It is so hard sometimes but I have learned alot in recovery. I can't say I don't ever stay awake at night worrying about it, but it is usually not about him now. It is more about the rest of my family, how it has hurt everyone the way he has been, especially my sister. He favored me so much more and it was obvious. In some ways she got out lucky and she says so but she still resents me so much. It is very hard for the family members who have to live with an A. He disappeared years ago but still pops up in phone calls and emails here and there and can cause such havoc even then. I so understand your saying there are such good parts about your dad, or were. That is my dad too. Some of my best memories are with my dad but also some of the worst.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Stick close to us, the Program. We are here for you. This has been my lifesaver. I am so much more stable when I am close to the Program. Otherwise, I start to shake inside and get scared. There just isn't any reason for that now. We are not alone.
