The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone. This is my first time here. I have read some of your posts and really appreciate all the honesty. I wanted to see if I could tell you something. I don't really know what to do about it. Life really can be so confusing. You see, my dad is an alcoholic. He left us years ago. Since then I have gotten sober and I have a good life. Periodically, he pops back into my life and is still so sick and confusing. He is a typical alcoholic with a host of other problems. I never see him, he just calls me. He lives far away because of some story he cooked up. I don't know what is true with him or not. I try very hard to stay detached but with him it is hard. He takes so much time and energy, even long distance. The last time he called we were doing good. I actually wrote him and then it started. I just wanted to tell him I was getting married. That was after not talking for about 20 years. I wrote him about two years ago and we talked and wrote all the time for about a year. BUt he crossed the line when he got sexually inappropriate on the phone with me. I told him that I was ashamed of his behavior and I told him how he made me feel as a child and just laid it all on the table for him. I told him I would always love him but he could not treat me that way. I told him I knew he would disappear again but I had to say it. True to form he disappeared until the other day, which is a year later. He acted like he called me by mistake, (in another country he calls by mistake, right!) lies again. He said he wanted to say how sorry he is for problems he caused between me and my husband. What the..!? I told him he caused no problems between my husband and me. Anyway, he said he loves me and would like to get together for a cup of coffee and talk when he can regroup. I said I love him too, that I always have and we could get together for a cup of coffee later. There is no coffee. He just talks like that. My familiy will have nothing to do with him, they barely speak his name. I told my brother he called. He said for me not to talk to him. It is hard, My dad told me he just needs a friend. I was thinking that may be alot of the problem. He always thought of me as a friend. I am not his friend! I am his daughter. I just don't know what to do. I love him so much. He is so much a part of me. Like most alcholics there is a part of him that is so special, so incredible it draws you like a magnet but there is another side that is so black and sadistic it makes you want to run for the hills while at the same time you can barely look away from the audacity of it. I am drawn to him like no one I have ever known. I am scared. I don't want to get hurt again. I am afraid he is sick, physically. That he might be dying. I don't know.
And welcome to Miracles in Progress. So glad you found us and that you posted!
Your nickname caught my attention because I saw a movie yesterday called Bella, (it was absolutely amazing)
I really feel for you and your relationship with your dad. It sounds to me like you are handling it very well. You have some boundaries in place to protect yourself when you communicate with him and that you communicate those boundaries to him even if you know it will not be accepted well by him, because your boundaries are very important to you!
I also think it is awesome that you recognize the important part he plays in who you are (both the good parts and the bad) and that you can, in spite of the things about him that are negative, appreciate his good qualities.
I have to do what I know is right to protect myself, sometimes that isn't always easy to figure out what that is either! I have to do a lot of talking to my HP about that sometimes!
Not sure where I am going with all this, just wanted to welcome you here and to invite you to keep coming back!
I think it helps, when we can look at the alcoholics in our lives straight on - they are not monsters, but they are not the "good time Charlies" that the outer world sees them as, either. They are sick, they are deeply flawed, but they are still human, worthy of love. We just need to protect ourselves from their sickness, while allowing ourselves to love them.
You do whatever you need to, to take care of yourself. Love does not mean leaving yourself open to the pain that a person with this disease can inflict.
