The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just can't seem to find me, I got lost again in this horrible disease. I feel like it is all out of control. I can't seem to get a grip, everytime I seem to take one step forward, it seems like 10 back.
I miss Chuck, am pissed at him for the damage he left this family in. I am still cleaning up the garbage, heart aches, depressed, trying to stay afloat. I am afraid, I am going to sink and not swim....seems like one second at a time is too much these days.
I know exactly how you feel. I always turn to my HP when everything seems hopeless and bleek. I have a friend at work that has always told me to turn it over to God and let him handle it. I never knew how to do that because I was always trying to handle things myself and taking care of everything that needed to be taken care of. I had never just "Let go and let God". I finally had to when hubby went to rehab and I was alone. There was nowhere left to turn for me. I trully had to humble myself and let others help me, which I have never done. So when things seem bleek and you have exhausted all your efforts, turn it over to him and let him take over awhile. It is hard to do, but it works.
I have been where you are on and off for a couple months. Sometimes I can lighten up by being goofey. I will walk around my house singing at the top of my lungs about what a moron he is and how much I hate him and the way the dogs smell and how I can't pay my bills. I usually get to laughing thinking about what my poor old neighbor thinks of my arias as I can't sing to save my life.
Sometimes, I can't or don't want to lighten up. It's all too much and I really don't think I can go on another step. I can't get off the couch or even answer the phone. I get so down on myself and my life thus far that I become paralized. I have to remind myself, out loud, that I AM doing it. Even in these states of complete despair, I am still doing it. I am breathing, I am moving, this is it and I am doing it. I am going thru it, dealing with it and it sucks but I am doing it even though I don't want to. Even though it is not what I wanted, needed or expected.
So, wether you decide to compose an opera about your heartbreak or just sit with it for a bit, YOU ARE doing it. You are here and you are going to be ok again.
My deepest prayers and heart goes out to you today. May you find strength in your HP and turn everything over to him. I know you will be okay. It sounds like you are grieving the relationship, and angry also. When I was in a cycle of anger, I went to a meeting and someone told me exercise helped release that. I was even mad at that person for tell me that!! But, keeping busy really does help. Make plans for you, go out into the world, even force yourself. You will slowly feel better.
I am sorry for your pain. It is true, though, it does make you stronger, though you may not want to hear it now. You will be okay again...
Hello Andrea , am sorry your stuggling , have u considered looking for group for Grieving , they operate much like al anon meetings where u get to talk thru the anger and grieve. Grief is a funny thing you go thru it til your done , period. Am thinking of you just be good to you . Love Louise
Andrea: I try to prepare myself for the worst but truth is I don't know what I would do in your shoes. You have definitely been to hell and back. I think you have every right to be angry. You were so betrayed by him.
I feel taken down by this disease on so many levels. I can see where the clues were for real these days. Of course I was always into "trying" and "trying" and "trying". Al anon and people like you have helped me so much. I remember reading you when you went out and got a job after being home for so long. I remember reading how you let him go out there. I also remember how well you detached. Some things do take us down. I know the A took me down on so many levels. I let him go then took him back. let him go again. This time I have the pets and it seems easier. He has destroyed so much. I no longer worry about him in ways I used to. At the same time I am still angry at him.
I think your A did the ultimate betrayal of allowing it to destroy him. I am really sad for your children. At the same time they are blessed with you and your sobriety and your dignity and love and sense of peace. That is a great blessing.
I hope you will come here and continue to share. I get so much out of your shares. I am so very sad for you.
I no longer wait around for the other shoe to drop. I no longer think will I get away from the A I know I have done it.
I understand where you are coming from. I have felt that way for the last month. Just completely on the edge of madness. But there is hope. I found this website and I made a decision that I deserve to feel safe and sane. I started to read some of my Alanon Literature, things I had forgotten started to slip in between the fear and panic. Like I am a child of God. You are too Andrea. God wants us to be happy. We deserve that. Because when we are aware that we are miracles and God's children then we know we are not alone. We know that God has our back. It takes work to get there though. I am having trouble with my alcoholic dad and I know how hard it is to love someone that is so sick. But I shared about it on here and I am going to take steps to not let this take me down again. I want to be free, to be aware and sober. I think we can love an alcoholic so much that we get drunk on the sickness of it. I am not going to do that this time. I wish you all the best. Just remember, it takes work to get there. Start with a prayer, that is what I did and things are starting to happen for me. Read some of these posts. They are awesome. Yours is awesome. You are awesome.
