I hoped that I would recover more quickly than I have heard possible but I keep seeing again and again, how or why it takes time. When I was in denial, protecting my AH of consequences & not expressing any anger ad nauseum; the resulting therapies for children, marital, family etc I figgured had me ahead of the game so I could whiz through this al anon program.  Hah, not true.

According to the AH we were dealing in therapy with the kids' issues or my issues, he has no issues - which drives me mad how far he is from reality.  Our issues were often a result of the AH in denial and sadly, myself in denial and trying to control our family so we could pretend everything was happy and hunky dory.  Funny old time word but thinking about how folks complained that the young people of my day thought all problems could be solved like it is done in a half hour tv sitcom.  Now we have so much instant gratification, like this internet so it is hard to wait and take the time somethings need.

I think I am doing well staying out or getting out of others things but some I don't even recognize as ones to get out of - I'm still that crazy.  While trying to take all the messes in my life at an inch at a time or first things first plus trying to take care of myself, one needs sleep.  I hate going to bed, I love sleeping but somenights I stay here on MIP or do mindless card games - to unwind my mind.  I am trying to be kind to myself but really beating myself up about the get to bed thing.  So I fell asleep last night at a reasonable time, only to be woken by my 12 yr old.  He was woke up by a kitchen timer continueing to ring.
The AH was snoring on the couch and the pizza was burning in the oven.

Aha, it's not about me hating to go to sleep, I had taken on the job of being sure all was locked up, lights out, etc so it was safe to sleep.  This is crazy!! This is a do what I can as mine, let it go and prayer to HP and check to see that the things I have trouble changing for the better are a result of doing for others. 

It made me at first think, I finally get to bed and what happens - it could have been a fire.  But at second glance it wasn't, it worked out, we do have smoke alarms and I can not be responsible or in charge of everything for everybody.  This is going to take a lot of time, a life long process but I can focus on what has changed and improved in the short time I have been with Al Anon and let go of ever being finished. 

Again, the initial fear of I can't sleep because pizzas could catch fire has changed to I can sleep now that I remember I can't do it all, I can do my part to ensure safety and then say my prayers and get the sleep I need to make everything better for me.  This is very hard and confusing at times........ it'll take some time to really truely accept it is ok to go to bed before everyone else does but I am the 1st one up so I have to get more sleep so I am not drowsy driving kids to school.

still pondering this all 

ddub