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I'm not sure how to start this one, I've got a ton of thoughts running through my head, so if I start jumping around and not making sense...I'm sorry. :)
My AH hasn't been home in nearly 2 weeks, his drinking has spiraled out of control. It is now to the point that he will walk to the bar, walk back to his place of employment, sleep in his truck until it is time to get back up and go to work. He will only call me when he wants something or needs something. We aren't seperated, this is just him going on one of his binges. He is constantly making false promises to the kids, me and himself. And even though I don't get my hopes up, he does the kids' hopes up and then I am left to pick up the pieces that he broke with them.
Friday afternoon our 5 year old wanted to go see him after her school party and show him everything she made at school, we stopped and got him something to drink at Sonic. Our 5 year old got excited and accidentially knocked his drink over, spilling it, and that is when he proceeded to flip out on her and start screaming. I quickly got her to the truck and we left, he then called and wanted to talk to her, but she didn't want to talk to him, and I wasn't going to force her speak with him either. A few hours later she decided she wanted to talk with him, so we called him back where he apologized. I'm still finding myself getting very mad over that whole situation.
Last night he called me from one of his friends house, where he proceeded to cuss me out and scream at me, call me names, and suddenly everything is my fault. When I hung up on him, and turned the phone off, I found myself sitting in the livingroom, crying uncontrollably and wanting to cut up every shirt that belonged to him in the closet (and no I didn't do that, it was just my thought for the moment).
This morning he calls to apologize, but it was another mind numbing experience for me. I would just rather him not apologize because I know that he will right back at it again tonight, and another phone call, me turning off the phone, and then the morning apology from him. It is has became a ritual for him, and it is absolutely tiring hearing the same thing over and over again.
I'm just very confused about where I am supposed to be and what I am doing. I am trying very hard to work my steps, but I find that I question myself and my ability to work the steps. I have allowed myself to live in his world for the past 8 years and now that I am taking the steps to make myself better, I feel guilty and unsure...completely confused.
Well, thanks for listening, I truly appreciate it.
((((cjc))) so glad you found MIP! The message board is fantastic. a true godsend. there is also a chat room, see top left of this page, where you can talk with others going through much the same kind of feelings as you are now expereincing. you will get support here and in chat to find ways to let go and let god....let hp/god take those things that are not yours to take on. like the alcoholic making you feel sad or in the wrong because of his words or actions. there is much to read of others es&h (experience, strength and hope.) i happily admit it has been very helpful for me and my recovery. i come here to the message board and the chat room whenever ., well anytime i can. here i can read for hours.. i feel as though these people are my family. i know with support and with others friendship and understanding, i can make it. i can change me. i can live a better way in my life, a more healthy life. being with other alanoners, the feelings i have inside me are much better as i feel that i am not alone with having to deal and to face this horrible disease.
please dont be to hard on yourself. my personal experence and i have been reassured by others over and over is that the alcoholic/ the disease has the tendency to make everything be my fault., i am in the wrong. to the alcoholic (the mate, the spouse , the childs) is the one at fault. the one doing wrong. the one to blame. we (anyone other than the A) is the scapegoat when it comes to blame. the alcoholic alllows him/her self to believe that they never do anything wrong and will never take responsibility for their actions unless it to benefit them or help them to feel better about themselves so they can continue to drink or use. it is a one sided affair. and the alcohol is the one that usually wins. i know now i am second to the drinking. i feel sad of that. but i do not sit with those feelings and allow them to take me down. i now have a stronger belief in myself and in my higher power (god/hp) i find other things to occupy my time and my mind. healthy things, enjoyable things. i have learned to set boundaries and i have found ways to let go fo things that (the 3 c's: i did not cause, i can not cure and i can not control) i can turn away from choas and still remain with my husband.
so glad you are posting and sharing. it would be wonderful to see that you have found a face to face meeting in your area and have time to sit in on it. if you need any help to locate one *this website can help or you can private message or post your need for some help. any of us would be happy to assist you. there are meetings here on this website was well. face to face meetings are immeasureable. they help me to really face the emotions that seem to try to take over and a real hug from members makes so much of an impact in giving me more strength to work my program. i think, no i believe you will be very happy you did, if you can. making a meeting you will receive much es&h (like here) and can also feel the comfort, ... in knowing you are not alone with how you feel it can make so much more of an impact on your recovery and with your program while you walk thru the steps. lol., the people at the face to face meetings are just like all of us here. we share and we listen to others and we give each other hope that our lives can change..even if its just within ourselves.. in our way of thinking.... for better.
Welcome ((cjc))) keep coming back and keep lookin uP:))
Here's my thought.... Since you know the routine of the yelling and cursing, then the apology. How about a boundary to protect yourself from that? When he begins the belittling and and accusing you might say "I'm just not going to listen to you talk to me this way" and hang up. Then you could shut the phone off. He'll figure out that he can't do that to you if you stay persistant in your boundary.
He won't have the pleasure and you won't be upset from listening to his abuse.
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I remember one binge my ex went on and I took every single pair of pants he had and wrote in permenant marker all the things I hated about him, how much he was hurting me and the kids, how I couldn't trust him, everything I was dying to say to him. Then I got sissors and shredded all 10 pairs of pants. He was shocked to say the least when he came home 4 days later. This was before alanon. But even now, I look back and think "good for me!!!" Destroyed pants were nothing compared to what he has done to me and the kids. Disease or not.
Change is hard on them and on us. Good for you. Just stay focused on you and what you need to feel safe. Remember that it is ok to take care of yourself. In fact it is the right thing to do. It is ok to still love him. I know that when I was with my ex it was all about him 24/7. My kids took a back seat to him and his drama and his disease. That is the only thing I regret. That has changed. My kids are first in my life and that feels so much better. I take care of me and then I am able to take care of them. Just stay the course, you are doing it.
Thank you serendipity! I didn't tear them up or cut them up like I wanted to, but I can tell you that it was a major thought in my mind. I was just that mad at him over the phone call, what he had done to our daughter, and then everything else. I called my sponsor and she talked to me for over 2 hours, I just couldn't believe I lost it that quickly over a phone call. I figured that some of it had built up from the episode with our daughter, and instead of releasing my emotions then, I held them in. I have a tendency to do that, and that is something that I am working on.
It is just really hard to make these changes when I have worried about him for such a long time. And now that I'm trying to focus my attention on myself and my family (daughters), it has been a chore. I still find myself obsessing over him, and that is when I have to take a time out and re-evaluate what I am doing and where I want to be. That is absolutely the hardest thing that I have ever done!
Sorry, but "screaming, cursing, and calling me names" is way beyond what my boundaries will tolerate. And doing that to my child? Even worse. They sometimes dish out what they know we will take.
I remember a line from the movie, "Network" which is old as the hills: "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!" Seems apropos.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thanks Kim, I am trying very hard and it is something that I want to do for myself and children. I just seems like it is harder since I lived with it for 8 years and now that I am finally saying "enough", it is getting 12 times worse. I have been going to my F2F meetings, and that has been something that has helped me get through the week. I don't know what I would do without those meetings to be quit honest. I missed one meeting and it seemed like my world was crumbling down around me, it is honestly my strength and motivation to keep going.
Diva believe me when I say that I don't tolerate the cussing, yelling, and name calling. I hung up the phone, turned it off, and went to bed. The whole situation with our daughter didn't last long either, when I saw him begin to flip out, I grabbed her and off we went to the truck where we left that situation as well. He is starting to figure out that I'm not going to put up with his crap anymore and that is irritating to him because I've put up with it for such a long time.
I took seven years, I know what you mean. It's hard to get the ladder and climb up out of the rut! For me it took not talking to him anymore. That's doing the trick for me! It was hard at first but time really does heal all wounds!
I took seven years, I know what you mean. It's hard to get the ladder and climb up out of the rut! For me it took not talking to him anymore. That's doing the trick for me! It was hard at first but time really does heal all wounds!
It is very hard! And it is taking me nearly that amount of time as well, and I know that I have a very long road ahead of me. I just never imagined finding a place like al-anon and this message board, it has absolutely been a God send to me. I truly appreicate all of you!
The message board is fantastic. a true godsend. there is also a chat room, see top left of this page, where you can talk with others going through much the same kind of feelings as you are now expereincing. you will get support here and in chat to find ways to let go and let god....let hp/god take those things that are not yours to take on. like the alcoholic making you feel sad or in the wrong because of his words or actions. 
