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Do any of you ever find yourself surprised about behavior from you or your a that you know exists but keep hoping disappears? I wonder if is that is denial...
Last night the kids and I were with some friends at their home. We were having pizza (and wine) and then all the kids were going to a haunted house. My ah called at 8:00 to check in and see what we were doing. I automatically invited him to pizza expecting him to decline (and he did) stating he was going to go to bed. At 9:30 on our way home we drove by his apt and his truck was not on the street where it normally is parked.
I go to bed with a sinking feeling, not knowing where he is, and knowing he lied to me. So, this morning my youngest wakes early. Sleepover going on downstairs, so I take him to the coffee shop while waiting for daylight. Drive by my ah's apt (no, it is not on the way) and see his truck is there in his normal parking spot.
Tonight, hoping I can be subtle and he can relieve my fears I ask ah tonight what he did last night. He says he was in bed by 8:30. I mention that we drove by and he wasn't home and he said he had his truck parked under the eves in a slip. Now, knowing it is NOT TRUE I play along and ask if he has one now and he says it is first come first serve. mmm hmm... So, it bugs me that I respond like this when I know darn well he is lying. Why do I do that?
Fact of the matter is I do not know if he is at home or telling the truth 99.9% of the time. So, why is it that I let an event like this get to me? He is just starting the diversion program and is not sober yet. Heck, I don't know if he ever will be. He certainly hasn't worked any program to change his behavior, so why do I think he'd tell me the truth now?
Of course, compounding the lie is not knowing what he was doing and with who. The only person I care about is his g/f. For some reason, in my head, I keep setting myself up that it must be over. Truth is nothing has happened yet that could make that a reality, so why am I disappointed?
I truly want to detach so I can move on. I want to tell my ah that I know he was lying. I want to tell him that so the next time whe accuses me of not believing him I can have some basis for it. Is there a tactful way to say, "I know you were lying about last night. Please tell me the truth". Or, is it pointless and do I just let him think I believed him?
I know I am going to say something even though I shouldn't and will regret it if I do, but don't think I can help myself. I am posting here hoping you words of wisdom and support will give me the strength to SHUT UP.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
For me anymore I say it. In comparison to what he's said to me, I don't want to burden myself by not saying somethng like what you're dealing with. I can get it out and done with. If it troubles him (rarely) well join the club. I'm ready to move on. I suspect this is bad advice and I'm not giving advice. This works for me. Jill
he is an alcoholic. Alcoholics lie. this is no suprise that he has lied. He will again and again- even when he is sober/in recovery, he probably will. I would remove the focus from him and put it back on YOURSELF. Let him go and FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Do something to take care of yourself. let him/it go to his HP and let him take his path. He is not bothered by the fact that he lies. He has a disease.
When i was really detatched, I said nothing. When I was still hooked into him, I called him on every single lie out of his mouth. I thought being right and being happy were the same thing. I finally settled on hearing his lies and thinking in my head "he really thinks I am an idiot...." But that was after obvious brain damage on his part which I used to excuse his stupidity and feel pity enough for him that i could stand to live with him. Wow, what an unholy marriage that turned into. Might be that it is way more than this one lie, that all the crap in the backseat flys forward smacking you in the back of your head when you hit the brakes for this one lie. It is bigger than when he was home, it is who he was with and why does he feel the need to lie about it. If I had been given the truth, I would have been able to make better decisions. But with all the lies, I couldn't even think straight. I couldn't take care of myself because of the lies and lies of omission. Made me insane. You know what the truth is, does it matter if he admitts to it? Is it still part of the game to make sure he knows that you know? That he's not pulling one over on you? I don't know myself, do you? Motivation. What's my motivation and will it hurt me? I don't want to hurt me anymore.
You're doing great Lou, you are really hanging in there!
For me, the place to stop all of this is not in the "calling him on his lies" part, but in the checking up on him. I used to do "drive-bys" all the time - driving around town, trying to spot his car. As if knowing which bar he was at was something I had to know. It was a compulsion, and it was unhealthy. In fact, it was a little crazy.
Finally it got so ridiculous that even I had to notice that there was something strange going on - I would leave food cooking, leave the kids alone, go out over and over again..... A couple of times he caught me, driving home from work (sometimes he really *was* working late) which was embarrassing. I found the best way to fight it was to do something healthy instead - usually that meant taking the kids to the playground - that kept me from doing it. Sorta like taking up knitting to keep from snacking.
Thing is, you don't need to know where he is, or what he is doing. You need to know what YOU are doing - is it something good for you? If not, why not?
Well, we are all human aren't we? I am surprised how many of us track our ex's or almost ex's. I think that they have trained us to do so. Part of the games that alcoholics play! I do that to my AHsober that moved out. I give him far more credit than credit is due. He doesn't spend that much time checking up on me. I think that its all he can do to keep coming up with new lies and covering his @#$%.
Early in my program my sponsor suggested I quit asking questions that asked for a lie. My a would lie about things I could not understand why in the world he would lie about, but I knew that if I asked where he was, what he was doing or if he was using, I would never get the truth. As with many things I worked on in alanon this took some doing but the results were great. As far as driving by his place...I use to tell my self ...it's against the law for you to be on that street...LOL! No good came of it. Even if I drove by and he was home, it usually started the obssessing.
Yes, yes, yes! I see myself setting myself up for disappointment with my drive-bys and by asking questions that I know will only get a lie response. I think part of me is waiting for /depsperately hoping for the time when I will get the "truth" as I want it to be, and then I can start to heal. Silly, I know... Now, I have a compulsion just to let him know I know he wasn't honest even though nothing good can possibly come of it. Perhaps that is how they feel the majority of the time?
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Lou- It's only natural to want things to be better, to have the A be honest and treat you with respect & honesty. The bad part is, they don't KNOW the truth they don't know how to tell the truth. I think we learn unhealthy behaviours from our A's. We listen to lies and all their BS and the truth becomes so jaded you don't know up from down. That's how we become such a mess! Then we start doing things that are just as crazy as the A. I too have done the drive-bys, the enabling, etc. Crazy crazy crazy!! I would pull out my favorite alanon pamphlet about "DETACHMENT" and tell myself that I'm better than this! I would repeated several hundred times in my head and take one look at my 3 year old son. That always put me back on track, reminding me that my priorities are the little one not the A. Keep strong Lou! We are all expected to make missteps the best we can do so is learn every single day. hugs Tracey
Lou, As you said, you'll never get the truth. He already followed a lie with a lie. It's hopeless. He will protect his disease in any manner her can. The only way to avoid being lied to is to not bother asking the questions. The driving by thing is hard not to do, but even if you continue, you still won't know where he is, you won't get an honest answer, you'll be upset, so what purpose does it serve? You won't get the result you want, he's shown he's not capable of that right now. I hope you take care of you and your feelings by not going there.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
WE all do this! The checking, the fact finding, the having to have difinitive proof! I HATED that! Now I don't even speak to him and only occasionally reply to an email. To be honest, I could really care less now whether he's doing what he's supposed to be doing or not, I know I am and that's all that matters. I'm taking care of the kids, working, looking for other income sources, and filling up ALL my time. I don't have time for him anymore. Not even to wonder what he's doing. I just expect the worst all the time and usually I don't even wonder what he's up to I just keep waiting to hear that he's back in jail. If he gets a job and I get support then that's just a happy surprise. I had to totally let go of him to get to this point and it took about 6 or 7 months for me. Everyone does this at their own pace and some never do it. It's just a matter of getting busy with your own stuff and taking care of the kids and leaving him to his stuff. You know when you stop caring what they are up to it drives them NUTS, way more than the checking and nagging ever did!
There have been times when I was sure my A was lying to me - POSITIVE - and it turned out the item I thought was gone was around the corner from where I thought it was, or in the shadows, or turned a different way and I didn't recognize it. Or, sometimes, embarrassingly, I had moved it myself and forgotten.
Sometimes he really was lying - but sometimes he wasn't. I decided prejudging was a behaviour I wasn't proud of, and today I try to be aware of my own behaviour, and catch myself - and stop myself - if I do it. It comes back to - what can *I* do? what is *my* part? I haven't gotten to the point where I can leave it be totally, but today I'm better at saying to myself, instead of "well THAT'S a lie!", "well that sounds like a lie to me, but I won't make a judgement until and UNLESS I get more information."
If I confront him on a lie, and he's lying, he gets mad and defensive. If I confront him on a lie, and he's NOT lying, he gets mad and hurt and wonders why he bothers making any changes at all. Bottom line - confronting him for the sake of confronting him is a no-win situation. If I figure out that my motivation is for him to hear my own anxiety, then I can - if I must - phrase it in a different way, like "I felt really anxious when I didn't see your truck where I expected it."
And then say the same thing to my sponsor, or in a meeting, because she WILL hear me.
