The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, I am new to this and just looking for some answers from people that have gone through the same thing. Me and my girlfriend have been together for over two years. In that time i have been by her side through two rehabs and a dozen hospital visits. She knows that if she keeps drinking she will die but for some reason she will not stop. Her life has taken over mine I can't even go through one day of work without wondering what she is doing while i'm working and it is cutting me down every day. The non answering of my calls the being gone for days at a time then the sorry's and the "i will never drink again" when she finally does sober up for a day or so.I would just like to hear from someone that has dealt with this and to get some advise on what to do next because begging, getting mad,threating to leave,leaving for days and finally moving away still has not stopped her.I love her very much and am afraid that she will end up dead and i could not take that without giving it my all to save her.Well thanks for listening and if anyone has any advice i would love to hear it.
Here it is chef...the cold, hard truth of the matter. You CANNOT save her. Only she can save herself when and if the time comes that she wants to.
Remember this: You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
No amount of anger, begging, cajoling, crying, and pleading on your part is going to change the course of her addiction. What you do is work on your own sanity, serenity, and happiness; AlAnon can help you do that. So....please consider attending meetings in your area, where you will find people who are understanding and helpful. COme back here often. We all support you, and we are glad you have found this wonderful site.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I know what Diva said is not what you were hoping to hear, but it's a fact. There are no magic fixes. If there were, none of us wouldbe here. Finding an Alanon meeting is a great suggestion. There are many things that we do/did that we find aren't in our best interest or theirs either. Things like "fixing" their problems with money, calling in to work for them, giving them spending money when they have drank theirs. All those things are enabling the disease. In Alanon you will learn to create boundaries to protect yourself while making the alcoholic responsible for their own actions. All the "saving" prolongs and prevents them from hitting their bottom.
You can protect yourself from all the things you mentioned that you've tried by "detaching with love". At your first Alanon meeting you will get a Welcome packet explaining what that entails. The definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Alanon can help.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
she has a disease. one that will either kill her or institutionalize her unless she gets her own self into recovery (you cannot get her to do this, she is the only one who can). Those of us who happen to love these people also have a disease. this is why we need al-anon because alcoholism is a family disease and some elses drinking has profoundly affected us.
HI Chef, I am sad you both are going through this. She has a disease, no different than a loved one having cancer. If we learn alanon skills, we have a better chance at having a real life of our own.
We can learn to love our A's just how they are but we don't give the alcoholism that controls them any energy.
This is detaching. Or more how I did detachment. Then I set boundaries.
For instance when my ex AH and I watched tv, we would hold hands and sit close. I was able to do this even if he drank or used other drugs.As long as his disease did not break my boundaries, we were fine. But if the disease started calling our home a toilet, or if he got up and let the dogs in with muddy feet on the white floor.....or any other dumb disease crap, I would leave the room. Go for a drive, go take a shower, go into my room and watch tv or whatever.
I sat up my home so I had my own room. Door that locked and door to the outside. Had a supply bag with extra keys etc to get away if I had to.
I separated the A from the man I loved. The A hated me. I would not engage in arguing, I would not get upset by it at all. I would simply say,"oh its you again." goodnight. or whatever.
Alanon is our only way back to sanity. Face to face can be wonderful. I got where I am from right here at MIP, and LOTS of reading and experience.
Your A cannot help how she is. She has a horrible disease. I am sure she knows about AA. But she is the only one that can get her there. Sometimes they get so tired of the illness and all the hell it brings and will do anything to quit. So hopefully they choose to walk into AA. If they go to detox, then rehab get out and do 90meetings in 90days with AA they have a good chance they will go into their recovery program.
Sadly relapse is part of being an A. So even if they have years of sobriety on their program they can relapse. Or get out of rehab and use that day.
This is what makes it so important for US to learn to take care of ourselves and allow them the dignity to make their own choices. The best thing we can do is let go and pray they get sick enough to stop.
It sounds cruel, but I KNOW from experince, helping them is helping the disease. We take them in, baby them, get them feeling better,then they use again.
Glad you are here. We understand all too well how you feel. It hurts big time.
Hello Chef , why ???? because your letting it happen . Please find f2f meetings for yourself and learn all u can about this disease , forget what u think u know about alcoholism . You will understand yourself better and why your allowing her life to take yours away Like Diva said you cannot save her anything you try is doomed to fail because it's simply not your problem it's hers leave it with her where it belongs . Support her efforts at sobriety but get your life back on track .
I left my husband and best friend of 7 years because he was drunk one night and told me I had to choose between him and my 11 year old daughter. He drank/did heroin off and on (binging) for pretty much the whole 7 years. You take all you can take and then one day you just can't take anymore! You can't make anyone else do anything they don't want to do for themselves and even if they say they are doing it for you it never lasts. Their pain has to be so great that they will do anything to stop it and that is the natural consequence of Alcoholism - pain and suffering. Not just for her but everyone who cares about her, the trick is to be strong and not get sucked in to fixing the problem for her or treating her differently than you would treat any other person.
