The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As you all know where I am living is not the greatest. I live in a really super small space with too many animals. Most of my stuff is in storage. I have put out a lot of energy on looking for another space. I just put it out and really most of the time people say they don't want pets. An opportunity has come up for a place that is not too far from where I am. There are just one or two people living there rather than an army of dysfucntionals that I have now. What's more they are in recovery so they are at least trying to be functional. The issue is for me is t hat I don't trust msyelf to make a good decision. I have had my share of landlord disasters. I also am comfortable on some level living with dysfunctionals. I know how to do that. I know how to cope with people who are clueless about others. I don't know how to cope with people who are in recovery, want a home and who are not lost in their dysfunction.
I am going to look at the place next week. Beside the fact I can't really bear the idea of packing up again (after all I've moved twice in 6 months) I just don't feel I can make the 'right' decision. On some level I am still holding out for my favorite fantasy of some prince charming to come rescue me (of course since I never go out anywhere that's unlikeoy) and I know where the last Prince Charming took me. On another level I'm flumoxed that a place that might actually be a home has come up out of nowhere. The other issue for me of course is finances. I can't afford to move. I feel like my finances are so bad I can't even afford to go to a movie!
I am going to keep working on checking it out but so much comes up for me that it is like scaling a mountain. What most comes up is fear. And I'm getting ot the point where I can see how I settled for the "A" because he was familiar and comfortable and I was afraid to be known. I think I am also afraid to be held accountable. Where I live now the people are so dysfunctional (as am I) that no one holds anyone accountable. There are no "chores", there is nothing remotely functional about how we interact with each other. In time, when a certain person moves (if he does move which I don't count on) that may improve. I don't believe I have ever had a relationship where I was accountable and adult except perhaps at work (where I have also had problems). I've always blamed the A for not having a more functional life but maybe what's held me back more is my own fear of being out there and being known and being vulnerable and actually "having" rather than not having.
I hope this makes some sense.
I am just going to take it one day at a time and see what comes up.
You are such a strong person, do you realize that? I am constantly amazed at your story, and your situation, but you always vent (which is great) about it, and keep your chin up!! Congrats to you for forging ahead, and taking it one day at a time. That is sometimes all that we can do. And you are such a good mom to your animals...
I find that sometimes when I cannot trust my decisions, I pray. I ask HP to guide me in the right direction... it is really tough then too sometimes when you wonder, is this the right direction?!!! I believe it all boils down to faith, which it sounds like you have a lot of. HP will take care of your needs. You know, I love people in recovery (I am a recovering alcoholic). Maybe it is because I can truly relate to them, but most I have met, are so brave and just trying to make their lives better. Most have been to the bottom, and are trying to learn to make their lives and their path bearable by working a program. I think they are some of the best people I have met. So maybe your opportunity with a few recovering people may be a good one?
I wish you all the luck in the world and remember that you are not alone!!!
I think some of where I am coming from is that I just don't know whether to be pushing on with moving at this time. There are times like last night where one of my housemates jacked up the thermostt when it was already warm outside where I think I can't do it anymore. There are other days when I think that I cna't move again. My cats don't move well. I actually don't have anyone to help me and no money. I just wanted really to see if there is anything out there remotely functional. Who knows. I am going to keep looking on the back burner. I think sometiems the only way I can bear it is to keep looking. I wish I had been out there looking when I was with the A but he had me so tied up in knots I had no energy to do anything but focus on his latest catastrophe.
