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Hi all, I am new to your forum and am so grateful to have found you.
My A is in the midst of a major relapse, and I had planned to visit my family halfway across the country next week. My main concern in leaving is that I'm afraid he will neglect our pets. I could try to arrange care for them, but I feel like that's enabling him. Both animals are pretty old and get stressed when there's a change in care (ie if I put them in a kennel or have someone visit the house). For those of you with children, my heart goes out to you. I guess I'm thankful that it's just us and the animals right now.
Complicating the issue is that, for the first time, I have decided to tell him that he is not welcome in our house unless he is attending meetings daily(?) or back in treatment (he missed his first outpatient meeting today). At the same time, I want him to stay here and take care of things while I'm away. Yes, I want it both ways...
I am considering postponing the trip to a better time (when a sober friend is visiting us later this month), or shortening it to a long weekend. Or I could just go as planned and set up an agreement with him when he resurfaces tomorrow and is sober. Of course, I cannot expect that he will stick to it.
I guess I need to decide what's most important to me right now. While I want to see my family (I last visited them in spring when he was in rehab) I feel a strong obligation to the animals. Thanks for any ESH or just plain advice... Caro
You can't rely on an active A. I know how you feel as I have not only pets, but livestock as well.
Also, I do not feel it would be right to use them to try to force him to take responsibility. That is not your job anyway. You can not manipulate him into recovery.
He is not getting away with anything. Another of todays topics has comentary on that subject and I agree with them that the A is miserable. They hate themselves no matter what they tell others and I would not trade the chaos of their addiction for anything.
So you have a few options you have mentioned. We can not tell you what to do, but maybe some of the others will have similar experience that they can share.
Glad you found us. There are some truely wonderful people here.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Welcome to MIP, we know how you feel. You may already know in your heart of hearts whether he is capable of taking care of the animals or not. You need to do whatever you have to do to ensure they are safe (I have pets and a child and will only leave them with AH at certain times for certain amounts of time).
As for telling him that he is not welcome home if he is not attending meetings. It is not your job to babysit him to ensure that he is going to meetings. It will drive all the wrong emotions in both of you. He is a grown man and will get better when he is ready. Also, most of us have found that ultimatums that cannot be enforced are useless. Where is he going to go? Do you make enough money to support yourself? Will you legally separate? We call it having a Plan B...simply put, working out all of the logistics of enforcing an ultimatum ahead of time. I know it is not an easy thing to actually contemplate. I routinely want to say things like, "If your behavior doesn't change, I will reach my breaking point!" But I know he won't truly believe it because I don't can't figure all of those things out.
Welcome to the MIP family. I'm sorry about the relapse, I've been there many times with my AH. As for your trip, I no longer put my life on hold for the A. I would kennel the animals. I would rather have them stressed out a bit rather than take the chance that they would be neglected. Part of my recovery is making sure that when and if relapses occur that I can go on with my life. I wouldn't have been able to do that if it hadn't been for this program. I sure hope you are getting to some local meetings. They can give you the tools necessary to make whatever decisions you need to make. Please keep coming back to us.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I'd go for the kennel personally and leave him to himself. I don't see that as enabling I see that as taking care of your animals. I have 3 kids and have left them with the A. That was before I moved out, actually that was the thing that led to me moving out now that I think about it. Anyway, it's your life and up to you what you do but I would go and put the pets with a friend or in a kennel.
